May 7/2010

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party…..

 

I JUST HEARD THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA IS GOING TO IMPOSE A 40% TAX ON ASPIRIN BECAUSE IT'S WHITE AND IT WORKS!!!

 

When Obama addressed a group of the faithful in Quincy, IL riot police were called out to protect him from the grandmothers present in the Tea Party Rally outside.

 

The economic report released by Health and Human Services, which indicated that President Barack Obama's health care "reform" law would actually increase the cost of health care and impose higher costs on consumers, had been submitted to the office of HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius more than a week before the Congressional voted on the bill, according to career HHS sources.  Are you scared yet?

 

BTW Remember when Obama was touted as a great college law professor?  Turns out the record shows that he was merely a senior lecturer!

 

President Obama gave a speech about his plans to reform Wall Street. In an embarrassing moment, the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security and had to empty his pockets and five Republican senators fell out.

 

Arizona senators passed a bill Monday that would require law enforcement officers to question anyone they believe might be in the country illegally. And today president Obama cancelled his trip to Arizona


Merry Mary’s Merciful Merriment

 

I stayed in a cheap motel last night and called the front desk requesting turn down service, and she said no.

 

We are a perfect match. She's a Geometry teacher and I know all the angles

 

I called the governor's office in Arizona today, and the recorded message said press one for English, press two for English, press three for English.

 

Gov. Charlie Crist of Florida is leaving the Republican Party. Apparently he can't support the state's tough new immigration law empowering the police to stop and question anyone not wearing a white belt and white shoes.

 

I wanted to exercise last night but it just didn't work out.


Silly Sarah’s Strenuous Stipulations…………………………..

 

May is More Than Just A Pretty Face Month

 

This is National Bug An Elder Week

 

May 9 is . . Lost Sock Memorial Day 

 

May 10 is . . Astronomy Day

 

May 10 is . . Trust Your Intuition Day

 

May 10 is . . Clean Up Your Room Day

 

May 11 is . . Eat What You Want Day

 

May 11 is . . Twilight Zone Day

 

May 12 is . . Limerick Day

 

May 13 is . . Leprechaun Day

 

May 14 is . . National Dance Like A Chicken Day  

 

May 15 is . . National Chocolate Chip Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………….

 

Isn't that the point?   "Illegal immigrants plan to leave over Ariz. law" - Associated Press

 

AFTER YEARS OF WANDERING THE DESERT: "Iranian Missile May Be Able to Hit U.S. by 2015" -  Reuters headline

 

We Blame Global Warming: "Golf Weather: OK ... Probably" - Charlotte Observer

 

Questions Nobody Is Asking: "Has Al Gore Given Up on Global Warming?" - PajamasMedia.com

 

When Will They Do Something for Children in Our 40s?: "Obama Administration Issues IRS Ruling to Speed Up Coverage for Children in Their 20s" - Associated Press

 

News You Can Use: "First Lady: Math, Science Important to Nation" - Associated Press

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Obama Uses Teleprompters at Commencement Address" - RealClearPolitics.com


Headlines Stan Still would like to see…………………

 

Goldman Sachs Now Pitching BP Stock to Clients

 

Arrests of Tanning Booth Customers Up 300 Percent in Arizona

 

Goldman Sachs Swears It Stole the Money Fair and Square

 

Study: Grammar Nerds Completely Unaware That Nobody Gives a Shit

 

Review: Oh, Like THAT Was the First Bomb on Broadway, Dearie

 

Continental and United Combine to Uncontinent Airlines


Punctual Paul’s Particular Puns……………………

 

After the funeral services had ended, the musical soloist lingered around expecting to get paid. The executor, realizing this, casually walked over to the wealthy man's gravesite where the many flowers and decorative plants had been displayed. He calmly lifted one of these fancy decorations and handed it over to her as payment for her contribution to the affair. She was astonished to realize that this bit of greenery was, in fact, a garland that had been crafted entirely of $100 bills. Yes, indeed. It was a wreath of Franklins.

 

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

 

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.

 

NBA teams try to find innovative ways to get around the salary cap. The Spurs did this by paying Menu Ginobili's wife $50,000. per game for scrubbing the basketball court floor after every home game. When the Ginobilis divorced, the job was terminated. Mrs. Ginobili, claiming chronic injury, filed suit against the Spurs and her former husband. She sued for Alamo Knee


Saucy Suzy’s Serious Stipulations…………………

 

A snail can sleep for three years.  

 

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 

 

Babies are born without kneecaps.  They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

 

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems………………………

      (and best selling parenting books)

 

"Making Your Kids Pay for Those Stretch Marks"

 

"Duct Tape and Crates: Not Just for Dogs!"

 

"What to Neglect When You're Neglecting"

 

"Where the Wild Things Are Spanked Within an Inch of Their Little Lives

 

"A Parints' Gide to Homshcooling"


World’s Greatest April Fools Hoaxes

 

#4: The Taco Liberty Bell  1996: The Taco Bell Corporation announced it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours later, that it was all a practical joke. The best line of the day came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale. Thinking on his feet, he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. It would now be known, he said, as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.


That’s it for this week from your embedded community activist, still circling the Woodbine Beltway (Rt. 666) just over the hill from Absurdia, the principle city of the Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where the Indy Racing League announce plans to hold a Absurdia Grand Prix.  The city council immediately announced that all local speed limits would be strictly observed and special gift cards would be printed bearing the IRL and the Absurdia logos.


But, on the other hand………………

 

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving


 

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