July 11, 2008

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance...................

 
So this is how our civilization ends.  The most senior judge in England has declared that Islamic legal principles in Sharia law may be used within Muslim communities in Britain to settle marital arguments and regulate finance.  And so the English who gave us the Magna Carta in 1215, William Blackstone and the foundation of American law are slowly succumbing to the dictates of intolerant Islam and sowing seeds of their own destruction.

Marvelous Mary's Meticulous Mutterings.............
 
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
 
My doctor said I was paranoid... well, he didn't actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.  
 
Good rule of thumb for gauging the success of a bachelor party: If the wedding is still on afterwards, it could have been better.
 
If Mother's Day brings out flower-sellers on every corner, why is no one on the curb on Father's Day, selling beer and power tools?
 
On a bad day, I have mood swings -- but on a good day, I have the whole mood playground.

Sappy Sarah's Stentorius Stutterings..................
 
July is Cell Phone Courtesy Month    [and do we need that!]
 
This is National Farriers Week    [celebrate!]
 
July 13 is . . . . .Blame Someone Else Day    [got a brother or sister?]
July 13 is . . . . .Barbershop Music Appreciation Day

July 13 is . . . . .Embrace Your Geekness Day

July 13 is . . . . .National Juggling Day

July 13 is . . . . .Kitchen Klutzes Of America Day
 
July 13 is . . . . .Gruntled Workers Day    [but not at the post office]

July 13 is . . . . .Sux2BeU2day

July 13 is . . . . .International Skeptics Day

July 13 is . . . . .Fool's Paradise Day

July 14 is . . . . .National Nude Day

July 14 is . . . . .International Town Criers Day    [so cry away]

July 15 is . . . . .National Tapioca Pudding Day

July 15 is . . . . .Cow Appreciation Day

July 15 is . . . . .Respect Canada Day    [And a tip of the hat to you Nick]

July 16 is . . . . .International Juggling Day    [for you bookkeepers]

July 17 is . . . . .Stewarts Root Beer Day

July 17 is . . . . .National Peach Ice Cream Day

July 17 is . . . . .Yellow Pig Day

July 18 is . . . . .National Ice Cream Day    [Oh Yeah!]

July 18 is . . . . .National Caviar Day

July 18 is . . . . .National Splurge Day

July 18 is . . . . .International Panic Day  [Did you hear?]

July 19 is . . . . . Flitch Day

July 19 is . . . . . World Sauntering Day

July 19 is . . . . . Shark Awareness Day    [lets go swimming!]

July 19 is . . . . . National Raspberry Cake Day
Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines................
 
DON'T TELL ME ANYONE WAS SURPRISED? "Man Borrows Car to Buy Crack, Steals Car" -- Myrtle Beach (S.C.) Sun News headline
 
Dude, USA Is No. 1!: "Report: U.S. Has Highest Rates of Cocaine, Marijuana Use" ---USA Today Web site
 
Breaking News From 2003: "Canadians Oppose Iraq War: Poll" ---Globe and Mail (Toronto)
 
Absolute proof everything is out of control!!!!
 
"Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control" ---Associated Press, June 21 
"Fuel Costs May Force Some Kids to Walk" ---The Washington Post 
"Pets Are Suffering Too in Downward Economy" ---State (Columbia, SC) 
"Plasma, LCDs Blamed for Accelerating Global Warming" ---ABC News Web site (Australia) 
"Australian Researchers Warn of Global Cooling" ---DailyTech.com 
"Earth Begins to Kill People for Changing Its Climate" ---Pravda 
"Scientists Warn U.S. Is Unprepared if Asteroid Strikes" ---Seattle Times
"35,310 Lego Star Wars Clone Trooper Army Invades Earth" ---Gizmodo.com 
"Many Dutch Prepare for 2012 Apocalypse" ---United Press International 
"Report: The End of the Internet Is Near" ---FoxNews.com 
"French Man With Two Asses Surprises Swedish Officials" ---Local (Stockholm)
More Actual Book Titles....................
 
Teach Yourself Sex; 1951  
 
Teach Yourself Alcoholism; 1975  
 
How To Become a Schizophrenic; 1992  
 
How To Avoid Huge Ships; 1993  
 
How To Abandon Ship; 1942  

Pitiful Paul's Perilous Puns.......................
 
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating.  
 
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded,we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.
 
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
 
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
 
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
 
And a bonus round....
 
I have a friend who made billions of dollars writing and selling Cliff Notes. One day I asked him where he got the idea and he said, "Well, to make a long story short...."

That's it for this week from your embedded reporter just outside the Woodbine Beltway, a stones throw from America's fastest shrinking city - Absurdia, nestled in the great state of Absurdistan where taxes are high as an elephant's eye (instead of the corn) due to the cornpone legislature.

But, on the other hand.....................
 
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

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