October 24, 2008
Pushing back the frontiers of
I was distressed to hear that my friends
in Western Pennsylvania were a bunch of racists! I know it's true
because John Murtha, their congressman said so! This is the same John
Murtha that said that their sons and daughters in the military in Iraq were
routinely raping and murdering innocent civilians on a regular basis.
And if John Murtha is reelected on Nov.
4, it will prove his statements are correct. (Incidentally, none of his
fellow democrats have chastised him for his statements - leaving me to
believe that all of the above are true)
Miraculous Mary's Muted
You know the way a bailout works? Here's
the way a bailout works. A failed president and a failed Congress invest
$700 billion of your money in failed businesses. Believe me, this can't
I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and then it was too late
All men are not homeless, but some men
are home less than others,
I think the worst time to have a heart
attack is during a game of charades
I've never even met Carly Simon, but I'm
so vain, I *do* think that song is about me.
Superfluous Sarah's Stupendous
October is National Dessert Month
This is National Pet Peeve Week [How
is tour pet?]
October 24 is . . . . National Bologna
October 25 is . . . . Punk For A Day
October 25 is . . . . Make A Difference
October 25 is . . . . Sourest Day
October 26 is . . . . Mule Day [Honor
October 26 is . . . . Horseless Carriage
October 27 is . . . . Cranky Co-workers
October 28 is . . . . Plush Animal
October 28 is . . . . National Chocolate Day
October 29 is . . . . Hermit Day
October 30 is . . . . National Candy
October 30 is . . . . Haunted
October 30 is . . . . National Candy
October 31 is . . . . Halloween [A
truly bizarre holiday.]
October 31 is . . . . Bring Your
Jack-O-Lantern To Work Day
October 31 is . . . . Frankenstein
October 31 is . . . . National
Knock-Knock Jokes Day
October 31 is . . . . Increase Your
Pyschic Powers Day [What ever happened to the Psychic Network?]
Happy Hilda's Hilarious Real
SPLIT LEVEL: "Cambodian Couple Saw House
in Half in Divorce" -AP headline
We Blame Global Warming, or Not: "Alaska
Glaciers Grew This Year, Thanks to Colder Weather"-Anchorage Daily News
"Federal Report: Arctic Getting Warmer and Warmer" -FoxNews.com
Finally, Some Good Economic News!: "Baby
Boomer Deaths Could Fuel Funeral Industry" -Associated Press
They're Always in the Last Place You
Look: "Obama, McCain Camps Look for Florida Votes in Israel" -Arizona Daily
They're Trying to Disenfranchise
Aliens!: "GOP to Continue Efforts to Shut Down Satellite Voting Centers"
-Times (Munster, IN)
Help Wanted: "Hunt Under Way in Chicago
for Creepy Clown Who Stalks Children" -FoxNews.com
News You Can Use: "Shortage of Money
Could Cost Us Millions" -Indianapolis Star
Same old, same old: "Albright Says Obama
Is Presidential" ---Las Vegas Sun
Saucy Suzi's Salacious Stutterings....................
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom
at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit
Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an ass.
Particular Paul's Pernicious Puns.......................
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the
trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their
baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons.
"Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No,
thanks," replied the vultures. ... "They're carrion."
I called up Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson and threatened to
kick all of their butts, but they just laughed at me. I guess they realized
it was an idol threat.
Gentleman Gim's Gutty Giving's........................
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill
each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.."
My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm
going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
Bumper Stickers seen around the Woodbine Beltway.....
If You Can't Feed Em, Don't Breed Em!
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
Your "Community Organizer" and "embedded reporter" here in Absurdia, the
principle city in The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan has
noticed that our exalted FBI has been rather slow (dead in the water!) in
taking a hard look at Acorn when anybody else can see U.S. election laws
being broken on a daily basis across this country!
But, on the other hand...............