May 16, 2008

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance..................

After the coldest April in 11 years, John McCain offers a 'market friendly' approach to global warming---saying we 'have a genius for adapting, solving problems.' But shouldn't the problems be real?
I'm no pundit, but it occurred to me that Hillary Clinton has one thing in common with President Bush.   Neither of them has an exit strategy
The top blockbuster in a long time is "Iron Man." This is the most money a mechanical man has made with a movie since Al Gore released  "Inconvenient Truth."  And they both contain an equal amount of "truth!"

Meticulous Mary's Moronic Mutterings.....................
The only imaginative fiction being written today is income tax returns
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It's nice to know the government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems.
A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
To judge from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are:
(1) Why men are all disgusting pigs and
(2) How to attract men."

Serendipitous Sarah's Superior Sayings....................
May is National Salsa Month
This is National Dog Bite Week    [Bite your dog?]
May 18 is . . Neighbor Day    [So, bite your neighbor if you don't have a dog]

May 18 is . . Visit Your Relatives Day    [Unless they have a restraining order]

May 19 is . . Frog Jumping Jubilee Day    [I always look forward to this one!]

May 20 is . . Eliza Doolittle Day

May 21 is . . I Need A Patch For That Day

May 21 is . . Turn Beauty Inside Out Day    [Only if you have beautiful bones!]

May 21 is . . National Memo Day

May 22 is . .Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day  [Does a kazoo count?]

May 23 is . . Morning Radio Wise Guy Day

May 23 is . . World Turtle Day:

May 23 is . . Penny Day

May 24 is . . National Escargot Day   [Watch that S-car go - around the track!]

May 24 is . . International Jazz Day
Saucy Suzi's Sayings......................................
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britche s will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines.............................
HOT HOT HOT: "Taser Shock Triggers Fire in Man's Pants" -- Hamilton (Ont., Canada) Spectator headline
Back to the Future: "I-5 Express Lanes to Be Closed Earlier Today" ---Seattle Times
We Blame Global Warming: "Planet Lands in Fargo After Fire in Restroom" ---Associated Press  ++   "Fire Destroys Home in North Pole" ---Fairbanks (Alaska) Daily News-Miner
You'd Be Pessimistic Too if You Weren't Affluent Despite Being a Millionaire: "Survey: Millionaires More Pessimistic on Economy Than the Affluent" ---Atlanta Business Chronicle
The Obesity Epidemic Spreads: "Americans Are Heaviest Bidders on Impressionist and Modern Art at Sotheby's" ---The New York Times
News You Can Use: "Drive-Bys Are Bad in the City or Countryside" ---Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

Perilous Pauline's Pernicious Puns.............................
A woman visiting France drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast. She swore never to get plastered in Paris again
A bonus Shaggy Dog story....
When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, he had trouble selling it.  People just didn't trust this "new" way of making light. In order to promote his idea he decided to go around the country installing lights in different towns in order to drum up publicity. While in Oklahoma, Edison stopped by an Indian reservation and offered to put lights in any building they wanted. After much thought the Indian chief decided that he wanted lights in his outhouse, so he could see what he was doing at night. This made him the first man to wire a head for a reservation!
And a "quicky" or two....
Slip Cover: A maternity dress
Books you must read.......................
Mated With A Clown; 1884  
Our Lady of the Potatoes; 1995  
The Joy of the Upright Man; 1619  
My Invisible Friend Explains the Bible; 1971  
Follow Your Broken Nose; 1950  
The Great Pantyhose Crafts Book; 1982  

That is it for this week from your embedded reporter, stuck between the Lisbon Beltway and Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where fellow inhabitants have not figured out that the oil companies that buy, refine and deliver gasoline make less than 3% profit per gallon.  The federal, state and local governments who contribute NOTHING but our deteriorating roads take over 20%.  Most of the rest goes to the country producing the oil - and our Democratic "friends" will not let us drill in OUR OWN COUNTRY!
But, on the other hand...............
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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