Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart
Gun control: using both hands
I was hoping I could avoid that line dancing thing in my PE class,
but the gym teacher crushed my hopes, saying my vast experience with
field sobriety tests didn't count.
Good advice - Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have
nothing to lose.
February 2 is. . . National Mental Health Day [I usually
take this day off]
February 3 is. . . Cordova Ice Worm Day
February 4 is. . . Create A Vacuum Day
February 4 is. . . Dump Your Significant Jerk Day
February 5 is. . . Weatherman's [Weatherperson's/] Day
February 6 is. . . Lame Duck Day
February 6 is. . . Pay A Compliment Day [compliment your duck]
February 7 is. . . National Fall Awareness Day [Don't slip on the
February 8 is. . . Kite Flying Day [So, go fly a kite!]
February 9 is. . . Man Day
February 9 is. . . National DAV (Develop Alternative Vices) [I'm
all for this one!]
Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines ......................
IF HE LIVED, THAT'S 'MIRACULOUS' ENOUGH FOR ME: "'Miraculous'
Recovery for Man Who Fell 47 Floors -- New York Times headline
Breaking News From 1988, 1992, 2000 and 2004: "Anti-Bush Campaign
Planned" ---Associated Press
Eminent Domain Run Amok: "State Officials Travel to China to Sell
Georgia" ---Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Of Course if They Are True, He'll Never Admit It: "Singer Says
Rumors That He Is Dead Aren't True" ---Times-Union (Jacksonville,
Accounting Tricks: "Hookers to Help Sheriff Balance the Books"
---Flint (MI) Journal
Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?': "Customers Hoping for Little
Change" ---Gloucester County (NJ) Times
I Blame Global Warming: "Man Grabs Shark With Hands; Blames Vodka"
Panicking Paula's Pernicious Puns ..........................
Down the street his funeral goes,
As sobs and wails diminish.
He died from drinking straight shellac,
But he had a lovely finish.
And a bonus round for Super Bowl Sunday .....................
My friend and his father were the biggest New England Patriots fans
you'd ever meet.
This year, unfortunately, his dad died. They had a beautiful funeral
service, but decided to keep his cremated remains instead of a more
Well, as my friend still has the two Seasons Tickets they've held
for so long, he thought he'd bring his dad - well, at least his
ashes - to one last game, but was refused entry when he tried to
explain the glass urn to the guards at the gate.
Really pissed off at the Patriots' organization for not letting
him in, he called me to come use the ticket with him, explaining,
"Boy, it's really a sad state of affairs when you can't take a
bottle of pop to the game with you."
Did you ever wonder .........................
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for
their final exam.
That's enough ponderables for this week from your embedded reporter
near Absurdia, where we are only number two on the national murder
scale (but trying harder to be number one) but still the principle
city of the Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan and soon to
be officially named the Peoples Socialist Republic of Absurdistan.
But, on the other hand ..............