April 10, 2009

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance...............

 
Our merchant ships are "gun free" zones - and they are being pirated - sounds like "gun free Maryland!"
 
President Obama imposed a thirty-miles-per-gallon standard for cars Friday and twenty-four for SUVs. He wants banks to get back on their feet by making risky loans and he wants car companies to get back on their feet by making cars which Americans refuse to buy. He graduated at the top of his class at the Trotsky School of Business

"Here comes the orator! With his flood of words, and his drop of reason." --Benjamin Franklin

Little Miss Mary's Meritorious Mutterings..................

President Obama met with Queen Elizabeth.  He was the 11th U.S. President the Queen has met with, and the first one where she spent the entire meeting clutching her purse."

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

Light sabers don't kill people. Jedi's kill people.

I think Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their sponsors.


Saucy Sarah's Serene Sayings..................

This is National Pecan Month    [Make me a pie!]

This is National Blue Ribbon Week    [for what?]

April 12 is Look Up At The Sky Day

April 12 is Walk on Your Wild Side Day

April 13 is Blame Somebody Else Day

April 14 is National Pecan Day

April 14 is International Moment of Laughter Day

April 15 is Rubber Eraser Day

April 16 is Self Day

April 16 is National Eggs Benedict Day

April 17 is National Cheeseball Day

April 17 is Blah, Blah, Blah Day

April 18 is International Jugglers Day

April 18 is Eggs, Eggs, Eggs Days


Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines.....................

NOW THAT'S DRUNK! "Drunk Woman Falls Through Apartment Floor: Police" -   Windsor Star (Ont. Canada) headline

They Can't Help the Way They're Aligned: "Iowa: 'The Gay Marriage Mecca'?" --ABCNews.com ++ "Mecca Mosques 'Wrongly Aligned'" --BBC Web site

We Blame Global Warming: "Europe Melts for Michelle" --Politico.com

Also Known as Gravity: "North Korea Launches Rocket, Defying World Pressure" -FoxNews.com

No One Ever Got Younger: "Nation's Teachers Getting Older, Study Finds" -Detroit Free Press

The Patients, That's WHO!: "WHO Wants Money Spent on Making Hospitals Safe" -Reuters

It's Always in the Last Place You Look: "Hidden Planet Discovered in Old Hubble Data" -Space.com

Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "On Top of Everything, Recession Is Annoying" -MSNBC.com

News You Need: "Applying for Jobless Benefits? Here, Pee in a Cup" --CNN.com


Peaceful Paul's Perilous Puns............................

If you can't find anyone to sing with, you have to duet yourself.

One of the more important of the Patron Saints is San Andreas, the patron saint of generosity. In fact, people say he was generous to a fault

I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me "son." I said, "Why do you call me 'son?' You're not my father." He said, "I brought you up, didn't I?"

The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market. The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."


Serious Suzi's Straight Sayings......................

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off..

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.


Lucky Larry's Leavings................................

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?


Gentleman Jim's Lesser Known Published Books............

Winning Through Whining

Living Off Your Parents -- Twelve Weeks to Financial Dependency

I'm OK, You Suck Big-Time

"It's a Dead Thing!" -- Martha Stewart's Guide to Funerals

Dogs are from Neptune and Cats are from Hell


That's it for this week from the second most morally corrupt state in our nation - Absurdistan - where our citizens sit in dark and cold homes waiting for the financial relief promised three years ago by our boy governor - Martin O'Malley (and praying for an early and warm spring)


But, on the other hand...................

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest

And a very happy Easter to all of you!


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