May 1, 2009
Pushing back the frontiers of
Our best wishes to the Democratic
Party! Arlen Specter, the crap weasel defector, is now YOUR problem.
What a country! Miss California gets
asked tougher questions than our "elite press corps" asked Obama at his "100
day extravaganza" of a press conference. Our press resembles "Pravda" more
House Bill H.R. 1388 was passed this
week by our own Congress. Did you know it will spend $20M in "immigration
assistance." This will enable hundreds of thousands of Hamas supporters to
come to this country, legally. Ain't change grand!
Merry Mary's Meticulous Murmurings.......................
Honesty is the key to any relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
Stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts
Why is it drug addicts and computer aficionados are both called users
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
Serendipitous Sarah's Serious Sayings...............
May is More Than Just A Pretty Face Month
This is Grubstakes Days Week
May 3 is . . Lumpy Rug Day
May 3 is . . Do Dah Day
May 4 is . . Relationship Renewal Day
May 4 is . . Kite Day
May 4 is . . National Candied Orange Peel Day
May 5 is . . National Hoagie Day [I'll celebrate that!]
May 5 is . . Cartoonists Day
May 5 is . . Slow Down Day
May 5 is . . Totally Chipotle Day
May 6 is . . Joseph Brackett Day
May 6 is . . National Teacher Day [Thanc ure teechur!]
May 6 is . . No Diet Day
May 7 is . . Paste Up Day
May 7 is . . National Anxiety Disorders Screaming Day
May 7 is . . International Tuba Day
May 7 is . . Paste Up Day
May 7 is . . National Roast Leg of Lamb Day
May 8 is . . NASCAR Day [Let's ALL get together on this one!]
May 8 is . . Have A Coke Day
May 8 is . . No Socks Day
May 8 is . . National Day of Thought
May 9 is . . Lost Sock Memorial Day
Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines....................
HIS CONTRITION WAS AS PLAIN AS THE NOSE ON HIS FACE: "'Inner cannibal' got
Better of Convicted Edmonton Nose-Biter" - Edmonton (Alta., Canada) Journal
IT WAS EITHER THAT OR THE GUN SHOP NEXT DOOR: "Man Unwisely Tries to Rob Tae
Kwon Do Studio" - AP headline
They Also Urge Congress to Spend Like a Drunken Sailor: "Pork Groups Urge
Farmers to Reduce Flu Risk" -Ottawa Citizen
Why Would Anyone Want More of That?: "CDC Looking Nationwide for More Swine
At Least There's Some Silver Lining: "Swine Flu Leaves Mexican Soccer
Stadiums Empty" -Associated Press
Breaking News From 1960: "Fidel Castro Dampens Hopes for Better U.S.-Cuba
Maybe He Was Only Pretending He Was Only Pretending: "Man Pretending to Fall
off Bridge Actually Falls" -Associated Press
Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "Lenin's Body Left With No New Luxury
Suit Because of Crisis" -Pravda
News of the Tautological: "Recession Still Dragging Down U.S. Economy"
Redundant Stories of the Day:
"Gore Heads Speakers List at Greenhouse Hearings" -Automotive News
"Gore Gives Blessing to Climate Change Bill" -Boston Globe Web site.
Particular Paul's Pretty Puns..........................
Even though Catholics in space are weightless, do they still have mass?
McDonald's is buying the local basketball stadium? They're going to call it
I know of a preacher named Rex
Who says this is what he expects:
"Don't join dangerous cults
And you'll have good results.
I urge you to practice safe sects."
I used to work in a blanket factory but it folded.
Suddenly Suzi's Strenuous Stutterings.................
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Lucky Larry's Leavings.......................
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
Stop singing and read on.......
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Gentleman Jim's Favorite Bumper Stickers..................
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A MAN.
All Men Are Animals; Some Just Make Better Pets.
"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME REASON"
My kid is on the Honor Roll at Starfleet Academy.
That's it for this week from your "community organizer" embedded near
Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of
Absurdistan where our child governor, Martin O'Malley, is
encouraging mass migration by increasing our state tax rating from 28th to
45th! Only six states with an equal or higher tax rate!
But, on the other hand...............