May 28, 2010

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialists Workers Party…..

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Our Manchurian President made a conscious decision to take his second vacation in 30 days rather than honor this young man, his second vacation since HIS oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

 

I trust that you who were actually born in the United States will take the time to honor our veterans!


Merry Mary’s Mirthful Merriments………………

 

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

 

A compound found in dark chocolate may protect the brain against stroke, and I'm willing to take that risk - for science

 

Our dogs went on strike for more bones, back pay and idle time. Their slogan for the campaign was "Let lying dogs sleep."

 

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

 

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments


Serenity Sarah’s Serene Soporifics……………………

 

June is National Accordion Awareness Month

 

June 1 is . . . . . Dare Day

 

June 2 is . . . . . National Bubba Day 

 

June 2 is . . . . . National Rocky Road Day

 

June 3 is . . . . . Repeat Day

 

June 3 is . . . . . Repeat Day

 

June 4 is . . . . . Hug Your Cat Day

 

June 4 is . . . . . Maid's Day

 

June 5 is . . . . . Festival Of Popular Delusions Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines………….

 

CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? "Bisexual Men Sue Gay Group, Claim Bias" -   Seattle Times headline; "Worker at Sex Shop Claims He Lost Promotion over Not Being Gay" -- Sacramento Bee headline

 

Does Anyone Really Win This Sort of Fight?: "City Winning Bird Feces Fight" - Mountain View Voice (Palo Alto, CA)

 

Questions Nobody Is Asking: "Moonshine or the Kids?" - The New York Times

 

Answers to Questions Nobody Is Asking: "What the Tea Party Can Learn From Jimmy Carter" - The Washington Post

 

Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "Public Trust of Federal Government Has Increased" - WFED-AM website (Washington)

 

Redundant Stories of the Day: "Obama Campaigns Against Bush -- Again" --Politico.com


Headlines Barry M. Deep would like to see………….

 

Americans Excitedly Gear Up to Ignore World Cup

 

Goldman Sachs Exec Whistles, Looks Skyward While Gesturing Toward Massive Goldman Sachs Political Contributions

 

Detroit to Consider Banning Handguns in School Vending Machines

 

BP Hoping to Disperse Oil Spill With Additional Bird Carcasses

 

Atheists File Class-Action Lawsuit to Remove "God" From Being Thankful It's Friday


Punctual Paul’s Particular Puns…………….

 

The two friends, Greg and Tyler, met up at the bar after work, hoisted a couple together, and decided to repair to Greg's new house and continue their drinking there. "I haven't laid in a supply of liquor yet," Greg apologized. "We'll have to stop off at the liquor store on the way." "I'll follow you," Tyler said. He had not yet been to Greg's new house and didn't know the way. They drove in their respective cars to the liquor store in Greg's new neighborhood, where Greg purchased a bottle, then returned to their vehicles. Tyler continued tailing Greg closely, to be sure he wouldn't lose him as he didn't know where he was going. Alas, Greg was none too sure himself... he had just moved in two days earlier... and he missed a turn, did a fancy u-ie, then later made a sudden right turn when he realized he'd almost missed the turn-off to his street. Tyler, however, skillful driver that he was, managed to keep up with him. So did the officer in the police cruiser following behind and keeping an eye on their antics. Turning on his lights, he pulled Tyler over. Commenting on Greg and Tyler's maneuvering, and Tyler's following Greg almost bumper to bumper, the officer said, "What're you, playing some kind of game?" "Yes, sir," Tyler answered, "follow the litre."

 

I was watching some "Little Rascals" reruns from the 1930's and I was trying to figure out who was the leader of the gang. I think it was that kid with the cowlick in his hair. After all, he was the Alfalfa male.

 

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! CAN'T!"   "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife!" I cried.   "It's perfectly normal," he reassured me, "She's just having contractions."


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems…………….

 

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,  but I got canned.   Couldn't concentrate.

 

Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

 

After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

 

Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

 

Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.


Saucy Suzie’s Strenuous Sayings……………….

 

Diet Coke with lemon – didn’t that used to be called Pledge?

 

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

 

The woman just ahead of you at the supermarket checkout has all the delectable groceries you didn’t even know they carried.

 

Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late.

 

Vegetarian: an old Indian word for bad hunter


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings…………….

 

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

 

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

 

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

 

We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull.  Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.  

 

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.


That’s it for this week from your embedded community organizer, just a corrupt politician or two from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where, compared to Guv O’Malley, Bernie Madoff was a piker!

 

BTW Joe Biden addressing a meeting of the EU said "Some people say America leads the free world. But you know what has two thumbs and disagrees? This guy." 


But, on the other hand……………….

 

Yesterday is a dream, tomorrow but a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore to this day."  ~Sanskrit proverb


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