May 16, 2008
Pushing back the frontiers of
After the coldest April in 11 years,
John McCain offers a 'market friendly' approach to global warming---saying
we 'have a genius for adapting, solving problems.' But shouldn't the
problems be real?
I'm no pundit, but it occurred to me
that Hillary Clinton has one thing in common with President Bush. Neither
of them has an exit strategy
The top blockbuster in a long time is
"Iron Man." This is the most money a mechanical man has made with a movie
since Al Gore released "Inconvenient Truth." And they both contain an
equal amount of "truth!"
Meticulous Mary's Moronic Mutterings.....................
The only imaginative fiction being written today is income tax returns
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
In California, there's a 6-month waiting period for filing for divorce, but
only a 15-day waiting period for buying a handgun. It's nice to know the
government is giving us advice on how to work out our problems.
A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of
To judge from the covers of countless women's magazines, the two topics most
interesting to women are:
(1) Why men are all disgusting pigs and
(2) How to attract men."
Serendipitous Sarah's Superior
May is National Salsa Month
This is National Dog Bite Week [Bite
May 18 is . . Neighbor Day [So, bite
your neighbor if you don't have a dog]
May 18 is . . Visit Your Relatives Day [Unless they have a restraining
May 19 is . . Frog Jumping Jubilee Day [I always look forward to this
May 20 is . . Eliza Doolittle Day
May 21 is . . I Need A Patch For That Day
May 21 is . . Turn Beauty Inside Out Day [Only if you have beautiful
May 21 is . . National Memo Day
May 22 is . .Buy-A-Musical-Instrument Day [Does a kazoo count?]
May 23 is . . Morning Radio Wise Guy Day
May 23 is . . World Turtle Day:
May 23 is . . Penny Day
May 24 is . . National Escargot Day [Watch that S-car go - around the
May 24 is . . International Jazz Day
He had a photographic memory which was
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britche
s will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center
you've seen a mall.
Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines.............................
HOT HOT HOT: "Taser Shock Triggers Fire in Man's Pants" -- Hamilton (Ont.,
Canada) Spectator headline
Back to the Future: "I-5 Express Lanes to Be Closed Earlier Today"
We Blame Global Warming: "Planet Lands in Fargo After Fire in Restroom"
---Associated Press ++ "Fire Destroys Home in North Pole" ---Fairbanks
(Alaska) Daily News-Miner
You'd Be Pessimistic Too if You Weren't Affluent Despite Being a
Millionaire: "Survey: Millionaires More Pessimistic on Economy Than the
Affluent" ---Atlanta Business Chronicle
The Obesity Epidemic Spreads: "Americans Are Heaviest Bidders on
Impressionist and Modern Art at Sotheby's" ---The New York Times
News You Can Use: "Drive-Bys Are Bad in the City or Countryside"
---Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
Perilous Pauline's Pernicious Puns.............................
A woman visiting France drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended
up in a body cast. She swore never to get plastered in Paris again
A bonus Shaggy Dog story....
When Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, he had trouble selling it.
People just didn't trust this "new" way of making light. In order to promote
his idea he decided to go around the country installing lights in different
towns in order to drum up publicity. While in Oklahoma, Edison stopped by an
Indian reservation and offered to put lights in any building they wanted.
After much thought the Indian chief decided that he wanted lights in his
outhouse, so he could see what he was doing at night. This made him the
first man to wire a head for a reservation!
And a "quicky" or two....
Slip Cover: A maternity dress
Books you must read.......................
Mated With A Clown; 1884
Our Lady of the Potatoes; 1995
The Joy of the Upright Man; 1619
My Invisible Friend Explains the Bible; 1971
Follow Your Broken Nose; 1950
The Great Pantyhose Crafts Book; 1982
That is it for this week from your embedded reporter, stuck between
the Lisbon Beltway and Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples
Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where fellow inhabitants have not figured
out that the oil companies that buy, refine and deliver gasoline make less
than 3% profit per gallon. The federal, state and local governments
who contribute NOTHING but our deteriorating roads
take over 20%. Most of the rest goes to the country producing the
oil - and our Democratic "friends" will not let us drill in OUR OWN COUNTRY!
But, on the other hand...............
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.