June 13, 2008

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance...............

 
Unemployment just JUMPED up!  Why?  The minimum wage increase passed by our Democratic congress just went into effect!  Coincidence?  I think NOT!
 
If Obama selects Hillary for veep, his next appointment had better be a food taster.  A Google search for dead Clinton friends in Arkansas will turn up many that "committed suicide in the woods by shooting themselves in the BACK of the head.  And then there is Vince Foster...
Marvelous Mary's Mutterings..................
 
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
 
My doctor says that I'm not breathing right.  This, after nearly 540,000 hours of practice.
 
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
 
Most people are unwilling to sell their souls; but they usually aren't opposed to renting them out for an hour or  two. 
 
In English, a double negative forms a positive. There is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."   A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right"
Saporific Sarah's Superior Stutterings..................
 
June is National Ice Tea Month
 
June 15 is . . . . Smile Power Day
 
June 16 is . . . . National Hollerin' Contest Day    [Can I suggest a candidate or two?]
 
June 17 is . . . . Eat Your Vegetables Day
 
June 17 is . . . . World Juggler's Day     [The accountants holiday?]
 
June 18 is . . . . International Panic Day
 
June 18 is . . . . Go Fishing Day
 
June 18 is . . . . National Splurge Day
 
June 19 is . . . . World Sauntering Day    [So, saunter away!]
 
June 20 is . . . . Ice Cream Soda Day
 
June 21 is . . . . Cuckoo Warning Day
 
June 21 is . . . . Go Skate Day
Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines...............
 
TEN WORDS CAN BE MORE POWERFUL THAN A PHOTO: "It's Hell down Here, and the Devil Has a Microphone" -- Sydney (Australia) Morning Herald headline
 
Good News Is Always a Surprise: "Weekly Jobless Claims Unexpectedly Fall" ---Reuters   "Productivity Rose at a Pace That Exceeded Expectations" ---The New York Times     "Retailers Post Surprising Sales" ---The New York Times
 
Better Late Than Never: "Abstinence Backers Targeting Parents" ---Contra Costa (CA) Times
 
Stay Away From Obama Creeps: "Obama Creeps Past McCain in Opinion Poll" ---Agence France-Presse
 
News You Can Use: "Life After Hillary: Moving On After Your Candidate Loses" ---FoxNews.com
 
Dutch Man Injures Posterior in Mooning Accident" ---Associated Press
 
News You Can Use: "Just the Cricket: Eating Insects Is Good for Us and the Environment, Scientists Claim" ---Evening Standard (London) 
Saucy Suzi's Scurrilous Scatters.......................
 
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
 
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
 
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
 
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
 
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
Lurking Larry's Leavings.......................
 
Single women complain that all good men are married, All married women complain about their lousy husbands.  Conclusion: There is no such thing as a good man.
 
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night"
That's about it from your embedded reporter, lurking near Absurdia, the principal city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where the murder rate usually exceeds the high school graduation rate...................

But, on the other hand..................
 
Be ye fishers of men.  You catch them - God'll clean them.

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