April 30, 2010

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist People’s Party …….…

 

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." --theoretical physicist Albert Einstein (1879-1955)  Or the same Congress that created them!

 

Confessions: "I never had a real job." --Treasury Secretary Timothy "Tax Cheat" Geithner, who speaks for most of the administration

 

Funniest sign EVER!  Tea partier carrying a sign that says" I'm not a racist, I only play one on TV!"

 

There is talk of calling out the National Guard to stem the murder rate in the very community the Manchurian President organized in his famous “community organizer” days.

 

The Presidential appointed head of GM has been bragging in TV ads that he paid back the loans Congress gave him ahead of time.   Yep!  He paid it back with our TARP money!  Damned liar!


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Murmurings’………………………………..

 

Instant gratification takes too long

 

In my defense, it's only one little letter.   Nevertheless, the judge wasn't buying my argument that slaughter is the best medicine.

 

My reality check bounced

 

My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball. I told her she's way off base

 

The client was out of money and had to sign over his yacht to his attorney for payment. Too bad the attorney had no boating experience--he only knew how to docket

 

You're never too old to learn something stupid.


Songbird Sarah’s Strict Statements…………………………

 

May is More Than Just A Pretty Face Month

 

This is National Post Card Week

 

May 1 is . . Mother Goose Day

 

May 1 is . . Save The Rhino Day  

 

May 1 is . . National Bubba Day

 

May 2 is . . Sibling Appreciation Day   [Yeah, that’s going to happen]

 

May 3 is . . Lumpy Rug Day

 

May 4 is . . Kite Day

 

May 4 is . . National Candied Orange Peel Day

 

May 5 is . . Slow Down Day

 

May 5 is . . National Hoagie Day [At least in Ford City PA]

 

May 5 is . . Cinqo de Mayo Day

 

May 5 is . . Slow Down Day

 

May 5 is . . Totally Chipotle Day

 

May 6 is . . No Diet Day

 

May 6 is . . No Homework Day

 

May 6 is . . Beverage Day

 

May 7 is . . International Tuba Day

 

May 7 is . . Paste Up Day

 

May 7 is . . National Roast Leg of Lamb Day  

 

May 8 is . . NASCAR Day   [My favorite]

 

May 8 is . . Have A Coke Day  

 

May 8 is . . No Socks Day

 

May 8 is . . National Day of Thought


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………….

 

ANOTHER STORY YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE DETAILS ON: "Police Follow Fluid Trail to Arrest Man on Drunk Driving Charges" -  Canton (Ohio)   Repository headline

 

But Don't Tell Anyone or You'll Spoil the Surprise: "Surprise Photo-Enforcement Citations to Start Monday" - Arizona Republic

 

'Noah's Turkey' Found in Ark. -- Now That Would Be News: "'Noah's Ark' Found in Turkey" - Sun (London)

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "CNN Poll: Will Obama Name a Liberal to the Supreme Court?" - CNN.com

 

Fridge to Nowhere: "Appliance Program Burns Through Rebate Money" - Boston Globe

 

Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "The Next Obamacare Target: Your Bacon Sandwich" - The Washington Examiner

 

Breaking News From Job 1:6-2:10: "Satan Was Given One Too Many Chances" - Boston Globe

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "'Avatar' Director James Cameron: Climate Change as Great as Any Threat Since World War II" - CNSNews.com


Headlines Wanna Hickey would like to see………………..

 

New Adobe Reader Updater to Remind User Every Three Seconds Rather Than Every Five

 

Birthers: Maybe Obama Isn't Even From EARTH -- Didja Think About THAT?!?

 

Seafood Safe From Burning Oil Slick, Lie Experts

 

Bret Michaels' Doctors Careful to Use Air Quotes When Discussing His "Brain" Hemorrhage

 

Business: HP to Buy Palm; Has Sights Set on Atari, Jordache Jeans


Particular Paul’s Punctual Puns………………………………….

 

Dinosaurs are very popular these days.  We have Dino from the Flintstones. The Jurassic Park dinosaurs wanted us for lunch.  So, surely you know the name of the famous dinosaur which keeps saying the same thing in many different ways?  Roget, The Saurus. 

 

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night I dreamt I was a Trans Am.   Another night I dreamt I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamt I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"   "Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience

 

The Pharoah's daughter was like a rare stock broker on Black Friday when she took a little prophet from the rushes on the banks.

 

Golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them, just in case they get a hole in one.


Saucy Suzanne’s Solid Selections………………………

      (And real book titles)

 

Mated With A Clown; 1884

 

Our Lady of the Potatoes; 1995

 

The Joy of the Upright Man; 1619

 

My Invisible Friend Explains the Bible; 1971

 

Follow Your Broken Nose; 1950


Gentleman Jim’s Genetic Gems…………….

      & the worlds shortest books

 

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLER(S) by O. J. Simpson

 

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY by Ted Kennedy

 

MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods, introduction by Rev. Jesse Jackson

 

AND JUST RELEASED:

 

COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY! by Nancy Pelosi


Another of the World’s Greatest April 1st Hoaxes………………………

 

#3: Instant Color TV

1962: In 1962 there was only one TV channel in Sweden, and it broadcast in black and white. The station's technical expert, Kjell Stensson, appeared on the news to announce that, thanks to a new technology, viewers could convert their existing sets to display color reception. All they had to do was pull a nylon stocking over their tv screen. Stensson proceeded to demonstrate the process. Thousands of people were taken in. Regular color broadcasts only commenced in Sweden on April 1, 1970.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings…………………..

 

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.  -Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

 

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

 

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.  -Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

 

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -Ronald Reagan (1986)

 

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -Will Rogers


That’s it for this week from your embedded community activist, still circling the Woodbine Meltway just a stone’s throw from the City of Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where the former boy Mayor and current boy Governor who has never been at fault for anything (probably including the procreation of his children) Martin O'Malley signed a bill to allow CONVICTS in prison to be counted for the census (and to VOTE!).  That's over 12,000 more new DEMOCRATS to add to Obama’s overflowing list of supporters!


But, on the other hand……………..

 

There are two ways to spread happiness; either be the light who shines it or be the mirror who reflects it


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