March 14, 2008

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance ................

 
It is no wonder that Gov. Elliot Spitzer fell from grace.  He was not a morally corrupt man that was willing to put his family through hell.   HE WAS A MAN WITH NO POLITICAL PARTY!   Neither ABC, NBC or CBS has mentioned that he was the head of his states political party on either their news reports or morning news shows.  So, if you want to remain faithful to your spouse, join a political party!   (Or, you could stop believing what the three networks tell you)

Marvelous Mary's Manic Mutterings ...................
 
Starbucks has announced that they're introducing a coffee that costs only one dollar. Apparently the catch is you have to purchase it at Dunkin' Donuts.
 
I remember vividly the first time I heard the word "syntax."   Damned Democrats!  I didn't know that there was a tax on sin.   I can  hardly afford gas for my car!
 
If you're dog-tired at night, it may be because you growled all day.

Because it's so close, Hillary's kind of caught between Barack and a hard place
 
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and those are the people you need to concentrate on
Sappy Sarah's Serendipitous Sayings  ...........................
 
March is Play The Recorder Month   [Where did I put my recorder?]
 
This is National Spring Fever Week
 
Tomorrow, the buzzards return to Hinckley, Ohio
 
March 16 is . . Lips Appreciation Day    [Oh Yeah!]

March 16 is . . Everything You Do Is Right Day  

March 17 is . . St Patrick's Day

March 17 is . . Act Happy Day    [Even if you are not Irish]

March 17 is . . Freedom of Information Day    [Have you checked the price of tuition lately]

March 17 is . . Submarine Day

March 18 is . . Supreme Sacrifice Day   [I thought that was April 15th!]

March 18 is . . Awkward Moments Day

March 19 is . . Poultry Day

March 20 is . . Festival Of Extraterrestrial Abductions Day

March 20 is . . Absolutely Incredible Kid Day

March 20 is . . National Agriculture Day

March 20 is . . National Common Courtesy Day    [Not if I get there first!]

March 20 is . . Proposal Day    [I haven't proposed lately so........]

March 21 is . . Fragrance Day

March 21 is . . Memory Day    [In case you forgot!]

March 22 is . . As Young As You Feel Day    [Insert your own joke here]

March 22 is . . National Goof-off Day  

March 22 is . . International Day of the Seal    [I need a new coat!]
Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines ..............................
 
DISPUTE SETTLED: "Police: Man Runs over Wife after 'Who Drives' Spat" -- Florida Today headline
 
 
STRIP CLUBS SHOCK - Magistrates May Act On Indecent Shows (Daily Mirror).  
 
AUDIENCE TRIED TO SPOIL PLAY - But St. Chad's Players Succeeded (Sunderland Echo).  
 
A FARMER'S WIFE IS BEST SHOT (Glasgow Evening Citizen).  
 
NUDIST NABBED - Unclothed Man Who Admits Brandishing Pistol Is Charged With Carrying Concealed Weapon (Providence Journal).  

Saucy Suzanne's Socratic Stutterings .....................
 
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me.
 
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
 
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?    He's all right now.
 
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

Picky Pauline's Perilous Puns ....................
 
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
 
This made him.... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
And a bonus, a long one, just to upset you...............
 
The fairy Tinker Bell hoped to be Peter Pan's companion, but he rejected her for the more mundane Wendy. Devastated by this downturn of events, Tinker Bell decided to get as far away from Never-Never Land as she could. Her flight from fantasy land ended in Fresno, California, where she became a waitress at a roadside truckstop.  
 
One day an especially rowdy group of truckers came into the restaurant. They got roaring drunk, spoke loudly and rudely, slopped chunks of food all over the table and floor, and left Tinker Bell a measly quarter gratuity per trucker. The enraged sprite literally flew into a tantrum, pointed to one of the paltry coins, and screamed, "It's the wrong way to tip a fairy, who's a long way from home!" 

Things I just don't understand ...................
 
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
 
What is a "free" gift?   Aren't all gifts free?
 
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
 
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
 
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone

That's it for this week from your embedded reporter, lurking on the outskirts of the Woodbine Beltway (satellite photo soon) and still a resident of The People's Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where sales tax revenues have fallen off drastically, even after our partying Governor gave us the largest increase in sales tax, ever!   Gee, how does that work? Why is that?  You mean we didn't learn that the last time?  What's wrong with us?

But on the Other Hand ...........
 
The oyster is but a shell that conceals the pearl within.
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And oyster guts.

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