January 1, 2010
Pushing back the frontiers of
the National Socialist Party.....
Welcome to 2010! Remember the movie
"2010 - The Year We Make Contact?" Perhaps we will make contact with
reality this year!
Meteorologists are calling last weeks a record blizzard, which makes
sense if you think about it. Republicans always said the Senate would
pass healthcare when hell freezes over
For the first time in history, the official White
House Christmas card did not mention Christmas or include an
offering from the New Testament - How is that "hope and change"
working out for you?
Obama's poll numbers are so low now, the Salahis
don't even want to be seen with him
Merry Mary's Meticulous
President Barack Obama accepted the
Nobel Peace Prize from the Norwegians. This comes almost two weeks after
Tiger Woods was also crowned by a Swede
We now see that Tiger Woods drives very
well on the fairway but doesn’t fare very well on the driveway.
Never date a woman whose father calls
her "Princess". Chances are she believes it
Let the schools teach sex education! If
the schools teach sex the way they teach everything else, the kids will lose
If it weren't for the fact that the TV
and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise
Sappy Sarah's Strident Studies...................
This is National Clean Up Your Computer Month
This is New Year's Resolutions Week
January 1 is...Get A Life Day
January 1 is...First Foot Day
January 1 is...Polar Bear Swim Day
January 2 is...Run It Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes It Day
January 3 is...Festival of Sleep Day
January 3 is...National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day
January 4 is...National Trivia Day
January 4 is...Dimpled Chad Day
January 4 is...Tom Thumb's Birthday
January 4 is...National Spaghetti Day
January 4 is...Humiliation Day
January 4 is...Trivia Day
January 5 is...National Whipped Cream Day
January 5 is...Bird Day
January 6 is...Fruitcake Toss Day
January 6 is...Bean Day
January 7 is...I'm Not Going To Take It Anymore Day
January 8 is...National Joy Germ Day
January 8 is...Man Watcher's Day
January 8 is...National English Toffee Day
January 8 is...Show and Tell Day at Work
January 9 is...Play God Day
January 9 is...National Static Electricity Day
Happy Hilda's Hilarious Headlines......................
WHICH HE THEN HELD TO HIS RESULTING BLACK EYE: "Florida Woman Accused of
Hitting Man with Raw Steak" - AP headline
SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS: "Tennessee Boy, 4, Found Near Home With Stolen
Presents, Drinking Beer" - WHBQ-TV Memphis headline
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find - The Los Angeles Times
Light meals are lower in fat, calories - Huntington
Alcohol ads promote drinking - The Hartford Courant
Malls try to attract shoppers - The Baltimore Sun
Official: Only rain will cure drought -The Herald-News, Westpost,
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men - The Sunday
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty - Newsday
Man shoots neighbor with machete -The Miami Herald
Economist uses theory to explain economy - Collinsville Herald-Journal
Preppy Paul's Perilous Puns..............
I have a friend who works in the kitchen of one of the restaurants in the
Red Lobster seafood chain. He said they'd been experimenting with ways to
improve the taste of the fried fish entrees. They'd found that if they mixed
herbs and spices in with the shortening they use for frying, it made a
wonderful difference. Of course, timing is still critical, and the frying
process must be closely monitored so that the food isn't overcooked or
undercooked. That would explain why when I called him at work the other day,
he said he couldn't talk right then because (deep breath) he'd left his carp
in saffron Crisco.
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to
marry. Finally, he went to a marriage counselor. The counselor asked,
"Please describe your two loves." "Well, one is a great poet." "And the
other?" "The other makes delicious pancakes." "I see. So, you can't decide
whether to marry for batter or for verse."
Juan lives in a small hut, in a small Mexican village and catches a few fish
daily to eat with his tortillas. Retire now in idyllic Mexico with almost no
money. And you too can live as cheaply as Juan.
Simply Susie's Serious Sayings...................
(and New Years Resolutions)
Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Read less. Makes you think.
Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.
Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.
Get in a whole NEW rut!
Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.
Don't eat cloned meat.
Create loose ends.
Get more toys.
Get further in debt.
Don't believe politicians.
Break at least one traffic law.
Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
Wait around for opportunity.
Focus on the faults of others.
Mope about faults.
Never make New Year's resolutions again.
Gentleman Jim's Generic Gems...................
(And Workout Regimen)
Beating around the bush
Jumping to conclusions
Climbing the walls
Swallowing your pride
Passing the buck
Throwing your weight around
Dragging your heels
Pushing your luck
Making mountains out of molehills
Hitting the nail on the head
Wading through paperwork
Bending over backwards
Jumping on the bandwagon
Balancing the books
Running around in circles
Tooting your own horn
Climbing the ladder of success
Pulling out all the stops
Adding fuel to the fire
Opening a can of worms
Putting your foot in your mouth
Starting the ball rolling
Going over the edge
Picking up the pieces
Lucky Larry's Liturgical Leavings..............
The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing
to let them.
Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to see all the
wonderful things we're doing with their money?
It never occurs to some people that there is a big difference between giving
advice and lending a hand.
Elections should be held on Christmas. That way, if we don't like who we
elect, we can exchange them.
If something goes without saying, let it!
That's it for this week from your embedded community activist,
lurking around the edges of Absurdia, the principle city of "The Peoples
Democratic Republic of Absurdistan" where the slutty Mayor is grasping at
straws to keep from going to prison for stealing gift cards from the city's
But, on the other hand..................
The task ahead of us is never as great as the
Power behind us.