January 18, 2008

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance ...........................

NOW THEY'RE DEMANDING WE GIVE UP OUR LANGUAGE!

That's right!  The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) is going after a Salvation Army thrift store BECAUSE IT REQUIRED EMPLOYEES TO SPEAK ENGLISH ON THE JOB!  The store even gave everyone a year to learn English. Two refused and were fired.

It's about time to get back our country!


Meticulous Mary's Moronic Meanderings .....................

Calling an illegal immigrant an "undocumented worker" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist"

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame

A fool and his money can throw a hell of a party

When blonds have more fun, do they know it?

Don't drink & drive, you might hit a bump and spill something


Superfluous Sarah's Stupendous Simpering ..............

January is National Yours, Mine and Ours Month    [Mostly mine!]

This is ... Cuckoo Dancing Week    [And you know who you are]

This is ... International Thank-You Days    [So, here it is]

This is ... Wilderness Wildlife Week of Nature   

This is ... Man Watcher's Week    [For whom?]

This is ... Bald Eagle Appreciation Days    [And if we can appreciate a bald eagle, how about a bald guy?]

This is ... Healthy Weight Week

This is ... Hunt For Happiness Week    [Watch where you start the hunt!]

This is ... National Creative Frugality Week    [This would have been longer but....]

This is ... Solo-Preneuring Week    [And good luck with that!]

This is ... National Handwriting Analysis Week    [Not mine - can't read mine]


Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines ...................

"LIVES TO REGRET IT" ILLUSTRATED: "Man Survives Six Storey Fall into Trash Compactor" -- Davenport (Iowa) Quad-City Times headline
 
Breaking News From 1989-93, 2001-Present: "Bush Faces Obstacles in Mideast"---Associated Press
 
Breaking News From Genesis 6:19-20: "Remember Pets When Flooding Occurs"---Times (Munster, IN)
 
There Are 435 to Choose From: "House Appropriator Wants Flake on Spending Panel"---The Hill
 
News of the Tautological: "Olmert: No Peace Unless Attacks Stop"---Associated Press
 
News You Can Use: "Board Member: Drinking, Nudity Don't Mix"---Naperville (IL) Sun
 
Bottom Story of the Day: "Asteroid Unlikely to Collide With Mars"---Associated Press

Perilous Paul's Ponderous Puns ...........................
 
No matter how much joy juice Bob drank at the company party, he couldn't crack a smile, even once, because he had a secret: Bob was laughtose intolerant.................
 
One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if  
he can work the juice machines.  The manager says no.  
  
The bagger says, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?"  
  
The manager goes, "I'm sorry, son, but, baggers can't be juicers."  

More of the World's Thinnest Books .....................
 
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J Kevorkian
 
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
 
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
 
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

That's it for this week from your embedded reporter lurking in the outskirts of Absurdia, the principle city of The People's Socialistic Republic of Absurdistan where rumors of the current Governor's upcoming recall were started by the overtaxed citizens who claimed "They never knew this guy was a tax and spender."  Bull crap!
But, on the other hand ...............
 
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

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