May 21,2010

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party……………..

 

Nancy Pelosi told Catholic leaders they need to support the Democratic version of immigration reform, and to preach it from the pulpit. She would have said more but she had to leave to attend a rally for the separation of church and state.

 

The crisis in Greece is being blamed on overspending, but the government claims that the spending is necessary to stimulate the economy, according to Greek President Barack Obamaopolous.

 

President Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke

 

The state that gave us Arlen Specter has a new advertisement to collect back taxes – “Find us before we find you.”  Sleazy!

 

The United Nations has appointed Iran to sit on the Women’s Rights panel. Also on the panel: Ben Roethlisberger, Chris Brown, Phil Spector, Robert Blake, and chairman, O. J. Simpson.


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriment……………..

 

I'm not lustful - I'm a romantic!

I'm not selfish - I'm frugal

I'm not gluttonous - It's just lunch!

 

The new Coors Light case of beer has a window in it.  When it turns blue, your beer is cold. That’s way more convenient than the old way: touching the cans

 

It's inexcusable for scientists to torture animals; let them make their experiments on journalists and politicians

 

The difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer: The cleaner pays you if he loses your suit. If a lawyer loses your suit, he will still take you to the cleaners.

 

I bet the guy who came up with this beautifully-shaped pasta made himself a pretty penne


Serenity Sarah’s Serene Soporifics……………………

 

This is National Salsa Month

 

This is National Pickle Week

 

May 23 is . . Morning Radio Wise Guy Day

 

May 23 is . . World Turtle Day

 

May 23 is . . Penny Day

 

May 24 is . . National Escargot Day    Look at that S car go!

 

May 25 is . . National Tap Dance Day

 

May 27 is . . Body Painting Arts Festival     One of my favorites!

 

May 27 is . . Great American Grump Out Day              A real necessity!

 

May 28 is . . National Senior Health & Fitness Day      Bah, Humbug

 

May 28 is . . National Hamburger Day

 

May 28 is . . Slugs Return to Capistrano Day

 

May 29 is . . Hug Your Cat Day

 

May 29 is . . End Of The Middle Ages Day  

 

May 30 is . . My Bucket's Got A Hole In It Day  

 

May 30 is . . Loomis Day

 

May 31 is . . National Macaroon Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines………………..

 

CURSED IS THE ONE WHO TRUSTS IN MAN: "Helpline Priest Falls Asleep During Suicide Call for Help" -  London Telegraph headline

 

We Blame Global Warming: "Fears Intensify That Euro Crisis Could Snowball" - The New York Times

 

Someone Call the Fashion Police: "With Obama, Regulations Are Back in Fashion" - The New York Times

 

That's Why They Call It 'the Bench': "Kagan May Have to Sit Out Key Cases for Obama Agenda" - Washington Examiner

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "What Does the Wu-Tang Clan Have in Common With Kagan, Sotomayor, Ginsburg & Scalia?" - Daily News (New York)

 

Great Moments in Socialized Medicine: "Europe's Medicine Is Injected and Now the Pain Begins" - Globe and Mail (Toronto)

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Democrats Poised to Move Measures With High Price Tags" --The Hill


Headlines P. Brain would like to see…………………..

 

Beltway Insiders Appalled at Voters. Again.

 

England's Immediate Future Uncertain as Queen Reported "Chilly" and "A Bit Uncomfortable"

 

England's Election Results Fail to Unseat Royal Family

 

Opinion: Hey, Government! A Heaping Pile of Cash With No Restrictions Would Calm My Own Personal Economic Turmoil, Too.

 

Tri-County Area Admits Being Bi-Curious

 

Poopy-Headed Bigots, Panty-Waisted Pinkos Agree on Need to Elevate the Quality of Public Discourse


100 Greatest (or gratest) April fools Day Hoaxes…………….

 

#5: San Serriffe   1977: The British newspaper The Guardian published a special seven-page supplement devoted to San Serriffe, a small republic said to consist of several semi-colon-shaped islands located in the Indian Ocean. A series of articles affectionately described the geography and culture of this obscure nation. Its two main islands were named Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse. Its capital was Bodoni, and its leader was General Pica. The Guardian's phones rang all day as readers sought more information about the idyllic holiday spot. Only a few noticed that everything about the island was named after printer's terminology. The success of this hoax is widely credited with launching the enthusiasm for April Foolery that gripped the British tabloids in subsequent decades.


Simply Suzanne’s Stoic Studies………………

 

A: Head and shoulders.

Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?

 

A: Hickory Dickory Dock.

Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?

 

A: "Rose Bowl."

Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?

 

A: "Follow the yellow brick road."

Q: What are good directions to a urologist's office?

 

A: At both ends.

Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems…………………….

 

In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.

 

In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them not like today.  But I’m not complaining……………

 

In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.

 

In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes.

 

In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings………………..

 

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 

 

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.  

 

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

 

Nobody cares if you can't dance well.  Just get up and dance.

 

Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

 

The second mouse gets the cheese.


That’s it for this week from your “embedded community organizer” living near Absurdia, the principle city of the Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where we saw the useful idiots of the left stand up and clap when Corrupt Calderon, the premier of the most corrupt and out of control government in the western hemisphere attacted the people of Arizona for the immigration bill they passed which is modelled after the US immigration law AND NOT AS STRINGENT AS MEXICO’S IMMIGRATION LAWS. And the Manchurian President joined in! .   Yeah, and Islam is a peaceful religion too!


But, on the other hand…………….

 

Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.


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