08/08/08

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance..........................

 
Barack Obama wrote a prayer to God which he placed in Jerusalem's Wailing Wall. The prayer note was retrieved by a seminary student and published in an Israeli newspaper. Everybody in Israel wanted to know if it was addressed, 'Dear Dad'
 
Federal government employees who opted out of Social Security and have their money invested in the Thrift Savings Plan [TSP], which allows money to be invested in the stock market,” Rice says. “Under TSP, federal employees receive $4,500 per month, compared to $1,300 per month for Social Security.”
 
Why has no one in the media made any mention of John Edwards affair with an aide and the resulting child. Talk about two worlds..........

Meticulous Mary's Melodic Mutterings..........................
 
I searched for the bluebird of happiness, but all I found was the chicken of despair."  
 
On the sixth day, God created the platypus.  And God said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."
 
Q.  Why are New Yorkers so depressed?  A. The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
 
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
 
Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia filed for divorce. And because New York is a community property state, Cynthia could end up with 268 career home runs

Solicitous Sarah's Salacious Sayings.......................
 
August is . . . . National Catfish Month
 
This is Don't Wait! Celebrate! Week
 
This is also Weird Contest Week
 
August 10 is...Lazy Day 
 
August 10 is...National Underwear Day
 
August 10 is...National Duran Duran Appreciation Day
 
August 11 is...Spoil Your Dog Day
 
August 12 is...Middle Child's Day
 
August 13 is...Blame Someone Else Day     [Blame the middle child?]
 
August 14 is...National Creamsicle Day
 
August 15 is...National Relaxation Day
 
August 15 is...National Failures Day       The reason you failed is that you also relaxed]
 
August 15 is...National Relaxation Day
 
August 16 is...Bratwurst Festival
 
August 16 is...Joe Miller's Joke Day
 
August 16 is...Vinegar Day
 

Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines..............................
 
IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD...: "Fire Destroys Truck Full of Extinguishers" -Lancaster (Penn.) Intelligencer Journal headline
 
Breaking News From 2009: "President Obama Continues Hectic Victory Tour" -The Washington Post
Why President Obama's Likely to Have a Tough Four Years" -NJ.com
 
Finding Happiness in Unexpected Places: "Ecstasy Reported in Spare Tire on Ambassador Bridge" -Detroit Free Press
 
And the Clerks Are Stuck Cleaning It Up: "Whole Foods Case Overturned by Appeals Court" -Austin American - Statesman Web site
 
We Hope the Bear Was Wearing a Helmet: "Man Hits Bear on Motorcycle" - Associated Press
 
Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control:
"Wind Blows Semitrailer Into Ditch, Killing Turkeys" Plainsman (Huron, SD) 
"Earthquake Forces Judge Judy Into Recess" -Broadcasting & Cable
 
News You Can Use: "Don't Streak, Get Drunk or Sleep Outside" -Reuters 
"Enjoy Beer---and Life Will Be Good" - UA.com
 
Bottom Story of the Day: "Rosie O'Donnell Is Taking a Break From Blogging" -GaySocialites.com
Perilous Paul's Pernicious Puns.......................
 
During the Revolutionary War, there was a small encampment of patriots in the woods. They went to bed one night with a bunch of chickens they were saving for a special meal in a nearby coop. That night, some British soldiers came stumbling through the woods and frightened the chickens. Their screams and clucks woke the Patriots and they were able to defeat and capture the entire group of Redcoats. A few nights later, the cook prepared the chickens for dinner. One of the soldiers said, "This is a really good dish. What do you call it?" "Chicken Catch a Tory.
 
Nudity: What a sailor may sing when he grows weary of his old ditties. 

She was only a chimney sweep's daughter, but she soots me fine.
 
What is the definition of "Endless Love"?  Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
 
When a girl finds she isn't the only pebble on the beach, she usually becomes a little boulder.

Lucky Larry's Leavings............................
 
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
 
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
 
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
 
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
 
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

That's it for this week from your embedded reporter here in The People's Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where the child-like Governor's favorite judge (who has had every major decision overturned by the higher courts) has been elevated to those very courts!

But, on the other hand.......................
 
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

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