September 21, 2007

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance ...............

 
I was going to use this space this week to give several more reasons that George Bush should be impeached, but .........
 
Not one of the surrender monkeys running for president has had the honesty to denounce MoveOn.org or the New York Times on their attacks on the US military and they will only get more violent as time goes by while the Liberal cowards ignore them!
Marvelous Mary's Meanderings ..........................
 
Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.
 
Be alert...the world needs more lerts
 
Our forefathers guaranteed us the right to the pursuit of happiness.  They should have given us a few clues as to where to look.
 
If I had a faster computer, I'd be inclined to spend more time inclining.
 
It's been said that if you lined up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.  That would be *me*, because -- HELLO! -- no one's coming from the other direction.
Sappy Sarah's Sayings ...........................
 
September is National Honey Month
 
This is National Dog Week
 
September 23 is...Checkers Day
 
September 23 is...Dogs In Politics Day
 
September 23 is...Marie Callender's Pot Pie Day
 
September 24 is...Festival Of Latest Novelties
 
September 24 is...Innergize Day
 
September 25 is...National Comic Book Day
 
September 25 is...National One-Hit Wonder Day
 
September 26 is...National Good Neighbor Day
 
September 26 is...National Pancake Day 
 
September 27 is...Ancestor Appreciation Day
 
September 27 is...Crush A Can Day
 
September 26 is...National Good Neighbor Day
 
September 28 is Ask A Stupid Question Day  
 
September 29 is...Poisoned Blackberries Day
 
September 30 is...National Mud Pack Day

Actual Headlines ...............................
 
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IN AUSTRALIA THIS WEEK? "City Besieged, but the Beer Must Get Through" -- Sydney Morning Herald headline
 
Breaking News From 1993: "Clinton Readies Her U.S. Health Plan as Pitfalls Loom" ---Bloomberg
 
Life Imitates The Onion: "Maybe We Should Try Coddling the Terrorists" ---The Onion, Sept. 12  ++   "Talking to al Qaeda? Don't Rule It Out, Some Say" ---Reuters, Sept. 13
 
News You Can Use: "Today's Lesson in Anger Management: No Fighting" ---Pioneer Press (St. Paul, MN)  ++  
 
More News You Can Use: "Earth Might Survive Sun's Explosion [In Five Billion Years]" ---The New York Times
 
Bottom Story of the Day: "Katie Couric Hits Another Low in Ratings" ---Reuters

Books I can't wait to read .................................
 
Cloning -- by Ima Dubble

Irish Flooring -- by Lynn O'Leum

Holmes Does it Again -- by Scott Linyard

Home Alone IV -- by Eddie Buddyhome

The Scent of a Man -- by Jim Nasium

Is O. J. Guilty? -- by Howard I. Know

Animal Illnesses -- by Ann Thrax

French Overpopulation -- by Francis Crowded

Fallen Underwear -- by Lucy Lastic

Perfect Puns from Paul ......................
 
There's a fire at a circus.  A man Sees the flames and devises a plan.  The heat is in tents,  The pressure immense.
He is doing asbestos he can.
My current resume ..................................
 
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned couldn't concentrate.
 
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
 
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ... mainly because it was a so-so job.
Real Want Ads ..........................
 
NORDIC TRACK $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents lb.
 
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
 
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .  WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
 
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.  Excellent condition.  $1,000 or best offer.  No longer needed, got married last month.  Wife knows everything

That's it for this week from your embedded reporter, here in the outskirts of Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where the populace is stupid and is proud of it!

But, on the other hand .....................
 
Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him.
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