February 22, 2008

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance ..........

Now we're up to our hips in alligators and global-warming fanatics. We can't predict a hurricane next week, but Al Gore can predict doom 40 years from next Christmas, and a lot of people take him seriously.

Are the world's ice caps melting because of climate change, or are the reports just a lot of scare mongering by the advocates of the global warming theory?

Scare mongering appears to be the case, according to reports from the U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) that reveal that almost all the allegedly “lost” ice has come back. A NOAA report shows that ice levels which had shrunk from 5 million square miles in January 2007 to just 1.5 million square miles in October, are almost back to their original levels.

Meticulous Mary's Muddled Mutterings ................

Hangovers are temporary; memories are forever. Unless you were too drunk to remember them, that is.

I began to suspect that something was very wrong when the time management seminar went into its third week.

I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be.

Oh, sure, they complain about the broken glass and the false alarm, but you have to understand -- when you have $500 on the Patriots, third-and-15 is an emergency.

My great-great-grandfather was a real pirate and according to his diary, my great-grandfather followed in his footstep.

Serendipitous Sarah's Superfluous Sayings ................

February is National Cherry Pie Month

This week is Nostalgia Week [Don't dwell in the past!]

February 24 is. . . National Tortilla Chip Day

February 25 is. . . Pistol Patent Day (Samuel Colt)

February 25 is. . . Spay Day USA [Poor doggy!]

February 26 is. . . National Pistachio Day

February 26 is. . . For Pete's Sake Day [Well, for crying out loud!]

February 27 is. . . International Polar Bear Day

February 28 is. . . Public Sleeping Day

February 28 is. . . Floral Design Day

February 29 is. . . National Surf and Turf Day [Pass the sauce!]

Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines ...........................

When Was Berkeley Ever Normal?: "Berkeley Back to Normal After Marine Corps Dispute" ---San Jose Mercury News

Nothing Gets Past the Ethics Panel: "Ethics Panel Says [Sen.] Craig Acted Improperly" ---Associated Press

Breaking News From 1066: "Vikings Go on Rampage at Lodge" ---Post-Journal (Jamestown, NY)

He Was Aiming for the Road Runner: "Aggressive Coyote Shot at Copper" ---Denver Post

Look Out Below!: "World's Fattest Man Drops 230 Kilos (507 Pounds)" ---Agence France-Presse

News You Can Use: "Healthy Lifestyle Is the Secret to Longer Life, Researchers Say" ---eFluxMedia.com

At least, that's what we heard: "Serbian Hospitals to Ban Gossiping" -- Reuters headline

Paternal Paula's Ponderous Puns ...................

A man was explaining to his marriage counselor how he really loved his wife, Edith, but he just couldn't drop his mistress, Kate. The marriage counselor shook his head and said, "You can't have your Kate and Edith too

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

And a bonus ........................

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

And a couple of ponderous ponderisms .......................

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

That's it for this week from the Peoples Socialistic Republic of Absurdistan where the Woodbine Beltway has become so icy over night that the local liberals are now questioning Al Gore's new book "Inconvenient Lies."

But, on the other hand ................

A liberal thinks of the next election - a conservative, of the next generation.

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