March 19, 2010

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party……………….

 

President Obama has announced this week that he has donated all of his Nobel Prize money to a charity that deals with those that have no hope: the Democratic Party.

 

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree -  and think 25 to life would be appropriate. 

 

America needs Obama-Care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

 

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?  A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

 

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?  A: A fund raiser.  

 

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?  A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.  The other is for housing prisoners. 


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Murmurings…………………

 

I find that I get a lot of my best ideas when I'm watching PBS. Like the other day, I was watching when they had this Peter, Paul & Mary concert and I got a *great* idea: I've got to find a way to steal cable so I won't have to watch this crap.

 

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

 

Beauty is only a light switch away.

 

At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.

 

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.


Silly Sarah’s Serious Sayings…………………

 

This is National Peanut Month 

 

This is National Spring Fever Week

 

March 21 is . . Fragrance Day

 

March 21 is . . Memory Day        [Don’t forget it!]

 

March 22 is . . You are As Young As You Feel Day

 

March 22 is . . National Goof-off Day  

 

March 22 is . . International Day of the Seal

 

March 23 is . . Near Miss Day

 

March 23 is . . National Chip and Dip Day

 

March 24 is . . National Chocolate Covered Raisins Day  

 

March 25 is . . Pecan Day

 

March 25 is . . Waffle Day

 

March 26 is . . Make Up Your Own Holiday Day

 

March 26 is . . Spinach Festival Day

 

March 27 is . . National "Joe" Day 


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………

 

BE ON THE LOOKOUT: "Car with No Wheel Tips off Carroll Township Police to   DUI" -  Carlisle (Penn.) Sentinel headline

 

Stop Talking or He'll Never Shut Up:

"Barack Obama: The Time for Talk Is Over on Health Reform" - InTheNews.co.uk

"Obama to Ohio Monday for Another Health Care Speech" - Chicago Sun-Times Web site

 

We Blame Global Warming: "Obama's Health Bill Push Heats Up" - Associated Press

 

Where's Eric Massa When You Need Him?: "Dodd Faces 'Ticklish Position' Going Alone on Financial Rules" - Bloomberg

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Men: Will You Sit and Pee for the Planet's Sake?" - Houston Chronicle Web site

 

Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "Earth Under Attack From Death Star" - Sun (London)

 

Redundant Stories of the Day: "Palestinians Threaten to Halt Peace Talks" --Associated Press


Headlines Eiffel Down would like to see……………..

 

Toyota Accepting Bids for Really, Really Big Seppuku Sword

 

Robotic Dog Attacks Postage Meter

 

Sudafed to Sponsor Annual Crystal Meth Cook-Off


Pontius Paul’s Perilous Puns………………

 

The man of the house was mixing a martini, and a kitten was studying every action intently. She watched him take the ice from the freezer. She followed the ice to the glass. She helped him measure out the liquor and stared at the ritual of the spearing of the olives. Suddenly, a lemon twist slipped from his hands and flew across the kitchen. The kitten couldn't believe her luck. She got there first. She bit into the yellow twist before the man could stop her, certain of a wonderful treat these humans enjoy. The kitten's face screwed up as she spit out the bitter rind. "Aha, " said the mixologist," so you have learned, a rind is a terrible thing to taste

 

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations. Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity. In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems…………………….

 

As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

 

If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

 

Puns are for children, not groan readers.

 

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.


Simply Suzy’s Strident Stunners………………………..

 

The canvas maker and the store clerk both get paid by the sail.

 

The electrician, the golfer and the race car driver get paid by the circuit.

 

The plumber and the investigative reporter both get paid by the leak

 

The politician and the hog farmer both benefit from the pork

 

The librarian and the embezzler both work off the books.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings…………………………….

 

Peace starts with a smile.

 

Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.

 

Stop, Drop, and Roll won't work in Hell.

 

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.  It's about learning to dance in the rain. 

 

We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or Judges.


That’s it for this week from your embedded community organizer, still circling the Woodbine Beltway looking for a shortcut to Absurdia, the principle city of “The People’s Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.”   They know how to grow up 'em in Maryland, as evidenced by their 2009 Miss Outdoors winner. This is not some vapid beauty contest for bubble-headed teenagers. No, Maryland's Miss Outdoors has to display some real talents, like muskrat skinning!


But, on the other hand…………………

 

Religion in a family is at once its brightest ornament and its best security


 

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