November 2, 2007

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance ..........................

 
Does your Senator vote any more? Probably not.  In one recent week, the Senate passed 153 bills without a vote.  How it works: Dirty Harry Reid calls "Go along with the crowd" Mitch McConnell on a special hotline and asks if he objects - if he or a staff member doesn't answer in 15 minutes, or misses the call, the bill passes. How do you like the Liberal leadership now?  Is this what you voted for?  Yes it is!

Marvelous Mary's Mental Meanderings .................
 
There's no rehab for stupidity
 
I was awarded custody of Brittany's children this week and I don't even know where they are!
 
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?  
 
Why are "wise man" and "wise guy" opposites? 
 
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. And there are 6 people in my family, so it must be, that at least one of us is Chinese.

 
Stupendous Sarah's Serious Sayings ..........................
 
November is National Peanut Butter Lover's Month
 
This is Pursuit of Happiness Week    [Pursue away!]
 
November 4 is . . . . . Waiting For The Barbarians Day

November 4 is . . . . . National Chicken Lady Day

November 5 is . . . . . The Truth will out and hurt Day

November 5 is . . . . . Gunpowder Day

November 5 is . . . . . Guy Fawkes Day, celebrated in the UK.    [Let's not ever forget Guy!]

November 6 is . . . . . The Lost Chord Day    [I Thought we found it last year]

November 6 is . . . . . Saxophone Day
 
November 6 is . . . . . Marooned Without A Compass Day

November 6 is . . . . . National Men Make Dinner Day    [And good luck on that!]

November 6 is . . . . . Return Day

November 7 is . . . . . Boy on the Burning Deck Day

November 7 is . . . . . Notary Public Day    [Are you a notary sojak?]

November 8 is . . . . . If Wishes were Horses Day

November 8 is . . . . . Dunce Day

November 8 is . . . . . Abet and Aid Punsters Day    [A special day for Glenn]

November 8 is . . . . . Cook Something Bold and Pungent Day

November 8 is . . . . . National Ample Time Day

November 8 is . . . . . National Parents As Teachers Day    [Somebody has to do it!]

November 9 is . . . . . Missing Link Day    [I found the link - it's in the Senate]

November 9 is . . . . . Chaos Never Dies Day

November 10 is . . . . . Forget-Me-Not Day

Hilarious Hilda's Head-on Headlines ......................
 
Clinton Campaign Now Hiring: "Mob Wanted to Whack Rudy" ---The New York Post
 
And if You Believe This, We've Got a Bridge to Sell You: "Hillary Clinton: Dental Surgery Evokes Romance in Bill" ---FoxNews.com
 
That Explains Maureen Dowd: "Neanderthals Described as Red-Haired" ---ABCNews.com
 
Once They're 7, They're on Their Own: "Learn to Raise Happy Children Up to Age 6" ---Idaho Statesman
 
'What Is a Pipe Dream?': "Mideast Solution Plan in Jeopardy" ---Time.com
 
We Blame Global Warming: "Palestinian Soccer Team Misses World Cup Qualifier, Blames Israel" ---Ha'aretz
 
Bottom Story of the Day: "Sean Penn Loses Trailer in Malibu Fire" ---TMZ.com
 
"THEY'RE BIGGER THAN MINE!" WIFE SOBS: "Enlarged Breasts in Men Often Troubling" -- Chicago Sun Times headline

Belinda's Bodacious Bumper Stickers ................................
 
Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ass.
 
I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
 
Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends
 
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
 
Hang up and drive!!
 
Welcome to America ... now speak English

Things I have learned .........................
 
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
 
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.
 
People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
 
The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
 
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Perilous Pauline's Penurious puns ......................................
 
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town  which was avoided by all the townsfolk - the ghost which 'lived' there was feared by all.  

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom.   When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.  

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.  

So what's the moral of the story?  

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.  
 
And since it's Halloween week, a bonus ...........
 
We all love to travel, and vampires, too, need their rest and relaxation. So Count Dracula went on a tour of Europe. Having not had a meal since he'd left the homeland of Transylvania, he was very glad when a town constable knocked on his hotel door and asked the count to show him his passport. It didn't take Dracula long to grab the policemen and suck every drop of blood out of him.
 
Now Dracula was faced with a problem. "How do I dispose of this body?" he wondered. The only solution he could come with was to throw the new corpse out the window "I'm so high up, they'll never trace the body back to me.   Ha ha," he cackled. So - whoosh -- out the window went the corpse.
 
It just so happens that right below that window was the customary station of an itinerant street singer.    Bang! The singer got hit right on his noggin by the falling body and was knocked unconscious.
 
Back in his hotel room Dracula was in the mood for "dessert," so he rang room service and asked the front desk to send up another town constable. Ten minutes later the policeman arrived and Dracula invited him in.
 
As soon as the door shut, Dracula pounced, devoured his fresh and steaming "dessert," Again the count wondered "How do I get rid of the body?" and then thought, 'Well, it worked once. Why not again?' So out the window went his latest victim.
 
At that moment the street singer below had just regained consciousness and was wondering what the heck was going on. His consciousness didn't last long, however, as he was instantly knocked out cold by Count Dracula's second victim.
 
Some time later the singer woke up and saw that a small crowd had gathered around. As he regained his bearings, one of the onlookers asked, "What's happened here?"
 
"It's terrible," sang the street singer. "Drained cops keep falling on my head!"

Yesterday was All Souls Day but today is my personal day - Poor Souls Day - here in the suburbs of the city of Absurdia, the principal city of the Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where our drop-out academies are flourishing under the continued leadership of the same old party for the last 50 years.
But, on the other hand .................
 
People are funny;  they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.
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