August 1, 2008

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance................................

 
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton met this month in Unity, New Hampshire, to campaign together and to show their unity, thatís why they went to Unity, New Hampshire.  Bill Clinton could not be thereóhe was in Intercourse, Pennsylvania. ...  Only in America could a woman who married a man from Hope go to a town called Unity and fake something called Sincerity.

Mercurial Mary's Marvelous Mutterings...........................
 
Today is the first day of the rest of what you're optimistically calling a life
 
If you hate the French and use French Dressing on your  
salad, does that make you a hypocrite?
 
For me, failure is not an option.  It comes standard with everything I do.
 
Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
 
They say a smile is a gift, which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.  But giving the finger is free too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
Serious Sarah's Serendipitous Sayings.........................
 
August is . . . . National Catfish Month
 
This is Psychic Week
 
This is also Elvis Week
 
August 1 is...National Raspberry Cream Pie Day  
 
August 1 is...Braham Pie Day
 
August 1 is...Hug A Senior Days    [I'm a senior type person]
 
August 1 is...Rounds Resounding Day
 
August 1 is...Friendship Day
 
August 2 is...National Ice Cream Sandwich Day    [Who could argue with that!]
 
August 2 is...National Mustard Day
 
August 3 is...National Watermelon Day  
 
August 6 is...Wiggle Your Toes Day  
 
August 7 is...Sea Serpent Day  
 
August 8 is...Sneak Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night  
 
August 8 is...Admit You're Happy Day
 
August 8 is...Kool-Aid Day
 
August 8 is...Work Like A Dog Day
 
August 9 is...National Garage Sale Day    [It's time to sell the garage!]
 
August 9 is...National Polka Festival Day
 
August 9 is...The Revolving Door Day
 
August 9 is...Veep Day

Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines...........................
 
THIN MINTS: $4; BROWNIES: $40: "Pot Grown on Girl Scout Land" - Fort    Wayne (Ind.) Journal Gazette headline
 
Be Careful What You Wish For: "Texas Oilman: Clear Path for Wind Power" -Associated Press 
Hurricane Dolly Slams South Texas Before Weakening" -Associated Press
 
We Blame Global Warming: "While Sun Shines on Obama, Storm Trips Up McCain" -Boston Globe 
"Maine Governor Fears Cold Winter" -Boston Globe
 
Help Wanted: "Authorities Seek Indicted Polygamist Sect Members" -Associated Press
 
Everything Is Spinning Out of Control:
"Dwarf Pops Out of Suitcase at Airport Counter" -Atlanta Journal-Constitution 
"Flesh-Eating Slug Invades Wales" -ScienceBlogs.com 
"Global Warming Could Be Causing a Kitten Boom, Experts Say" -InfoZine.com 
"Angry Man Shoots Lawn Mower for Not Starting" -Associated Press 
"New Jersey Man Killed by Flying Cocktail Glass" -Associated Press
 
News You Can Use: "A Place to Take That Lamborghini for a Spin" ---Reuters
 
Redundancy at Work: "Star Explodes and No One Notices" ---FoxNews.com
Lucky Larry's Luxurious Leavings...................................
 
Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on you!
 
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
 
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
 
Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
 
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Delicious Darlene's Driving Directions.........
 
#1. If you're in the left lane, and everybody's passing you on the right, that means you need to get out of the left lane, genius.
 
If you stop to talk in the store, get your fat butt out of the middle of the aisle.  If you don't, and someone politely says, "Excuse me" to get through, you have no right to look at them like they just spit in your coffee.
 
Walk on the right side of the aisle.  Works like a charm, just like they taught you in kindergarten.
 
If you're stuck in a line of cars behind someone who needs to read rule number one above, but you're not the poor slob right behind the jerk, tailgating, flashing your high-beams, hitting the horn or giving the finger will not help.  The poor slob that's in front of you can't go any faster than the jerk in front of him.  Chill the heck out.
Thoughts for this week......................
 
Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
 
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
 
Some people are like Slinkies......not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
That's "enuff" for this week from your embedded reporter, lurking in the shadows near the Woodbine Beltway, a rifle shot from Absurdia, the significant city in The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where our children can't read but can vote anyway...........

But, on the other hand........................................
 
Nothing lowers the level of conversation more than raising the voice.
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