May 1, 2009

Pushing back the frontiers of Socialist Fascism..............

Our best wishes to the Democratic Party!  Arlen Specter, the crap weasel defector, is now YOUR problem.
What a country!  Miss California gets asked tougher questions than our "elite press corps" asked Obama at his "100 day extravaganza" of a press conference.  Our press resembles "Pravda" more each day!
House Bill H.R. 1388 was passed this week by our own Congress.   Did you know it will spend $20M in "immigration assistance."  This will enable hundreds of thousands of Hamas supporters to come to this country, legally.  Ain't change grand!

Merry Mary's Meticulous Murmurings.......................
Honesty is the key to any relationship.    If you can fake that, you're in.
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
Stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts
Why is it drug addicts and computer aficionados are both called users
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.

Serendipitous Sarah's Serious Sayings...............
May is More Than Just A Pretty Face Month
This is Grubstakes Days Week
May 3 is . . Lumpy Rug Day

May 3 is . . Do Dah Day

May 4 is . . Relationship Renewal Day

May 4 is . . Kite Day

May 4 is . . National Candied Orange Peel Day

May 5 is . . National Hoagie Day    [I'll celebrate that!]

May 5 is . . Cartoonists Day

May 5 is . . Slow Down Day

May 5 is . . Totally Chipotle Day

May 6 is . . Joseph Brackett Day

May 6 is . . National Teacher Day    [Thanc ure teechur!]

May 6 is . . No Diet Day

May 7 is . . Paste Up Day

May 7 is . . National Anxiety Disorders Screaming Day

May 7 is . . International Tuba Day

May 7 is . . Paste Up Day

May 7 is . . National Roast Leg of Lamb Day  
May 8 is . . NASCAR Day    [Let's ALL get together on this one!]

May 8 is . . Have A Coke Day  

May 8 is . . No Socks Day

May 8 is . . National Day of Thought

May 9 is . . Lost Sock Memorial Day  

Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines....................
HIS CONTRITION WAS AS PLAIN AS THE NOSE ON HIS FACE: "'Inner cannibal'  got Better of Convicted Edmonton Nose-Biter" - Edmonton (Alta., Canada) Journal headline
IT WAS EITHER THAT OR THE GUN SHOP NEXT DOOR: "Man Unwisely Tries to Rob Tae Kwon Do Studio" - AP headline
They Also Urge Congress to Spend Like a Drunken Sailor: "Pork Groups Urge Farmers to Reduce Flu Risk" -Ottawa Citizen
Why Would Anyone Want More of That?: "CDC Looking Nationwide for More Swine Flu"
At Least There's Some Silver Lining: "Swine Flu Leaves Mexican Soccer Stadiums Empty" -Associated Press
Breaking News From 1960: "Fidel Castro Dampens Hopes for Better U.S.-Cuba Ties" --Reuters
Maybe He Was Only Pretending He Was Only Pretending: "Man Pretending to Fall off Bridge Actually Falls" -Associated Press
Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "Lenin's Body Left With No New Luxury Suit Because of Crisis" -Pravda
News of the Tautological: "Recession Still Dragging Down U.S. Economy" -Reuters
Redundant Stories of the Day:
"Gore Heads Speakers List at Greenhouse Hearings" -Automotive News
"Gore Gives Blessing to Climate Change Bill" -Boston Globe Web site.

Particular Paul's Pretty Puns..........................
Even though Catholics in space are weightless, do they still have mass?
McDonald's is buying the local basketball stadium? They're going to call it the MacArena.
I know of a preacher named Rex
Who says this is what he expects:
"Don't join dangerous cults
And you'll have good results.
I urge you to practice safe sects."
I used to work in a blanket factory but it folded.

Suddenly Suzi's Strenuous Stutterings.................
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.  
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.    
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.  
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.  
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.  
Lucky Larry's Leavings.......................
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on.......
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Gentleman Jim's Favorite Bumper Stickers..................
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
My kid is on the Honor Roll at Starfleet Academy.

That's it for this week from your "community organizer" embedded near Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where our child governor, Martin O'Malley, is encouraging mass migration by increasing our state tax rating from 28th to 45th!  Only six states with an equal or higher tax rate!

But, on the other hand...............
If you don't like something, change it.   If you can't change it, change your attitude.

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