March 5, 2010

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party…………..

Republicans should try looking on the bright side more often.  Last year, at least eight Democrats ran for president and all but one lost badly.

On the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, as important to the 20th Century as the victory over Germany and Japan — probably more so, since Nazism was not an ideology with hundreds of millions of followers in the West and throughout the Free World that Communism had, the national media (our Pravda) celebrates the fall of Communism with the celebration of Communism

President Obama says that his economic plan has saved or created one million new jobs. Well, one million and two if you count the jobs he created for governors of Virginia and New Jersey

Obama's poll numbers are so low now, the Salahis don't even want to be seen with him


Merry Mary’s Melodic Murmurings………………….

 

I'm currently between destinations, but that's neither here nor there.

 

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

 

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect

 

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.

 

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

 

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers


Serendipitous Sarah’s Serenic Sayings………………..

 

March is International Mirth Month

 

This is National Procrastination Week        [Actually it was last week, but…]

 

March 7 is . . National Crown Roast Of Pork Day

 

March 8 is . . Be Nasty Day

 

March 8 is . . Uppity Women's Day

 

March 9 is . . Panic Day

 

March 10 is . . Festival Of Life In The Cracks Day 

 

March 10 is . . Mario Day

 

March 11 is . . Dream Day

 

March 11 is . . Johnny Appleseed Day

 

March 11 is . . Worship of Tools Day

 

March 12 is . . Armstrong County Anniversary 1800

 

March 12 is . . Alfred Hitchcock Day

 

March 13 is . . National Open An Umbrella Indoors Day

 

March 13 is . . Jewel Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines………………..

 

AFTER CONFESSION, BUS TOLD TO SAY TEN HAIL MARYS AND GET AN OIL CHANGE:  "Driver Hit by Catholic School Bus: 'All I Thought Was Holy  (Expletive)'" -  Northwest Florida Daily News headline

 

We Blame Global Warming: "11.3 Million Homeowners Underwater on Mortgage" - Marketwatch.com

 

We Blame George W. Bush: "Desserts to Blame for Obama's Higher Cholesterol" - Associated Press

 

That'll Teach Her: "UAH Shooting Suspect Amy Bishop Suspended Without Pay, Will Be Fired" - Huntsvile (AL) Times

 

What About the 13th Amendment?: "Students Are Sold on Double-Decker Bus" - St. Louis Post-Dispatch

 

That's What All the Blinged-Out, Floor-Wrecking Breakdancers Say: "Blinged-Out, Floor-Wrecking Breakdancer: 'I'm Innocent'" - RentedSpaces.com

 

Vultures Help Woman Rid Home of Boy Scouts -  Now That Would Be News: "Boy Scouts Help Woman Rid Home of Vultures" --Associated Press

 

Redundant Stories of the Day: "Gore: World to End, Fox News to Blame" --NewsBusters.org


Headlines Morey Bund Would Like To See……………

 

Adult Film Actress Objects to TSA Full-Body Scanners as "Degrading Invasion of Privacy"

 

Olympic Coverage Ends; American Returns to Blissful Unawareness of Canada

 

New Reality Show Shockingly Proves Pumping Gas Requires Entirely Different Skillset Than Being CEO of Billion-Dollar Oil Company

 

"I'll Kill Again, Dammit!" Vows Killer Whale


Peaceful Paul’s Particular Puns………………..

 

A freak accident at an experimental geothermal power plant claimed the life of noted electro-nutritionist Dr. Otto Mymynd. Mymynd earned the scorn of his colleges in his early years when he called them myopic sycophants. He later gained their flattery with such inventions as the infrared flashlight, the burpless cucumber, methane deficient cabbage and the environmentally safe tofu laser. The accident was witnessed by his voluptuous 23-year-old full-time research aide and part-time paramour, Lily Pond. While working on a method to re-hydrate four week old bakery products using geothermal energy, he apparently became distracted, tripped over his own feet and plunged headlong into the boiling lava. He was instantly vaporized. Said Miss Pond, "Golly, when he finds out what's happened, he's going to be pretty steamed. I think I speak for the entire scientific community when I say he will be mist."

 

I read a book about how to enjoy yourself in religious fringe groups. It was called "The Joy of Sects."


 

Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems…………..

      (Keep these for nest year!)

 

The Florist couldn't find your house, did you move?

 

I sent a candygram. Someone must have eaten it.

 

The Hallmark Store was closed, and I didn't want to send less than the best.

 

I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? AOL must have messed up again!

 

I left a message on your answering machine to meet me for dinner.   Where were you?


Simply Suzi’s Stupendous Stutters……………….

 

Senile ....  When I was your age, we couldn't ask these questions.

 

Subjective .... It's all in how you look at the question.

 

Suspicious .... Why are you asking me all these questions?

 

Temperamental .... What the heck do you want to know that for???

 

Verbose __ I'm glad you asked me that question because I have done extensive research into that very issue and am probably the most qualified person you could find to give you an accurate answer to your inquiry.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………………

      (And updated songs for the older person)

 

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

 

Abba--- Denture Queen.

 

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

 

Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

 

Leslie Gore ---- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.


That’s it for this week from your embedded community organizer, up to his hub caps in melt water on the Lisbon Beltway, on his way to Absurdia, the principle city of the Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.   Our boy Governor, Martin O’Malley, has not publicly blamed his predecessor for anything this week!  (I think he is down with the swine flu!)


But, on the other hand………………..

When I die I hope people will remember me as a kind person who would always make time to help those less fortunate than myself.  I figure my best chance for that happening is if they confuse me with someone other guy who looked a lot like me.


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