August 22, 2008

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance...........

 
Since Congress went on recess, oil prices have dropped to $118 a barrel. That's, like, a $30 drop from the record high. You know, maybe Congress should take more vacations, huh? You ever notice, whenever these people leave town, things just seem to get better!
 
Remember all the "stuff" about the Kyoto Treaty and how if we would just sign it and lower our level of civilization to that of a  Islamic Republic that all would be "peachy?"  Liberals called us all names and accused us of being "ignorant?"  Did you know that China was intentually given a pass on instituting the treaty?   Ask anyone who has been to China for the Olympics who is really the main polluter of our planet.  And that is after they practically shut down all their manufacturing and auto use for the 14 days of the Olympics.   Maybe Obama could sent them a bunch of tire gauges.

Meticulous Mary's Merry Meanderings........................
 
My last wife was one of them women's libbers.  She got mad 'cause I opened the car door for her.  Of course, we were going 75 mph when I did it."
 
Be alert...the world needs more lerts
 
A word to the wise isnít necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice
 
There are no stupid questions. Just stupid people.
 
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?    A: A feminist who won't do what she's told!
Silly Sarah's Sadistic Stipulations.....................
 
This is National Fruit Month
 
This is Be Kind To Humankind Week    [And that means me!]
 
August 24 is...Knife Day
 
August 25 is...Kiss-And-Make-Up Day  
 
August 26 is...National Cherry Popsicle Day    [Enjoy!]
 
August 27 is..."The Duchess" Who Wasn't Day
 
August 27 is...Petroleum Day
 
August 28 is...World Sauntering Day  [Are you sauntering enough?]
 
August 28 is...Emancipation Dream Day    Free your dreams?]
 
August 28 is...Race Your Mouse Around The Icons Day
 
August 29 is...More Herbs, Less Salt Day
 
August 29 is...Banana Split Day invented- Latrobe PA 1904
 
August 30 is...National Toasted Marshmallow Day 

Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines.......................
 
"The Soft Bigotry of Low Expectations": "Cindy Sheehan Qualifies to Run for Pelosi's Seat" -Associated Press
 
Help Wanted: "Police Seek Elderly Man Who Speaks No English" -Atlanta Journal-Constitution
 
Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control:
"Hunters Claim to Have Found Bigfoot, Internet Goes Nuts" -CNet.com
"Pet Monkey Finds Escape Route, Runs Free in Indiana Neighborhood" -Star Press (Muncie, IN)
"Cinderella, Snow White, Tinkerbell Arrested at Disneyland" ---NewsMax.com
 
News You Can Use: "For Most People, College Is a Waste of Time" ---The Wall
Street Journal
 
"Ralph Nader Greets 150 Supporters in Toronto" - National Post (Canada)
"S.F. Democrats Take a Sharp Turn to the Left" -San Francisco Chronicle

News You Can Use: "Nuclear Explosions Could Be Key to Spotting Fake Paintings" ---CBC.ca
Lucky Larry's Litigious Leavings............
 
Reasons alcohol should be served at work:
 
It's an incentive to show up.

It leads to more honest communications.

It reduces complaints about low pay.

Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

It encourages car pooling.

Actual Published Book Titles................
 
Mated With A Clown; 1884  
 
Our Lady of the Potatoes; 1995  
 
The Joy of the Upright Man; 1619  
 
My Invisible Friend Explains the Bible; 1971  
 
Follow Your Broken Nose; 1950  

YOU are SO ugly that:
 
You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.
 
If ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall Of China.
 
You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.
 
If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.
 
You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.
T-Shirts spotted around Woodbine...........
 
I went t-shirt shopping and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
 
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it!
 
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore!
 
Remember my name. You'll be screaming it later.
 
Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time!
Pretty Pauline's Perilous Puns............
 
A movie fanatic had a pet parakeet. Because the bird was an utter wimp, and the man had a perverse sense of humor, he named the parakeet "Falcon." The man was also a bit of a sadist. He kept the birdcage on the sill of his first-floor-front window, and the local kids all stopped by to make fun of this poor bird. Every day at 3 when school let out, the kids came by and stopped to growl, yell, and otherwise scare the poor thing. One day just before 3 a friend stopped by to the movie fanatic's house and said, "The Cinema Art is showing CASABLANCA.  Wanna go?" "No thanks," he replied. "I'd rather stay home and watch them all tease Falcon
 
Upon removing his boots at Waterloo, Napoleon could smell de feet
 
Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect!
 
Would a Mormon working for the Postal Service be a Letter Day Saint?
 

Lovely Lenora's Lexaphile Listings...................
 
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.  
 
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.  
 
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.  
 
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.  
 
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.  
I'm pushing the edge of civility so that's enough for this week from your embedded reporter hiding in the outskirts of Absurdia, the principle city of The People's Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.

But, on the other hand................
 
A day doesn't come with a reset button
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