June 29, 2007
Pushing back the frontiers of
Unexpected news - The Bush, Kennedy,
McCain Illegal Amnesty bill was defeated in the Senate this week. Talk
about three losers... McCain took another hit this week when the Supremes
practically gutted the McCain-Feingold bill.
Speaking of future losers -The video
described in a civil suit as "smoking gun" evidence that Sen. Hillary Clinton
(D-N.Y.) committed felonies became available on the Internet Friday. On
the tape the former first lady
and leading Democratic presidential contender is heard speaking in 2000 with
Hollywood mogul Peter Paul, comic book icon Stan Lee, and director Aaron Tonkin
Mary's Marvelous Mutterings
The Vatican this week published something
itís calling the 'Ten Commandments for Drivers.' It's commandments you should
follow while you drive. They actually mention me by name.
The Vatican also encourages you to pray
while you drive: Our Father who art in heaven don't let Lindsay Lohan or Billy
Joel cross my path on my way to work.
I am definitely not a
procrastinator. In fact, I'm already planning my 2008 weight loss
The Department of Health and Human
Services officially recognized obesity as a medical illness. Doctors say
symptoms include shortness of breath and 'wideness' of ass
You know how in "As Good As It Gets,"
Jack Nicholson starts off as a complete jerk, but you gradually start to love
him? I'm trying something like that. I already have the first part down
The really frightening thing about middle
age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it.
Sappy Sarah's Sayings
July is Get Out of Town
July is also Penguin Awareness
Month [I guess this is fir Linux users?]
This is Be Nice To New Jersey
Week [just for you, Anne]
July 1 is . . . . . Creative Ice Cream
July 1 is . . . . . Build A Scarecrow
July 2 is . . . . . I Forgot Day
July 3 is . . . . . Chimborazo Day [Whatever that
July 3 is . . . . . Air Conditioning Appreciation Day
July 3 is . . . . . Compliment Your Mirror Day
July 4 is . . . . . National Country Music Day
July 4 is . . . . . Tom Sawyer Fence-Painting Day
July 4 is . . . . . Independence From Meat Day [I'll
eat an extra hamburger or two to celebrate]
June 5 is . . . . . Festival Of Popular Delusions Day
July 5 is . . . . . Workaholics Day [I'm going to
take this day off]
July 6 is . . . . . National Fried Chicken Day
July 6 is . . . . . Donut Day [Oh Yeah!]
July 6 is . . . . . Take Your Webmaster to Lunch
July 7 is . . . . . Heirloom Seed Day [Do
you have any heirloom seeds? Where do you plant them?]
July 7 is . . . . . National Trails Day [Happy trails
July 7 is . . . . . National Strawberry Sundae Day
Actual Headlines ......................
FORMER JOCK, NOW IN THE DOCK: "Upset with Wife's Online Chats, Man Shoots
Computer" -- Scranton (Penn.) Times-Tribune headline
This week's "Gag Reflex" Award: "You have to respect him for sticking to
his principles." ---CBS's Katie Couric on Jimmy Carter
It's Almost Down to 100%: "Steep Drop in Death Among Diabetic Men"
But Only She Would Inhale: "Bernstein: Clintons Would Operate Joint
Presidency" ---The New York Sun
News You Can Use: "Candidates' Names Are Tough in Chinese" ---Associated
Breaking News From 1800: "Group Announces Support for Jefferson"
News You Can Use: "Outdoors: Don't Trash Carp, Hook 'Em With an 'Ugly
Bugger"' ---Idaho Statesman (Boise)
Live from New York, It's Jeni
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It
seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go
home to... or they do.
We've had huge rain storms all the way from Minnesota to New York. Or as Al
Gore calls it, global leaking
If it was raining soup, I would only have a fork!
Every time I hear the phrase "There's always someone worse off than you
are," I get upset. I wish they would just leave me out of it.
From the Punster ..................
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the
men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He
asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and
begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most Vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to
close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if
they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only
Hugh can prevent Florist friars.
Not everyone has a way with a saying
"Keep a stiff upper chin."
"The squeaky wheel gets the spoke."
"I can lead you to horsewater, but I can't make you drink."
That's it for this week from your embedded reporter with the troops
(Boy Scout) outside of the Beltway around Absurdia, the capital city of The
Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where the boy who was Mayor (and
accomplished nothing became Governor and may be Hillary's vice-president
But, on the other hand ........................