September 5, 2008

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance............

Just when all seemed to be lost, the stupid party who elected a conservative Democrat (at best) to run for president, picked what appears to be a real conservative in Sarah Palin.  Could they have backed into a winner?
On the other hand, the evil party picked "Slow Joe" Biden, an admitted plagiarist for whom who you buy a train ticket for over $150 dollars a day so he can go home every night.  Could this be their death knell?

Meticulous Mary's Merry Meanderings...........
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?
I didn't necessarily "like" it; sometimes I clap just because it's over.

Serendipitous Sarah's Serious Stutterings.............
September is... National Bed Check Month  
This is Biscuits and Gravy Week
And, just for Sarah.......... This is also Teacher Appreciation Week
September 7 is...Neither Snow Nor Rain Day
September 8 is...National Nut Bread Day
September 8 is...Pardon Day    [Pardon me!]
September 8 is...International Literacy Day.    [If you can't read this, call me!]
September 8 is...National Boss/Employee Exchange Day
September 9 is...Teddy Bear Day
September 10 is...Wonderful Weirdoes Day    [My kind of day]
September 10 is...Swap Ideas Day
September 10 is...Sew Be It! Day
September 11 is... No News Is Good News Day  
September 12 is...National Personal Chef Day    [What, you don't have one?]
September 12 is...National Chocolate Milkshake Day
September 12 is...Video Games Day
September 13 is...Doodle Soup Days
September 13 is...Defy Superstition Day
September 13 is...Fortune Cookie Day

Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines
"Police: Man Arrested after Chicken Was Found in Pants" - Palm Springs (Calif.) Desert Sun headline
World Ends, Hardest-Hit Hardest Hit: "Gustav Threatens
Those Hardest Hit by Katrina" -Associated Press
We Blame Global Warming: "The High Cost of Low Temperatures" -The New York Times
Then Again, She May Not: "Little-Known Palin May Be Benefit or Bust for McCain's Campaign" -Bloomberg
Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control: "Woman Goes Down Baggage Chute at Swedish Airport"-Agence France-Presse
"Gas Prices Ground Diddy's Private Jet" -Access Hollywood
"North Pole to Remain Frozen" -Rocky Mountain News (Denver)
News You Can Use: "How to Get Thrown Into a Chinese Prison" -CNET News
"Don't Let a Hospital Kill You" 

Pretty Pauline's Particular Puns...................
Our lives are ova before they've begun.
John explains to his doctor, "Doc, when I got up this morning, I put on a pair of white gloves and started calling my wife Minnie. Then on the way to work I couldn't help singing, 'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work I go,' and when I got there I started calling everyone Happy, Grumpy, Dopey and so on. What's the matter with me?" "That's easy," replies the doctor. "You're having Disney spells."
And a bonus round.............
General Mills makes Corn Chex, Rice Chex, etc. If the Post company bought these brands, then I have a new product for them: take some Wheat Chex, add pieces of fresh dates and a little cinnamon and sugar, and voila! New, Post Dated Chex!

T-Shirts Seen around the famous Woodbine Beltway....
Free Tibet* (*With Purchase of another Tibet of equal or greater value.)
Anybody seen my mind? I know it's around here somewhere...
Mile High Club Local Branch President.
They say I have A.D.D. but they just don't under... Hey look! A squirrel!
I got a fever and the prescription is More Cowbell!
Silly Suzi's Stupendous Servings..........
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.  
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.  
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat   stomach.  
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.  
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you  
absent mindedly answer the door in your nightie.  
You are so ugly..................
You're so ugly, you could model for death threats.
You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.
You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.
You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.
You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.

More reasons alcohol should be served at work........
Increased job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

It makes fellow employees look better.

It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
That's it for this week from your embedded reporter hiding out in the Woodbine Sushi and Bait Shoppe, just a pleasant drive from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where the boy Governor is replacing the doctors, who resigned in protest, with his political cronies at the University of Maryland Medical Center

But, on the other hand.............
An error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it.
You may have noticed the increased amount of notices
for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed.
This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the
responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed.
This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and
respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.
(The Department of Notification)

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