March 18, 2005

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance.............

Congress holds committee hearings Thursday to grill Major League ballplayers about performance-enhancing drugs in baseball. The hearings are so pointless. What can a bunch of guys on steroids teach a bunch of guys on Viagra about cheating?

Have you noticed how closely "Political Correctness" and "Massive Stupidity" resemble each other?

I have had problems finding a good health insurance company because of a pre-existing condition - my bank account!

It's quite uncomfortable to be an adolescent at my age

Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the first thing about women or fractions.

Sometimes I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I wonder if those "Live Free or Die" license plates are made by prisoners.

Teenage pregnancy rates falls off rapidly after the 21st birthdays

Sara's Section ..................

March 20 is Proposal Day and

March 20 is Festival Of Extraterrestrial Abductions Day

March 20 is also Absolutely Incredible Kid Day ( Did I show you the pictures of my kids?)

March 20 is also Great American Meat Out Day (But not celebrated HERE!)

March 20 is also National Common Courtesy Day:

March 20 is Proposal Day (My goodness- what a busy day!)

March 21 is Fragrance Day (Don't you smell delicious?)

March 21 is also Memory Day but I always forget this one

March 22 is As Young As You Feel Day

March 22 is National Goof-off Day (Now that's a day worth celebrating for the entire year!)

March 22 is also International Day of the Seal (Buy a new coat?)

March 23 is Near Miss Day (Does it have something to do with Proposal Day?)

March 23 is National Organize Your Home Office Day (Barbara?)

March 23 is also National Chip and Dip Day (Shouldn't that be two days?)

March 24 is National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day (OH Yeah!)

March 25 is Pecan Day and Waffle Day (Again - two days?)

March 26 is also Spinach Festival Day

March 26 is Make Up Your Own Holiday Day

Actual Headlines...............

BATES TOWNSHIP HERALD Local man shot by cat..... A man cooking in his kitchen was shot after one of his cats knocked his 9mm handgun onto the floor, discharging the weapon, Michigan State Police said. This could have been prevented with a gun cabinet and kitty proof locks.

WELL YES, IT WOULD, WOULDN'T IT? "Stuffed Duck Explosion Ends Badly" -- Newton (Mass.) TAB headline

City May Impose Mandatory Time for Prostitution

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe

A GROANER for those of you that are easily entertained......(like me).......A man who owned waterfront property was irked by a manatee that constantly swam offshore. He resolved to rid himself of the troublesome creature. Calling to it, he asked, "What's your name?" "Hugh," the manatee replied, swimming over to the man. The man grabbed Hugh and beat him. The police arrested the man. In court, his lawyer argued the case should be thrown out because assault against a marine mammal is not an offense. The judge, A. Murphy, ruled otherwise. "Clearly," he said, "this is a crime against Hugh manatee."

Please Note: No trees were destroyed in the sending of this contaminant free message. We do concede however, that a significant number of electrons may have been slightly inconvenienced.

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