August 21, 2009

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Party....

The same bunch that brought you the current bankrupt Post Office (and probably your local DMV now wants to run your healthcare.  What could possibly go wrong?
Obama's health care plan will be written by a committee whose head says he doesn't understand it, passed by a Congress that hasn't read it, and whose members will be exempt from it, signed by a president who smokes, funded by a treasury chief who did not pay his taxes, overseen by a surgeon general who is obese, and financed by a country that is broke.  What could possibly go wrong?
'I called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying.     He said, "Canned Goods and Ammunition".
Marvelous Mary's Meticulous Murmurings.....................
I was working on my retirement plan this weekend, but none of my tickets won.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age
The other day, while sitting in a traffic jam, I thought to myself,  "Why does this only happen to me?
You know you're on a diet when cat food commercials make you hungry.
 I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself
Sappy Sarah's Silly Sayings...........................
August is Foot Health Month  
This is National Waffle Week
August 23 is...National Spongecake Day
August 24 is...Knife Day
August 25 is...Kiss-And-Make-Up Day  
August 26 is...National Cherry Popsicle Day
August 27 is..."The Duchess" Who Wasn't Day
August 28 is...World Sauntering Day    [Don't let me catch you!]
August 28 is...Emancipation Dream Day
August 28 is...Race Your Mouse Around The Icons Day
August 29 is...Banana Split Day invented- Latrobe PA 1904
August 30 is...National Toasted Marshmallow Day 
August 31 is...National Trail Mix Day  
August 31 is...Love Litigating Lawyers Days    [lots of luck with that!]

Happy Hilda's Actual Hilarious Headlines...................
Our Fearless Independent Media:
"Obama Takes On Health Care Critics"
"Obama Takes On Health Care Reform Critics" -Voice of America Web site
"Obama Takes On Health Care Critics" -Associated Press
"Obama Takes On Health Care Critics" -USA Today
"Obama Takes On Critics at Town Hall Forum" -Chicago Tribune
"Obama Takes On Health Care Critics"
"Obama to Take On Health-Care Critics" -Washington Post
Famous Last Words: "End-of-Life Dialogue Stifled in Healthcare Reform Debate" -Miami Herald
Where's the Death Panel When You Need It?: "Momentum Builds for Postal Service Relief"
Look Out Below!: "White House Appears Ready to Drop 'Public Option'" -Associated Press
Everything Seemingly Is Spinning Out of Control: "Jesse Jackson Named Prince of African Tribe" -Daily Telegraph
News You Can Use: "The Earth Is Warming? Adjust the Thermostat" -The New York Times
We Blame Global Warming: "2 Thrown Out of Heated Meeting on Health Care Reform" -WEWS-TV Web site (Cleveland)
Redundant Stories of the Day: "Democrats Plan Rally to Support Obama's Health-Care Plan" -Jackson (MI) Citizen Patriot

Serious Suzi's Succulent Statements................
No word in the English language rhymes with month , orange, silver, or purple.
' Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.  
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet. 
The words 'racecar,'  'kayak'  and 'level'  are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes)..  

Gentleman Jim's Generic Gems.....................
Apologetic .... I'm sorry that you have to ask me that.
Argumentative .... Are you looking for a fight?
Authoritarian .... I'll tell you when you can ask me questions!
Bigotry ....  I'm not going to tell someone like you.
Compulsive .... I want to tell you right now, I have to tell you right now!

Particular Paul's Perilous Puns...............
I once considered becoming a monk when I was young, but I was cloisterphobic.
A friend of mine recently returned from a trip to Bombay and Calcutta where he purchased two diamond necklaces. On his return flight to the United States, he had to go through customs where he was asked to list everything he had purchased on his trip. So he made  the declaration of Indian  pendants.
The Tuba player in the marching band was benched for being overweight and unable to keep up with the band when parading. He took the matter to court which meant that girth control had resulted in tubal litigation

Lucky Larry's Litigious Leavings.................
Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow in trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?
That's it for this week from your "neighborhood organizer."  Well folks, it's official.  Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan is a lost cause.   The Baltimore Police Department's Facebook page is not allowed to comment on the indicted Mayor - Sheila Dixon - in ANY negative way - (From "The Crime Beat" in "The Baltimore Sun.")  We should build a big 20' wall around the city and fill it with water, drain it and start over.

But, on the other hand..............
Youth is the gift of nature, but age is a work of art

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