February 1, 2008

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance .............

 
There was a big Democratic debate the other night, and NBC would not allow Dennis Kucinich into the debate because his poll numbers were not high enough. How ironic is that---NBC saying your ratings are too low. ...
 
Now we're up to our hips in alligators and global-warming fanatics. We can't predict a hurricane next week, but Al Gore can predict doom 40 years from next Christmas, and a lot of people take him seriously.

Manic Mary's Melodious Mutterings ................
 
Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic.  
 
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart
 
Gun control: using both hands
 
I was hoping I could avoid that line dancing thing in my PE class, but the gym teacher crushed my hopes, saying my vast experience with field sobriety tests didn't count.
 
Good advice - Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.
Serendipitous Sarah's Sensational Sayings ............
 
February is... National Blah Buster Month
 
This is Get Paid to Shop Week
 
February 1 is. . . Robinson Crusoe Day    [And it's FRIDAY!]

February 2 is. . . Groundhog Shadow Day    [For you Pennsyltuckians]

February 2 is. . . National Mental Health Day    [I usually take this day off]

February 3 is. . . Cordova Ice Worm Day

February 4 is. . . Create A Vacuum Day  

February 4 is. . . Dump Your Significant Jerk Day

February 5 is. . . Weatherman's [Weatherperson's/] Day

February 6 is. . . Lame Duck Day  

February 6 is. . . Pay A Compliment Day    [compliment your duck]
 
February 7 is. . . National Fall Awareness Day    [Don't slip on the ice!]

February 8 is. . . Kite Flying Day   [So, go fly a kite!]

February 9 is. . . Man Day

February 9 is. . . National DAV (Develop Alternative Vices)     [I'm all for this one!]

Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines ......................
 
IF HE LIVED, THAT'S 'MIRACULOUS' ENOUGH FOR ME: "'Miraculous' Recovery for Man Who Fell 47 Floors -- New York Times headline
 
Breaking News From 1988, 1992, 2000 and 2004: "Anti-Bush Campaign Planned" ---Associated Press
 
Eminent Domain Run Amok: "State Officials Travel to China to Sell Georgia" ---Atlanta Journal-Constitution
 
Of Course if They Are True, He'll Never Admit It: "Singer Says Rumors That He Is Dead Aren't True" ---Times-Union (Jacksonville, FL)
 
Accounting Tricks: "Hookers to Help Sheriff Balance the Books" ---Flint (MI) Journal
 
Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?': "Customers Hoping for Little Change" ---Gloucester County (NJ) Times
 
I Blame Global Warming: "Man Grabs Shark With Hands; Blames Vodka" ---Associated Press
Panicking Paula's Pernicious Puns ..........................
 
Down the street his funeral goes,  
As sobs and wails diminish.  
He died from drinking straight shellac,  
But he had a lovely finish.  
 
And a bonus round for Super Bowl Sunday .....................
 
My friend and his father were the biggest New England Patriots fans you'd ever meet.
 
This year, unfortunately, his dad died. They had a beautiful funeral service, but decided to keep his cremated remains instead of a more standard burial.
 
  Well, as my friend still has the two Seasons Tickets they've held for so long, he thought he'd bring his dad - well, at least his ashes - to one last game, but was refused entry when he tried to explain the glass urn to the guards at the gate.
 
  Really pissed off at the Patriots' organization for not letting him in, he called me to come use the ticket with him, explaining, "Boy, it's really a sad state of affairs when you can't take a bottle of pop to the game with you."

Did you ever wonder .........................
 
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
 
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
 
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
 
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
 
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.

That's enough ponderables for this week from your embedded reporter near Absurdia, where we are only number two on the national murder scale (but trying harder to be number one) but still the principle city of the Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan and soon to be officially named the Peoples Socialist Republic of Absurdistan.

But, on the other hand ..............
 
The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.

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