October 24, 2008

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance...........

I was distressed to hear that my friends in Western Pennsylvania were a bunch of racists!   I know it's true because John Murtha, their congressman said so!   This is the same John Murtha that said that their sons and daughters in the military in Iraq were routinely raping and murdering innocent civilians on a regular basis.
And if John Murtha is reelected on Nov. 4, it will prove his statements are correct.  (Incidentally, none of his fellow democrats have chastised him for his statements - leaving me to believe that all of the above are true)

Miraculous Mary's Muted Mutterings................
You know the way a bailout works? Here's the way a bailout works.  A failed president and a failed Congress invest $700 billion of your money in failed businesses. Believe me, this can't fail.
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others, 
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades
I've never even met Carly Simon, but I'm so vain, I *do* think that song is about me.

Superfluous Sarah's Stupendous Sayings...............
October is National Dessert Month     [Hurray!]
This is National Pet Peeve Week    [How is tour pet?]
October 24 is . . . . National Bologna Day
October 25 is . . . . Punk For A Day Day  
October 25 is . . . . Make A Difference Day

October 25 is . . . . Sourest Day
October 26 is . . . . Mule Day    [Honor your mule!]

October 26 is . . . . Horseless Carriage Day
October 27 is . . . . Cranky Co-workers Day
October 28 is . . . . Plush Animal Lover's Day
October 28 is . . . . National Chocolate Day

October 29 is . . . . Hermit Day

October 30 is . . . . National Candy Corn Day

October 30 is . . . . Haunted Refrigerator Night

October 30 is . . . . National Candy Corn Day  

October 31 is . . . . Halloween    [A truly bizarre holiday.]

October 31 is . . . . Bring Your Jack-O-Lantern To Work Day

October 31 is . . . . Frankenstein Friday

October 31 is . . . . National Knock-Knock Jokes Day

October 31 is . . . . Increase Your Pyschic Powers Day    [What ever happened to the Psychic Network?]

Happy Hilda's Hilarious Real Headlines..................
SPLIT LEVEL: "Cambodian Couple Saw House in Half in Divorce" -AP headline
We Blame Global Warming, or Not: "Alaska Glaciers Grew This Year, Thanks to Colder Weather"-Anchorage Daily News

"Federal Report: Arctic Getting Warmer and Warmer" -FoxNews.com
Finally, Some Good Economic News!: "Baby Boomer Deaths Could Fuel Funeral Industry" -Associated Press
They're Always in the Last Place You Look: "Obama, McCain Camps Look for Florida Votes in Israel" -Arizona Daily Star (Tucson)
They're Trying to Disenfranchise Aliens!: "GOP to Continue Efforts to Shut Down Satellite Voting Centers" -Times (Munster, IN)
Help Wanted: "Hunt Under Way in Chicago for Creepy Clown Who Stalks Children" -FoxNews.com
News You Can Use: "Shortage of Money Could Cost Us Millions" -Indianapolis Star
Same old, same old: "Albright Says Obama Is Presidential" ---Las Vegas Sun

Saucy Suzi's Salacious Stutterings....................
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an ass.

Particular Paul's Pernicious Puns.......................
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane. When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. ... "They're carrion."
I called up Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson and threatened to kick all of their butts, but they just laughed at me. I guess they  realized it was an idol threat.

Gentleman Gim's Gutty Giving's........................
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.."
My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
Bumper Stickers seen around the Woodbine Beltway.....
If You Can't Feed Em, Don't Breed Em!
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.

Your "Community Organizer" and "embedded reporter" here in Absurdia, the principle city in The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan has noticed that our exalted FBI has been rather slow (dead in the water!) in taking a hard look at Acorn when anybody else can see U.S. election laws being broken on a daily basis across this country!

But, on the other hand...............
Never argue with an idiot; because people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

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