February 8, 2008

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance ............

Liberal math at work - On her one year anniversary as Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi said her greatest achievement was passage of the energy bill. "This COULD save drivers as much as $1000 a year."
Of course this will add $4-5000 to the cost of the manufacture of a car as well as greatly increased service costs throughout the life of the automobile.  (And add to  the cost of monthly payments)
Libs just don't understand the results of unintended consequences nor do their supporters........

Meticulous Mary's Maundy Mutterings ..................
The Department of Health and Human Services officially recognized obesity as a medical illness. Doctors say symptoms include shortness of breath and 'wideness' of ass
My friends call me lazy because I always use a cart when I play golf -- but they're probably still angry because of that time I accidentally ran into the windmill.
Three out of four people make up 75% of the population according to the after vote surveys
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?   Two ways to cross a river.
I have kleptomania, but I'm taking something for it. 

Sappy Sarah's Serendipitous sayings ......................
February is... National Blah Buster Month
This is Love May Make the World Go 'Round, But Laughter Keeps Us From Getting Dizzy Week
February 10 is. . . Umbrella Day

February 11 is. . . Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk Day    [So, when can I cry?]

February 11 is. . . Be Electrific Day

February 12 is. . . Darwin Day

February 12 is. . . National Plum Pudding Day

February 12 is. . . Lost Penny Day

February 13 is. . . Get A Different Name Day  

February 14 is. . . Ferris Wheel Day    [Just try to find one running this time of the year!]

February 14 is. . . Romance & Remembrance Day

February 15 is. . . National "I Want Butterscotch" Day

February 15 is. . . National Gum Drop Day

February 15 is. . . National Sea Monkey Day

February 16 is. . . National Slap A Cop Day    [Just for Eva Gabor]

February 16 is. . . Do A Grouch A Favor Day     [It's time you did something for me!]
Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines .....................
MY NEXT BOOK? A GREAT DEAL AT JUST $300,000: "Want the Public to like Your Product Better? Raise the Price." -- AP headline
We Blame Global Warming: "Bush Budget Would Nearly Freeze Domestic Spending" ---Reuters
The Audacity of Dope: "Obama: Decriminalize Pot" ---The Washington Times
Isn't That Torture?: "Dems Needle Mukasey on Waterboarding" ---Associated Press
Be Careful What You Wish For: "Neighbors of Sewage Plant Sue to Block It" ---Columbus(Ohio) Dispatch
News You Can Use: "Manure Drastically Reduces Development of Lung Cancer" ---Daily Telegraph (Australia)
"Police: Crack Found in Man's Buttocks" ---WTTG-TV Web site (Washington)
Perilous Paul's Ponderous Puns ........................
Two pieces of string meet one day in the park and while one goes on the slide the other goes on the swings. They're having a great time until one string decides to go on the roundabout.  
After a while, the string feels really dizzy and falls off, scraping across the tarmac and making as tangled mess of one end and falling in a heap.
The second string looked at him and sighed "you're not very good on that roundabout are you?"  
The first string looked at himself and said "I'm a frayed knot".  

At work, I feel like I'm surrounded by a bunch of dum-dums and slo-pokes. I think this job at the candy factory is adversely confecting me.
And a bonus ..............
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

Something to offend everyone .......................
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
Things I don't understand ..............
Puffy Vests (To make people look fat?)  
Dressing Up One's Dog (People are cruel/stupid?)  
The Appeal of Paris Hilton (People need a Life?)  
Chili Fries (To harden arteries faster?)  
Wearing Sunglasses That Are Bigger than Your Face (People want to be noticed?)  
That's it for this week from just outside the Woodbine Beltway, on the fringe of the Lost City of Absurdia, the principle city of the Peoples Socialistic Republic of Absurdistan, where we tax everything, including our patience!

But, on the other hand .............
When the tide of life turns against you and the current upsets your boat  Don't waste tears on what might have been, just lie on your back and float
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