March 28, 2008
Pushing back the frontiers of
Seinfeld's George Costanza famously
quipped: 'It's not a lie if you believe it.' This is how a Clinton---take
your pick, Hillary, Bill or Chelsea---makes it through the day. Better
living through self-delusion
"Foxhole Hillary!" Landed in Bosnia
and had to run to car to avoid sniper fire. At least Bill Clinton saw some
action while she was gone!
Once before she said Chelsea was jogging
around the twin towers the morning of 9/11. Chelsea says she wasn't! I
could go on and on and on.
Marauding Mary's Melodious
I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were,
what could I do about it?"
You can tell when a person is well
informed: their views are pretty much like your own.
It's not whether you win or lose, but
how you place the blame
There should be a better way to start a
day than waking up every morning
Remember, half the people you know are
Salacious Sarah's Socratic Sayings ................
April is National Smile Month
This is Laugh at Work Week
April 1 is One Cent Day
April 2 is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day [A true national
April 3 is Tweed Day
April 3 is Armenian Appreciation Day [Where can I find an Armenian?]
April 3 is Don't Go To Work Unless It's Fun Day
April 4 is Tell-A-Lie Day
April 4 is Tater Tot Day in Benton KY [Now those people know how to
April 5 is Go For Broke Day [Practicing for the 15th?]
Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines ........................
WELL SURE: "John Denver Karaoke Sparks Thai Killing Spree" -- London
Breaking News From 1755: "Ben Franklin Aids Two Bethlehem Firms" ---Morning
Call (Allentown, PA)
Breaking News From Genesis 6:17-18: "Forecasters Warn of Flooding in Ark."
Won't School Security Want to Search the Case?: "Students Make a Case for
Carrying Guns to School" ---National Public Radio Web site
You Can Say That Again!: "Ex-Homecoming Queen Accused of Beating Sister With
Leg in Trailer Sent to Rehab" ---WTAE-TV Web site (Pittsburgh)
News You Can Use: "Women, Want a Healthy Marriage? Marry Man Uglier Than
You, Study Says" ---FoxNews.com
Saucy Suzy's Singular Sayings ........................
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
Perky Pauline's Puns ..................
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of
elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and
swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man
returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,
"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
And a bonus for you groaner fans .........
The fairy Tinker Bell hoped to be Peter Pan's companion, but he rejected her
for the more mundane Wendy. Devastated by this downturn of events, Tinker
Bell decided to get as far away from Never-Never Land as she could. Her
flight from fantasy land ended in Fresno, California, where she became a
waitress at a roadside truck stop.
One day an especially rowdy group of truckers came into the restaurant. They
got roaring drunk, spoke loudly and rudely, slopped chunks of food all over
the table and floor, and left Tinker Bell a measly quarter gratuity per
trucker. The enraged sprite literally flew into a tantrum, pointed to one of
the paltry coins, and screamed, "It's the wrong way to tip a fairy.
Bumper Stickers seen on the Woodbine Beltway ..........
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
That's it for this week from your embedded reporter, still waiting for the
boy governor, O'Malley, to release his plan to lower our utility bills that
he promised three years ago to help his fellow citizens in The Peoples
Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.
But, on the other hand ............
Forbidden fruits create many jams.