February 27, 2009

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance...........

 
Back in 166 A.D. Emperor Hadrian had a complete stone wall and ditch built the whole way across England (about 80 miles) to keep those horrible Scots out.... and did it in 4 years.    In 2005, Congress was supposed to build a 660 mile simple fence at our border with Mexico.  Still not near done and you want them in charge of your medical care?
 
As with the Clintons, Obama so earnestly believes in public school education that he sends his girls to an expensive private school.   He demands that taxpayers support the very public schoolteachers he won't trust with his own children.

Merry Mary's Mirthful Mutterings...............
 
I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.  Got a call center in Pakistan.  I told them I was suicidal.  They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
 
Friends come and go...but enemies accumulate.
 
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
 
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four...unless there are three other people.
 
"Happiness can't buy money"

Serendipitous Sarah's Stringent Stutterings............
 
March is International Mirth Month
 
This is National Pancake Week and
National Procrastination Week   -  so put off those pancakes till next week!
 
March 1 is . . National Pig Day

March 1 is . . Peanut Butter Lover's Day

March 2 is . . Namesake Day

March 2 is . . Old Stuff Day 

March 3 is . . I Want You To Be Happy Day

March 3 is . . What If Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day

March 3 is . . Peach Blossom Day

March 4 is . . Hug a GI Day

March 4 is . . International Pancake Day

March 4 is . . Unique Names Day

March 5 is . . Hemlock Day

March 5 is . . Learn What Your Name Means Day

March 5 is . . Multiple Personalities Day   [So get them together & celebrate!] 

March 6 is . . National Salesperson's Day

March 7 is . . National Crown Roast Of Pork Day

Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines..............
 
TAKES A THRASHING, KEEPS ON CRASHING: "Oldsmar Man Arrested after Crashing into Parked Car, Store, Fence, Then Tree" - St. Petersburg Times headline

Maybe Better Spam Filters Should Be a TARP Precondition: "Nigerian Accused in Scheme to Swindle Citibank" -The New York Times
 
Fortunately, the Stimulus Includes $15 Billion for Chum: "Shark Attacks Drop; Expert Cites Ailing Economy" -MSNBC.com
 
That's Not the Only Thing He Should Have Better Regulated: "Bill Clinton: I Should Have Better Regulated Derivatives" -CNN.com
 
The Terrible Truth About Nazi Germany: "Adolf Hitler Had 'Shocking' Table Manners" -Times (London)
 
Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control: "Experts Warn of 'Terminator'-Style Military-Robot Rebellion" -FoxNews.com
 
Scariest Story of the Day: "Carter Voices Confidence in Obama Stimulus Plan" -Associated Press

Particular Paul's Perilous Puns............
 
The great German actress Brunhilda Von Divagruber had achieved everything she wanted in life but for one honor: She'd never won an Academy Award.
One day she was called by the great director Meyer Schmidtenlager and asked to review a new script he had. An Oscar winner for sure! 
She read the script and immediately accepted it. "Iss my type of script, Meyer, I'd luff to be an Oscar winner, Meyer!"
 
There was a Chinese woman married to a Czech.  I guess that makes her children Chinese Czechers 
 
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

Serious Suzi's Stipulations........................
 
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
 
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Lucky Larry's More Ways To Get A Wife...............
 
Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Gen 2:19-24)
 
Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 
29:15-30)
 
Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife - David (I Samuel 18:27)
 
Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

Gentleman Jim's Generic Pennsylvania Gems.............
 
No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu.  Order steak or you can order the chef's salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
 
When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats (includes fish), vegetables and breads.   We use four spices: salt, pepper,hot sauce and ketchup. Oh yeah.... we don't care what you folks in Jersey call that stuff you eat...it ain't real chili!!!
 
You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice!
 
You bring 'mary jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot and have long hair.
 
College and high school football is as important here as the Eagles and Steelers, and a dang site more fun to watch
 
Yeah, we have golf courses, but don't hit the water hazards----it scares the fish.

That's it for this week from your "unfunded neighborhood organizer" lurking on the edge of Absurdia,  the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where we are expecting more huge fees and taxes to support "change you can believe in" even when everyone knows it won't work - like the Poverty Program.
But, on the other hand...............
 
Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful political opportunity - Obama

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