May, 18, 2007

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance ................................

 
Since six Muslims were caught planning to kill our soldiers at Fort Dix NJ, Little Harry Reid D. NV, Senate Majority Leader, will be calling for immediate withdrawal of our troops from New Jersey.

Marvelous Mary's Muted Mutterings ........................................................
 
The most common elements in the universe are hydrogen & stupidity
 
I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate.
 
You know you're getting fat when you pinch an inch on your forehead
 
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

Serious Sarah's Singular Sayings .....................................
 
May is... More Than Just A Pretty Face Month
 
This is ... You Gotta Have Park Week    [Park or pork?]
 
May 20 is . . Eliza Doolittle Day
May 21 is . . I Need A Patch For That Day

May 21 is . . Turn Beauty Inside Out Day

May 21 is . . National Memo Day     [Nobody told me about this!]

May 22 is . . Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day
 
May 23 is . . Morning Radio Wise Guy Day

May 23 is . . World Turtle Day    [take your turtle out for a run]

May 23 is . . Penny Day

May 24 is . . National Escargot Day  
 
May 24 is . . International Jazz Day

May 25 is . . Ancestor Honor Day    [If you have any]

May 25 is . . Coal Miner Day

May 25 is . . National Tap Dance Day    [Only in Washington DC]

May 26 is . . Grey Day
Live from NY, It's Jeni ................................
 
Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt and dance like you do when nobody's watching.
 
Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.
Actual Headlines ................................
 
BORN TO GET BLOOD OUT OF ANYONE: "IRS Commissioner Named to Lead Red Cross" -- Washington Post headline

Bad News for Kim Jong Il: "Yosemite Park Group Replaces Beloved Leader"  ---San Francisco Chronicle
 
C'mon, Ohio, You Can Figure It Out!: "Hillary Stumps Ohio" ---NewsMax.com
 
Higher Than 100%?: "Left-Handed Women Face Higher Risk of Death" ---Daily Telegraph (London)
 
News You Can Use: "Sweet Rat Poison Is a Danger to Children" ---Buffalo News 

Laws you need to know .............................
 
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
     
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
 
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
 
Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last..
 
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
The Perilous Punster Puns again ..................
 
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
 
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
 
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

That's it for this week from your embedded reporter, here on the outskirts of beautiful downtown Absurdia, the capital city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.

But, on the other hand ..................
 
Nietzsche said: "A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith doesn't prove anything."   And therein lies the question: Should we believe a guy who took casual strolls through lunatic asylums?
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