June 1, 2007

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance ..............

 
In case you are feeling all warm and fuzzy about the new immigration bill being considered by Congress, Just the  9 million to 10 million illegal adults already here will,  if given amnesty, cost an average of $300,000 -- cumulatively, more than $2.5 trillion -- in various entitlements (Social Security, food stamps, Medicaid, housing, etc.) over 30 years.  

To those who say border control is impossible -- often these are the same people who said better policing could not substantially reduce crime, until it did.
Marvelous Mary's Melodious Mutterings ....................
 
I have a new recipe for an exotic gourmet dinner. First, take two credit cards
 
When I grow up, I want to be an everythingologist.

Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally, I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off
 
I considered getting professional help for my multiple personality disorder, but I couldn't find a doctor who would give me a group discount.
 
New York City was hosting a four-day Global Warming Summit.   But today was such a nice day, they canceled it
Serendipitous Sarah's Salacious Sayings ....................................
 
June is National Accordion Awareness Month
 
June 3 is . . . . . Repeat Day
 
June 3 is . . . . . Repeat Day
 
June 5 is . . . . . Festival Of Popular Delusions Day
 
June 6 is . . . . . Teacher's Day and National Applesauce Cake Day
 
June 7 is . . . . . National Chocolate Ice Cream Day
 
June 8 is . . . . . Name Your Poison Day
 
June 9 is . . . . . Donald Duck Day
Live from New York, it's Jeni ........................
 
The height of your accomplishments will equal the depth of your convictions.
 
I began my education at a very early age. In fact, right after I left college.
 
The most damaging phrase in the language is "It's always been done that way."

Actual Headlines ..............................
 
A DREAM COME TRUE: "Australia Finds a New Power Source -- Beer" -- London   Times headline
 
It Remains Armed, Dangerous and Cold-Blooded: "80-Pound Lizard Flees After Shooting" ---Chicago Tribune
 
Pistols at 20 Paces: "U.S. Ambassadors To Pursue Duel-Track Strategy in Talks With Iran" ---FoxNews.com
 
News You Can Use: "Binge Drinking Hurts Judgment Skills" ---United Press International 
 
"You Don't Have to Wear Spandex to Be a Hero" ---press release, Volvo Cars of North America

Driving rules you may forget from time to time ...........................
 
It is traditional to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
 
Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
 
Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
 
Remember that the goal of every driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
 
Real women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 70 mph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

Puns from the Punster ......................
 
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
 
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
 
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
 
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

Cards that Hallmark missed .....................
 
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
 
"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
 
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
 
"I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
That's it this week from your embedded reporter, stuck in the outskirts of the suburbs of Absurdia, the capital city of the Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan with crazy's to the left of me and wimps to the right of me.....

On the other hand .......................
 
When you blame others, you give up your power to change.

Return to the Friday's Musings Home Page