April 23, 2010
Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party…………….
That Rino, John McCain wants to send 3000 troops to the border to stop illegal immigration. Yes, now that he faces a real conservative for re-election!
Michelle Obama made a surprise visit to Haiti. Because if they need anything down there, it's surprises.
At last, Alan Greenspan told Congress Wednesday the sub-prime crash was the fault of HUD and Congress who pressured banks to make house loans to people with no credit. The loans were packaged and sold to investors and now taxpayers are on the hook for the money. Didn’t see that on your local TV news did you?
The Senate is considering a new 15 cent per gallon gas tax. The tax ought to rake in huge revenues as millions of Americans use their cars to move to Canada
A study says California’s public pension fund is underfunded by $500 billion. How about letting all the retired D.M.V. employees get in line and wait until the state can come up with the money?
Merry Mary’s Moment of Merriment………………………
Saying something over and over again doesn't make it true -- unless, of course, you're saying, "I'm obnoxious and repetitive."
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
I have just finished writing a book on weight loss. It should have a w i d e audience.
Be sure your words are short and sweet.
You never know which you will have to eat
My wife is angry because I bought flowers at Home Depot. Sorry, I never promised you a Lowe's garden.
Saintly Sarah’s Semi-Serious Sayings…………………
April is Straw Hat Month
This is Egg Salad Week
April 25 is National Idaho Potato Day [Just for Jill S]
April 25 is National Zucchini Bread Day
April 26 is Richter Scale Day
April 26 is National Pretzel Day
April 26 is Hug An Australian Day
April 26 is National Sense of Smell Day
April 27 is Industry Day
April 27 is No Excuse Day
April 27 is Tell A Story Day
April 28 is Great Poetry Reading Day
April 28 is Kiss Your Mate Day
April 29 is National Shrimp Scampi Day
April 30 is National Honesty Day everywhere but Washington DC
Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………….
YEAH -- HOME! "Cops: Man Went to Wrong House for 'Group Sex'" - Connecticut Post headline
They're Now Taxable Under ObamaCare: "The Downside of 'Friends With Benefits'" - CNN.com
We Blame George W. Bush: "Animal Bushmeat Presents Latest Food Scare" - The Wall Street Journal
We Blame Global Warming: "World Warming to U.S. Under Obama, BBC Poll Suggests" - BBC Web site
We Thought Helen Thomas Was Still Alive: "Tomb of Ancient Scribe Unearthed in Egypt" - Associated Press
News You Can Use: "Uncontrollable Laughing Isn't Always Something to Chuckle About" - Daily News
Redundant Story of the Day: "Media Cheers Obama, Ignores Tea Party Movement" - U.S. News & World Report Web site
Headlines Barry M. Deep would like to see…………………..
Obama Promises Ponies to 900 Laid Off NASA Workers He Promised Not to Lay Off
Man Finds Money, Selfishly and Inexplicably Deprives News Media of Heartwarming Story
US Elderly Hail Jay Leno's "Tonight Show" Return; Turn Attention to How Goddamn Cold It Is All the Time
Goldman Sachs Calls From Drunk Tank, Needs More Bailout Money
Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
Punctual Paul’s Particular Puns……………..
Scientists at MIT have reportedly announced that they have discovered a new species of weevil that feeds solely on the cotton fibers in men's shorts. The researchers have no idea where the species originated, and are appealing to the gen- eral public, as well as the rest of the scientific community for any information that would help identify the insect. They are anxious to identify what weevil lurks in the shorts of men.
There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which 'lived' there was feared by all. However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots. The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed. So what's the moral of the story? The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.
Lactose: Person without digits on his feet
Simply Suzie’s Strenuous Strivings…………….
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds .
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems………………..
Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by.... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + ShihTzu = Oh, never mind....
#2 in the World’s Greatest Hoaxes
(Not counting the current administration!)
Sidd Finch 1985: Sports Illustrated published a story about a new rookie pitcher who planned to play for the Mets. His name was Sidd Finch, and he could reportedly throw a baseball at 168 mph with pinpoint accuracy. This was 65 mph faster than the previous record. Surprisingly, Sidd Finch had never even played the game before. Instead, he had mastered the "art of the pitch" in a Tibetan monastery under the guidance of the "great poet-saint Lama Milaraspa." Mets fans celebrated their teams' amazing luck at having found such a gifted player, and Sports Illustrated was flooded with requests for more information. In reality this legendary player only existed in the imagination of the author of the article, George Plimpton.
Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings…………….
Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
The best is yet to come.
No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift
Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves
That’s it for this week from you embedded community organizer, still circling the Woodbine Beltway looking for the exit to Absurdia, the principle city of the Peoples Democratik Republik of Absurdistan. When Michael Steele’s (Rep.) first act as leader of the Rino party called out Rush Limbaugh, I didn’t say anything. When he charged groups for making speeches and pocked the money, I didn’t say anything. When he chartered private jets for travel, I didn’t say anything. When he backed Rino’s instead of real conservatives, I said something. That makes ne a racist!
But, on the other hand………………………………
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give
The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn
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