March 12, 2010

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Peoples’ Party…….

 

The Libs have their class clown – Joe Biden.  The Stupid Party has somebody much more dangerous.  Lindsey Graham.  A SC cracker with a girl’s first name.  The man who stated the Pres. Clinton, lying in a deposition before a Federal Judge was not committing perjury has joined Schmucky Schumer (Dem. NJ) in starting a drive for a national identity card.  Can you not see the problems (and cost) inherent in this idea?

 

President Obama had his annual physical last week. While the colonoscopy didn’t reveal any polyps, they did find three MSNBC reporters and a New York Times columnist.

 

The Senate has rejected a plan to give a $250 check to all elderly and disabled Americans. The only seniors Congress is interested in helping are the gray haired CEOs on Wall Street

 

After surviving the earthquake in Haiti, the Desarmes family moved to Chile, only to be caught up in a second earthquake. Unfortunately, their experience with disaster continued as they subsequently moved to the United States and became Democrats.


Merry Mary’s Meticulous St. Pat’s Merriment……………….

 

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?    Sure now, but them regular rocks be way to heavy, don't you know.

  

A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in a pub, when an irate Irishman stands up: "You're makin' out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you on the nose." "I'm sorry sir, I..." "Not you," says the Irishman, "I'm talking to that little fella on your knee."

 

What did St. Patrick say to the snakes?  He told them to "hiss off"

 

Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?   He couldn’t afford plane fare. 

 

What do you call a fake stone in Ireland?   A sham rock

 

What's an Irishman who keeps bouncing off walls called?   Rick O'Shea.

 

What is out on the lawn all summer and is Irish?   Patty O’Furniture

 

Seamus and Mick were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, 'Tree Fellers Wanted.'  Seamus said, "Ye know Mick, it's a shame Paddy isn't here... We could ha' gotten the job."


Sumptuous Sarah’s Strident Stutterings……………

 

March is National Lawnmower Tune-Up Month

 

This is National Toad Hollow Week

 

March 14 is . . National Potato Chip Day

 

March 15 is . . Brutus Day

 

March 15 is . . Buzzard's Day

 

March 15 is . . Everything You Think I s Wrong Day

 

March 15 is . . True Confessions Day

 

March 15 is . . Buzzard's Day in Hinckley, Ohio

 

March 16 is . . Lips Appreciation Day

 

March 16 is . . Everything You Do Is Right Day  

 

March 17 is . . Act Happy Day

 

March 17 is . . Submarine Day

 

March 18 is . . Awkward Moments Day

 

March 19 is . . Poultry Day

 

March 20 is . . Festival Of Extraterrestrial Abductions Day

 

March 20 is . . Absolutely Incredible Kid Day

 

March 20 is . . National Common Courtesy Day

 

March 20 is . . Proposal Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines………….

 

NEAT TRICK: "Man Shot in Chest, Leg Knocks on Door for Help" -  Dayton (Ohio) Daily News headline

 

Now All We Have Left Is Change: "Closure of Hope Plant to Cost 50-60 Jobs" - Associated Press

 

We Blame Global Warming: "Obama Turns Up Heat for Health Care Overhaul Plan" - Associated Press

 

Wide Ends, Poor Hardest Hit: "Obesity Hits New York's Poor Neighborhoods Hardest" - Reuters

 

Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "Subprime Mortgage Crisis Hits Whorehouses" - Human Events

 

Redundant Stories of the Day: "Gore Still Hot on His Doomsday Rhetoric" - Boston Globe


Headlines Nick O’Time would like to see………………………

 

Alert Orchestra Leader Thwarts Attempted 14-Minute Acceptance Speech by Short-Film Oscar Winner

 

Report: Pentagon Shooter Hated Government, Geometry

 

New Poll Finds That 64 Percent of Texans Believe Earth Is Shaped Like Banana

 

GOP Attacks Obama Health Care Plan as "Not Politically Beneficial to Us"; Dems Respond That GOP "Refuses to Bend to Our Political Will"

 

Penultimate Fighting Champion Sees Room for Improvement

 

Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems………………….

 

Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

 

Kill all exclamation points!!!!

 

Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

 

Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas.

 

Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.


Practical Paul’s Punctuos Puns……………………..

 

Why do homemakers preserve extra fruit and vegetables? Because they can.

 

In the midst of overacting the part of Hamlet, the diabetic actor suddenly fell to the floor, unconscious.  Rushing to the stage, a doctor quickly shoved Junior Mints into his mouth, and in less than a minute the actor had recovered. "That was amazing, doc!" said a stagehand.  How did you know what to do?" "Elementary," the physician replied.  "Haven't you ever heard of sugar-cured ham?"

 

A bird breeder, who dealt with only species that are normally wild, not parrots, canaries, or parakeets, had a difficult life, getting up early to feed all his charges, never taking a vacation, working hard, and yet he enjoyed his life. When the local newspaper interviewed him for a feature story, they asked him if he was sorry about the life he'd chosen for himself. His reply? "I have no egrets.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leanings………….

 

If a church wants a better pastor, It only needs to pray for the one it has.

 

I don't know why some people change churches; What difference does it make which one you stay home from?

 

A lot of church members singing 'Standing on the Promises' Are just sitting on the premises.


Simply Suzanne’s Semi-Serious Sayings…………………

 

The baker and the actor both get paid by the roll.

 

The butcher and karate teacher both get paid by the chop.

 

The cop and the shirtmaker both get paid by the collar.

 

The lawyer and pastry chef both get paid by the tort

 

The writer and occupation army both get paid by the script.


That’s it for this week from your embedded community organizer, starting to see the “great melting of 2010” around the Woodbine Beltway, just a stone’s throw from Absurdia, the principle city of The People’s Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where our boy governor, Martin O’Malley (an embarrassment to anyone of Irish descent) claims that he would like to run against an Adult this time!


But, on the other hand……………

 

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book


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