March 26, 2010

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist People’s Party…..

 

Did you know that in a letter to Philadelphia physician and professor Nathaniel Chapman dated Dec. 11, 1809, nine months after he left the presidency, President Jefferson wrote: “The change which has taken place in our climate is one of those facts which all men of years are sensible of and yet none can prove by regular evidence.”  Hmm… Global Warming in 1809 and not a car in sight as yet…….

 

Did you know Obama has banned ALL private school children from the White House Easter Egg Hunt? (Except his two daughters!)

 

To give you an idea how bad the shape the dollar is in, you know who wanted "In God We Trust" taken off? God. He said, "I don't want to be associated with Obama's economy"

 

California is considering a smoking ban at all state parks. Apparently it is being done as a courtesy to all the former homeowners who are now living there

 

Republicans are now working on declaring March 21 as St. Obama Day. They want to honor the president for driving all the Democrats out of Washington.


Merry Mary’s Meticulous Merriments……………….

 

Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society: violence punctuated by committee meetings

 

What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?"

 

Just remember. if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall  off.

 

Dew knot trussed you're spell chequer too fined awl mistakes.

 

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.


Serious Sarah’s Salacious Selections………………………

 

This is still National On-Hold Month

 

This is Laugh at Work Week

 

March 28 is . . Something On A Stick Day 

 

March 29 is . . Festival Of Smoke and Mirrors Day

 

March 30 is . . I Am In Control Day

 

March 30 is . . Doctors Day

 

March 31 is . . Bunsen Burner Day

 

March 31 is . . National Clams On The Half Shell Day 

 

April 1 is  . . One Cent Day

 

April 2 is . . National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day

 

April 3 is . . Tweed Day

 

April 3 is . . Armenian Appreciation Day

 

April 3 is . . Don't Go To Work Unless It's Fun Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………

 

YEAH, THAT'LL WORK: "Wichita Man Pays Crack Dealer with Monopoly Money" -  KSDK News (St. Louis, Mo.) headline

 

BE ON THE LOOKOUT: "Car with No Wheel Tips off Carroll Township Police to   DUI" -  Carlisle (Penn.) Sentinel headline

 

Bible church's focus is the Bible - Saint Augustine Record, Florida

 

Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear  - Journal of Commerce

 

Lack of brains hinders research --- The Columbus Dispatch


Headlines Otto Mymind would like to see………………..

 

Toyota Accepting Bids for Really, Really Big Seppuku Sword

 

Robotic Dog Attacks Postage Meter

 

Sudafed to Sponsor Annual Crystal Meth Cook-Off


Particular Paul’s Particular Puns…………………..

 

I saw a movie last night about a guy who loses his pocket protector, his acne cream, and his Internet girlfriend all at the same time. It was a kind of a Geek tragedy.

 

Did you hear about the high-ranking military father who cloned himself? The result was a Major Faux Pa

 

A sign on the lawn of a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass

 

A schizophrenic and a most pious priest both have altar egos

 

A pink slip will give you the blues


Simply Susie’s Strenuous Stipulations………………….

 

The baker and the actor both get paid by the roll.

 

The butcher and karate teacher both get paid by the chop.

 

The cop and the shirtmaker both get paid by the collar.

 

The lawyer and pastry chef both get paid by the tort.

 

The writer and occupation army both get paid by the script.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………….

 

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

 

Who needs rhetorical questions?

 

Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.

 

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.


 

Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings…………….

 

Some minds are like concrete.  Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.

 

God loves everyone.  But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'

 

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

 

He who angers you, controls you!

 

If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!


That’s it for this week from your embedded community organizer, circling the Woodbine Beltway looking for a highway pointing away from Absurdia, the principle city of The People’s Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  Steala Dixon, Absurdia’s Convicted Ex-Mayor has taken a job with the Maryland Minority Contractors Association, the very firm to which she gave so many “sweetheart” deals.  And my Dad said “Crime doesn’t pay.” 


But, On The Other Hand……………………….

 

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis


 

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