It was the best of times, and then some crap happened.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick
that up, you don't know where it's been.
October 19 is . . . . Reptile Awareness Day
October 21 is . . . . Babbling Day
October 22 is . . . . National Nut Day
October 20 is . . . . National Brandied Fruit Day
October 22 is . . . . National Color Day
October 23 is . . . . TV Talk Show Host Day [What? They get their own
October 23 is . . . . National Mole Day
October 24 is . . . . National Bologna Day
October 25 is . . . . Punk For A Day Day
October 25 is . . . . Make A Difference Day [Say something nice!]
October 25 is . . . . Sourest Day
Happy Hilda's Hilarious
A RIGHT NOT RESERVED JUST TO THE PEOPLE:
"Candidates Defend Right to Be Stupid" - Boston (Mass.) Herald headline
Hockey Moms Would Never Do This: "Soccer
Moms Accused of Breaking Into Several Homes" -WKYT-TV Web site
How Thoughtful of Them!: "Cops Sweep
Area for Gang" -Times (Munster, IN)
We Blame Global Warming: "Western
Nebraska Starts Planning for Winter" -Omaha World-Herald
Climate Change Isn't All Bad: "Haggis at
Risk From Global Warming" -Daily Telegraph (London)
Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of
Control: "'Satan' Attacks Police, Bank Employees" -Salt Lake Tribune
News You Can Use: "Avoid Lamborghinis,
Loud Logos Amid Financial Blues: Interview" -Bloomberg
And from the syncopates:
"Sharpton Convicted of Disorderly
"Gore Toasts Obama at Tenn. Fundraiser at His Home" -Associated Press
"New York Times Calls McCain Campaign 'Appalling" - NY Times
Saucy Suzi's Celebrated Sayings..................
Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only
things that are good for you.
Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
Jentleman Jim's Juicy Jerky.................
Adolph Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was
talked out of it by her doctor.
When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed that his small intestine
contained five gold Krugerrands.
When Thomas Edison died in 1941; Henry Ford captured his last dying breath
in a bottle.
In 1845, President Andrew Jackson's pet parrot was removed from his funeral
Ludicrous Larry's Learned Leavings.................
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan
just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real
duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she
were a garbage truck backing up.
Perilous Paul's Pernicious Puns.......................
I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in my tie. "These
four-in-hands with their tiny knots are so unstylish," I complained. He
asked, "Do you know how to do a Windsor knot?" I replied, "It doesn't matter
if you Windsor knot, it's how you play the game!
Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the boys
accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking. Hans ran inside to get
help, yelling "Mom! Dad! Come quick! There's a franc in Stein!"
That's it for this week from your "Community Organizer" and
"Embedded Reporter" lurking in the path of "The Great Leap Forward" of the
leadership of The People's Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.
But, on the other hand...........