Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance..................
 
Last Friday morning I called for the drive by media to cover that Democrat Sleaze Ball John Edwards story.  They still haven't but Edwards outed himself in an attempt to kill the story Friday afternoon but is still lying and has not acknowledged paternity.   And it is now coming out that donations to his campaign were used to pay off his "honey" with the full knowledge of his campaign leaders.  Old "two Americas" Edwards and his handlers should all be in prison!
 
Senator Obama has me convinced. I have freed all my slaves, and will pay each one of them $1,000,000 in reparations. I will use the rest of my money to buy a tire gauge and inflate my tires at the local convenience store and to buy a tank of gas.  Why can't the rest of you acknowledge this wonderful savior and embrace the "second coming" like I have?
Mercurial Mary's Marvelous Mutterings...................
 
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.  The librarian says, "Get out, you won't bring it back."
 
I went into the bank and asked a teller to check my balance - She pushed me!
 
I was going to write a song about the benefits of beer but I could never get past the first three bars
 
A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!
 
We waste time, so you don't have to.

Serious Sarah's Selected Stipulations..........
 
August is National Get Acquainted with Kiwi Fruit Month
 
This is National Resurrect Romance Week
 
But, it is also Weird Contest Week, so..
 
August 17 is...National Thriftshop Day
 
August 18 is...Bad Poetry Day      [have you heard any good poetry lately?]
 
August 18 is...Petz Day
 
August 18 is...Stay Home With Your Kids Day
 
August 19 is...Aviation Day
 
August 19 is...Potato Day
 
August 20 is...National Radio Day
 
August 20 is...National Forgiveness Day    [Now you can forgive me!]
 
August 21 is...Poets Day
 
August 21 is...Be An Angel Day
 
August 21 is...National Spumoni Day
 
August 22 is...Makah Days
 
August 23 is...National Spongecake Day

Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines.......
 
JOB SECURITY: "Fire Ignited By - Smoke Detector"   Hackensack (N.J.) Record headline
 
IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD...: "Fire Destroys Truck Full of Extinguishers" - Lancaster (Penn.) Intelligencer Journal headline
 
Does This Mean There Won't Be a No. 2 on the Ticket?: "With DNC in Mind, City Bans Carrying Urine, Feces" ---Rocky Mountain News (Denver)
 
News of the Tautological: "Liberals Spending Unwisely" ---Salon.com
 
The Secret of Immortality: "Iranians Suspend Death by Stoning" ---BBC Web site
 
Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy Suspected: "Clinton Apartment House Destroyed by Fire" -Pantagraph (Bloomington, IL)
 
Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control:
"Goats Slip Past Security Fences at NYC Bridge" -Associated Press
"All U.S. Adults Could Be Overweight in 40 Years" -Reuters
"Countless Caterpillars Invade New Mexico Town" -FoxNews.com
 
News You Can Use: "Fishing in Peru? Take a Long Line, but No Dynamite" -Reuters
Puny Pauline's Pernicious Puns.....................
 
Two women are commiserating about their inability to lose weight.   "No matter how much I exercise, I'm still an apple shape."  "And the flab on my thighs seems to have moved in to stay, even though I work out every day."    "It's true. The lard works in mysterious ways."
 
I Wrecked My Heart with Spam & Crisco
 
And a bonus round, just for Bill............
 
"Every time a bell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner."  "That's  perfectly normal; he's a boxer
 
It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.

Lucky Larry's Driving Rules...............
 
Hang up and drive.
 
Four-wheel drive means you can probably get going when it's snowing. It does not allow you cause problems for people who don't have four wheel drive.
 
If you're someone who can't buy a clue and still has to drive in the left lane all the time because you're afraid to change lanes, stay home or ride the bus.
 
The next time you cut a corner, rather than turning into your own lane, realize that if you're in an accident, it will be your fault.  More importantly, if you hit someone and you're not injured in the accident, don't be surprised if they beat the crap out of you for being stupid.
 
If it's raining, or snowing, or foggy, or dark, turn your headlights on, and use the low beams.  High beams just reflect the fog, blind the other drivers, and prove to the world that you're a stupid jerk.

More Actually Published Books................
 
How To Do It; or, Directions for Knowing or Doing Everything Needful; 1864  
 
Fish Who Answer the Telephone (1937)
 
The Art of Faking Exhibition Poultry (1934)
 
The Joy of Chickens (1981)
 
What to Say When You Talk to Yourself By Shad Helmstetter  
What's a Metaphor?........................
 
A place to raise sheep
 
He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.  
 
He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.  
 
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.  
That's enough from your embedded reporter here in the heartland of Absurdistan where our childlike governor, Martin O'Malley is being considered for the position of Energy Tsar for Obama - the very man who lied to the entire state about stopping the increase in energy costs.  I think that Obama should make this post a committee of Martin O'Malley D-MD, Grey Davis D-CA and Paris Glendening D-MD - three losers that don't have a clue ..............

But, On The Other Hand.........
 
Become a possibilitarian. No matter how dark things seem to be or actually are, raise your sights and see possibilities. Always see them, for they're always there.

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