May 25, 2007

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance ...................

 
We believe that human happiness requires freedom and that freedom requires limited government.
 
We also believe that a really good candidate for President would not charge an anti-poverty organization $35,000 for a speech or when asked his feelings about gays said " I just don't feel comfortable around THOSE PEOPLE.  The Breck girl, John Edwards did both.
 
And, if President Bush signs the presently proposed "Amnesty Integration" bill, let impeachment proceedings begin.

A special report from our science department ...........................
 
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.   Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.  That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon." 

Marauding Mary's Meanderings ......................
 
People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it`s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
 
For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.
 
I am a deeply superficial person
 
I've practiced meditation most of my life. It's better than sitting around doing nothing.
 
The only exercise I get is jumping to conclusions, running down my friends, side-stepping responsibility and pushing my luck.
Superficial Sarah's Succinct Sayings ................................
 
May is National Very Important Papers Month
 
This is the Indianapolis 500 Week
 
May 27 is . . Body Painting Arts Festival    [Let the games begin]

May 27 is . . Great American Grump Out Day    [Another day just for me]

May 28 is . . National Hamburger Day

May 28 is . . Slugs Return to Capistrano Day

May 29 is . . Hug Your Cat Day    [Oh yeah, that will happen]

May 29 is . . End Of The Middle Ages Day  

May 30 is . . My Bucket's Got A Hole In It Day  

May 30 is . . Loomis Day    [Whatever]

May 30 is . . What You Think Upon Grows Day

May 31 is . . National Macaroon Day
 
June 1 is . . Dare Day
 
June 2 is . . National Rocky Road Day

Actual Headlines ...........................................
 
WHAT, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE NEWS? "Love Turns into Lawsuit" -- Joliet (Ill.) Herald Tribune headline
"Heavy Drinking May Shrink Brain Size, Accelerate Mental Decline" ---Bloomberg
 
ATLAS SHRUGGED: "Harlequin Books Seeks 'Real Men' for Covers" -- Reuters   headline
 
We Blame Global Warming: "Lack of Ice Set to Kill Start of Canadian Seal Hunt" ---Reuters
 
Say What?: " 'Ask a Ninja,' OK Go Win YouTube Awards" ---Associated Press

Rules you should have learned by now ..................
 
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
 
Law of Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
 
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.  
   
Political Law: Communicating logic to a liberal is only a little more difficult than communicating with the dead.

Driving rules you may be ignoring ...................
 
Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
 
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.
 
Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic.
 
Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
 
Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers.

Funny book titles ..........................
 
"Home Maintenance"....by Duane Pipe  
 
"Growing up in the Balkans".....by Hugo Slavia  
 
"Irish Winter Tales".....by Pete Moss  
 
"Increase Your Brain Power"....by Sarah Bellum  
 
"Looking Into the Wishing Well"....by Eileen Dover 

That's it for this week from your embedded reporter here on the outskirts of Absurdia, the capital city of Absurdistan where next month, the idiots that voted for O'Malley will find out that he also lied about reducing the 50% increase in electricity bills.......

On the other hand .........................
 
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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