March 28, 2008

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance .........

 
Seinfeld's George Costanza famously quipped: 'It's not a lie if you believe it.' This is how a Clinton---take your pick, Hillary, Bill or Chelsea---makes it through the day. Better living through self-delusion
 
"Foxhole Hillary!"   Landed in Bosnia and had to run to car to avoid sniper fire.   At least Bill Clinton saw some action while she was gone!
 
Once before she said Chelsea was jogging around the twin towers the morning of 9/11.  Chelsea says she wasn't!   I could go on and on and on.
Marauding Mary's Melodious Mutterings .....................
 
I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?" 
 
You can tell when a person is well informed: their views are pretty much like your own.
 
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame
 
There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning
 
Remember, half the people you know are below average.

Salacious Sarah's Socratic Sayings ................
 
April is National Smile Month
 
This is Laugh at Work Week
 
April 1 is One Cent Day
 
 April 2 is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day    [A true national holiday]
 
 April 3 is Tweed Day
 
 April 3 is Armenian Appreciation Day    [Where can I find an Armenian?]
 
 April 3 is Don't Go To Work Unless It's Fun Day
 
 April 4 is Tell-A-Lie Day
 
 April 4 is Tater Tot Day in Benton KY    [Now those people know how to party]
 
 April 5 is Go For Broke Day    [Practicing for the 15th?]

Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines ........................
 
WELL SURE: "John Denver Karaoke Sparks Thai Killing Spree" -- London Telegraph headline
 
Breaking News From 1755: "Ben Franklin Aids Two Bethlehem Firms" ---Morning Call (Allentown, PA)
 
Breaking News From Genesis 6:17-18: "Forecasters Warn of Flooding in Ark." ---Associated Press
 
Won't School Security Want to Search the Case?: "Students Make a Case for Carrying Guns to School" ---National Public Radio Web site
 
You Can Say That Again!: "Ex-Homecoming Queen Accused of Beating Sister With Leg in Trailer Sent to Rehab" ---WTAE-TV Web site (Pittsburgh)
 
News You Can Use: "Women, Want a Healthy Marriage? Marry Man Uglier Than You, Study Says" ---FoxNews.com

Saucy Suzy's Singular Sayings ........................
 
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
 
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
 
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
 
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

Perky Pauline's Puns ..................
 
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he  summoned the medicine man. After a brief  examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin  strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief,  telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch  of the leather every day. After a month, the  medicine man returned to see how the chief was  feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is  ended, but the malady lingers on."
 
And a bonus for you groaner fans .........
 
The fairy Tinker Bell hoped to be Peter Pan's companion, but he rejected her for the more mundane Wendy. Devastated by this downturn of events, Tinker Bell decided to get as far away from Never-Never Land as she could. Her flight from fantasy land ended in Fresno, California, where she became a waitress at a roadside truck stop.
 
One day an especially rowdy group of truckers came into the restaurant. They got roaring drunk, spoke loudly and rudely, slopped chunks of food all over the table and floor, and left Tinker Bell a measly quarter gratuity per trucker. The enraged sprite literally flew into a tantrum, pointed to one of the paltry coins, and screamed, "It's the wrong way to tip a fairy.
Bumper Stickers seen on the Woodbine Beltway ..........
 
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
 
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
 
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
 
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
 
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

That's it for this week from your embedded reporter, still waiting for the boy governor, O'Malley, to release his plan to lower our utility bills that he promised three years ago to help his fellow citizens in The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.

But, on the other hand ............
 
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
 
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

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