May 23, 2008

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance...............

 
A young John Kerry! Obama told a Portland crowd over the weekend that Iran doesn't "pose a serious threat to us" -- cluelessly arguing that "tiny countries" with small defense budgets can't do us harm -- and then promptly flip-flopped the next day, claiming, "I've made it clear for years that the threat from Iran is grave."
 
"We can't drive our SUVs and eat as much as we want and keep our homes on 72 degrees at all times... and then just expect that other countries are going to say OK." ---Barack Obama  thinks we should all be good little communists!
 
Most of the great problems we face are caused by politicians creating solutions to problems they created in the first place." ---Walter Williams

Meticulous Mary's Marvelous Mutterings.........................
 
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
 
The shortest distance between two points... is usually under construction.
 
The union workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding to make less money!

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?  "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
 
You should not weigh more than your refrigerator.

Serendipitous Sarah's Silly Sayings.........................
 
May is More Than Just A Pretty Face Month
 
May 25 is . . National Tap Dance Day

May 26 is . . Grey Day


May 27 is . . Body Painting Arts Festival

May 27 is . . Great American Grump Out Day

May 28 is . . National Hamburger Day

May 28 is . . Slugs Return to Capistrano Day

May 29 is . . Hug Your Cat Day

May 29 is . . End Of The Middle Ages Day  

May 30 is . . My Bucket's Got A Hole In It Day  

May 30 is . . Loomis Day

May 31 is . . National Macaroon Day
Sleazy Suzi's Stupendous Stipulations......................
 
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
 
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
 
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
 
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines.........................
 
UNANSWERED PRAYERS: "Pray-In at San Francisco Gas Station Asks God to Lower Prices" -- San Francisco (Calif.) Chronicle headline
 
We Blame Global Warming: "ICE Halts Trading for Three Hours" ---Financial News Online
 
A Whole New Kind of Politics!: "Obama Warns Seniors on Social Security" ---Associated Press
 
They're Losing Too Many Patients to the Mayo Clinic: "Sandwich Rehab Hospital Cuts Jobs" ---Cape Cod Times (Hyannis, MA)
 
News for Pessimists: "School Half Empty Despite Arrests in Bomb Threat" ---Naperville (IL) Sun
 
"Avoid Traffic: Take a Helicopter to the Hamptons" ---New York Sun   
 
"Price of Cocaine Much Lower Than in '80s" ---San Diego Union-Tribune 
Laconic Larry's Leavings...........................
 
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.
 
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
 
If you donít want your husband to be a male chauvinist pig, then, do what youíre told.
Frantic Freddie's Freaky Factoids...................
 
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
 
More people are killed each year by coconuts than sharks. Approximately 150 people are killed each year by coconuts.
 
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
 
Fleas have the distinction of killing more people than all the wars man has ever fought.
Beverley's Actual Books You Should Read...................
 
Pernicious Pork; or, Astounding Revelations of the Evil  Effects of Eating Swine Flesh; 1903  
 
Thirty-six Reasons for Believing in Everlasting Punishment;  1887  
 
1587. A Year of No Importance; n.p.  
 
Life and Laughter 'midst the Cannibals; 1926  

Dotty Darla's "Did You Know's"..........................
 
Did you know that the Live Earth concert to "save the planet" released more Co2 into the atmosphere than every SUV in America?

Perhaps you wanted a pun, or two........................

Mr. Combs had a furniture store specializing in ornate antiques in the baroque style. He had walking pneumonia last month but was at the store anyway. He was in one of the baroque style chairs rubbing Vicks Vaporub on his aching chest when he serendipitously discovered that the soothing ointment gave the furniture a wonderful, deep, rich shine. He immediately told the other furniture store owners since their furniture was more modern in style and they were not competitors. Soon he got reports that the Vicks treatment not only failed to work on the modern furniture, but ruined some of it. Mr. Combs is very unpopular now, and his only consolation is that he learned one important rule: If it's not baroque, don't Vicks it.
 
An argument over puppy selection is a pique of the litter.
Well, that's it for this week from your embedded reporter, hiding between the Lisbon Beltway and the Absurdia, the principal city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.

But, on the other hand.............................
 
Nothing lowers the level of conversation more than raising the voice.
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