March 13, 2009

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance.................

 
Remember double-digit unemployment, double-digit interest, double-digit inflation, double-digit increases in gas?  Remember that joke, Jimmy Carter sitting around in a sweater?  Welcome back Carter, i.e. Obama.  It's all coming back!
 
David Ogden, Obama's choice for #2 at the Department of Justice is a world known porn lawyer.  Ain't Obama's choices grand?  How could he improve on Joe Biden?
 
And the "stupid party's" leader, Michael Steele, made another incredibly stupid (Do I see a theme here?) remark about Roe vs. Wade........

Marvelous Mary's Melodic Mutterings...................
 
St. Patrick's Day is less than a week away. Do you know how I know that? I can hear my liver crying.
 
Today is Friday, March 13. But like everything else, I wouldn’t be surprised if those numbers went down.
 
If the no. 2 pencil is so popular, why is it still no. 2?

I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five mile zone, but I told them I had dyslexia....
 
There are 10 types of people in this world: Those who understand binary and those who don't. (And if you understand this - you are a GEEK!)
Succulent Sarah's Seditious Sayings................
 
This is National On-Hold Month
 
And also National Lawnmower Tune-Up Month
 
This is Return The Borrowed Books Week
 
March 15 is . . Brutus Day    [Et tu?]

March 15 is . . Buzzard's Day

March 15 is . . Everything You Think Is Wrong Day

March 15 is . . Maple Syrup Saturday

March 15 is . . National Quilting Day

March 15 is . . Save the Florida Panther Day    [Shoot, stuff & mount?]

March 15 is . . True Confessions Day

March 15 is . . Buzzard's Day

March 16 is . . Lips Appreciation Day

March 16 is . . Everything You Do Is Right Day  

March 17 is . . St Patrick's Day

March 17 is . . Act Happy Day    [Or at least act Irish!]

March 17 is . . Submarine Day    [Eat one or sail one?]

March 18 is . . Supreme Sacrifice Day  

March 18 is . . Awkward Moments Day

March 19 is . . Poultry Day

March 20 is . . Festival Of Extraterrestrial Abductions Day

March 20 is . . National Agriculture Day    [Plant something]

March 20 is . . National Common Courtesy Day    [Is there something common about courtesy?]

March 21 is . . Fragrance Day    [Take a shower]

March 21 is . . Memory Day    [I always forget this one]
And, in honor of St Patrick's Day................
 
Guglielmo Marconi, an Italian, is generally credited with the  invention of radio.   However, scientists from all over the world had to  make contributions before radio could be a reality.    For instance, an American Joseph Henry and an Englishman, Michael Faraday proved that currents in one wire could produce currents in another.   But none of this would have been possible without a means to collect the sounds for transmissions. The common belief is that the microphone was invented by an Irishman. But this is purely a patent mike story. 
 
An Irishman named O'Leary, who loved to sing as he worked, bought a mule to farm his garden. The mule worked well but was almost totally deaf. So, when his owner yelled, "Whoa!", the animal often continued plowing.  Asked how the mule was working out, O'Leary shook his head. "There was a time," he said, "when all the neighbors could hear was me singing my lilting melodies." "Lately, I'm afraid, they've heard nothing but .... my riled Irish whoa's!"
 
Roses are reddish,
Violets are bluish,
A leprecohen told me
St. Patrick was Jewish!
Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines..................
 
FLUSH WITH EXCITEMENT: "Toilet Float Had Sinister Look; Des Moines Bomb Squad Called" -Des Moines (Iowa) Register headline
 
Free Pizza Delivery and Video Rental?: "Feds Unveil Plan to Help 9 Million Stay in Homes" -Associated Press
 
We Blame Global Warming: "Pinconning Area High School Will Become Tropical Rain Forest on Monday" -Bay City (MI) Times
 
'This Trail Really Stinks': "More Than 800 Protest Sewer Hike" -Yuma (AZ) Sun
 
Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "Burping Worms May Contribute to Climate Change" -FoxNews.com
 
News You Can Probably Use: "Drivers Find Roads Are Slippery After Snow" -Baltimore Sun Web site
 
Redundancy at work: "Gas Problem Reported at Local Taco Bell" -Dayton Daily News
Particular Paul's Perilous Puns........................
 
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent?    The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit forming.
 
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
 
Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
 
A friend of mine made some light and exceedingly dry white wine. He invited me to taste it and it not only lacked color and body, but taste. "Well," he said, "what do you think of my white wine?"  And I responded, "Albino wine before its time
Gentleman Jim's Generic Gems...............
 
You know you are in Pennsylvania if:
 
Colleges?  We have them all over.  We have state universities, community colleges and vo-techs.  They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country and they still wave at everybody when they come home for the holidays.
 
We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force & Marines so don't mess with us.   If you do, you will get whipped by the best!
 
Turn down that blasted car stereo!  That Thumpity-thump crap ain't music.  We don't want to hear it any more than we want to see your boxers.
  
Four inches isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry.   Drive like you got some sense in it.  And, don't take all of our bread , milk and toilet paper from the stores.  This ain't Alaska!  Worse case - you may have to live a whole day without croissants.   The pick-em-ups with snow blades will have you out the next day!
Lively Larry's Lean Leavings..................
 
Hypochondriac ... The thought of it makes me sick.
 
Ignorant ... Don't know.
 
Indifferent ... Don't care.
 
Influenza ... You've got to be sick to ask me that question.
 
Insensitive ... Who cares if you don't know the answer.

Sensitive Suzi's Serious Sayings....................
 
Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.
 
What am I?   Flypaper for freaks?!
 
I'm not being rude.   You're just insignificant.
 
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
 
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.

That's it for this week from your embedded "community organizer" looking for some sanity in Absurdia, the principle city of The People's Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  NONE THIS WEEK!

But, on the other hand..............
 
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

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