June 20, 2008

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance...................

 
When the Democrats took over Congress, gasoline was $2.50 a gallon.  It is now over $4.00.  I think we should refer to the difference as the Pelosi Premium!
 
Second Amendment Security for Leftists: "If [Republicans] bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun." ---Barack Obama, who also thinks guns never made anyone safer
 
 
"Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not." ~ Thomas Jefferson~

Meticulous Mary's Marvelous Mutterings................
 
Computers let you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of guns and tequila.  
 
Heart Attacks ...  God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
 
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
 
If they cloned Cher - would she then be known as Cher and Cher alike
 
A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love.  Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?"
Superficial Sarah's Sensational Stutterings..........

 
June is National Ice Tea Month
 
June 22 is . . . . National Chocolate Éclair Day    [A day I can get behind!]
 
June 23 is . . . . Take Your Dog to Work Day
 
June 23 is . . . . Swim a Lap Day    
 
June 24 is . . . . Museum Comes To Life Day
 
June 25 is . . . . Log Cabin Day    [Time to move]
 
June 25 is . . . . National Catfish Day
 
June 26 is . . . . Beautician's Day
 
June 26 is . . . . Forgiveness Day     [forgive me for mentioning that it is also my birthday]
 
June 26 is . . . . National Chocolate Pudding Day    [Another important day]
 
June 27 is . . . . National Columnists Day
 
June 27 is . . . . Sun Glasses Day
 
June 28 is . . . . Paul Bunyan Day

Hilarious Hilda's Happy Headlines....................
 
FOLLOW YOUR NOSE: "Scientists Isolate Animal Fart Gene" -- Southland Times (Invercargill, New Zealand) headline
 
Too Bad You Can't Take It With You: "Refunds Due for Euthanization" ---Jackson (MI) Citizen Patriot
 
To Quote Harry Reid, 'This War Is Lost': "Barbara Boxer, Zoe Lofgren Battle 'Brain Drain"' ---Contra Costa (CA) Times Web site
 
News You Can Use:   "Don't Listen to the Liberals---Right-Wingers Really Are Nicer People, Latest Research Shows" ---Daily Mail (London)
 
"Amish Buggies No Match for Cars in Collisions" ---Scripps News
 
"Peacock Dies After Being Hit by Train" ---United News of India

Saucy Suzi's Serendipitous Sensations...........
 
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
 
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
 
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
 
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
 
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
Poor Paula's Perilous Puns...................
 
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.  
 
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.  
 
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"  
 
"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."  
 
And a short bonus........................
 
Beautiful legs are sometimes without equal but bow-legs are always without parallel.

Did you ever wonder........................
 
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
 
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV
 
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
 
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. 
 
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Actual Published Books............................
 
The Madam as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution
 
America's Neighborhood bats: Understanding and Learning to Live in Harmony with Them
 
The 120 year diet
 
Detecting Fake Nazi Regalia
 
The Potatoes of Bolivia: Their Breeding, Value and Evolutionary Relationships
That's enough from your embedded reporter, deep in the heart of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where our kids in the city schools only have a graduation rate of 10% but my home-schooled 9 year old grandson Ethan has been accepted into the Johns Hopkins University talented children program.

But, on the other hand....................
 
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless

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