June 4, 2010

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party……………..

 

The White House said Monday that President Obama has been interviewing Supreme Court candidates. There's a litmus test. The president says he's looking for somebody who shares his view of the Constitution, making Stevie Wonder the early favorite

 

President Obama said he hopes the volcano on Iceland will stop smoking soon, and the volcano said the same thing about him.

 

Michele Obama says the First Couple's daughters have a filter to make sure they can't read any quotes from Joe Biden while they are on the Al Gore's amazing internet.

 

Vice President Joe Biden gave only 1.44 percent of his income to charity last year. He plans to give a lot more this year when he donates the entire contents of his "swear jar

 

In our century alone, visionaries of the left, rejecting the social order they inherited, murdered a hundred million human beings in pursuit of their impossible dreams. In the name of “social justice” and to “make a better world,”


Merry Mary’s Miraculous Merriment……………….

 

Men are like Mascara They usually run at the first sign of emotion

 

I may not have many redeeming qualities, but at least I'm a perfectionist.

 

Men are like blenders You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

 

A masochist is one who has an uncontrollable urge to read the morning news headlines

 

Even if the government raises the price of a pack of cigarettes to 20 dollars, smokers will still find a way to cough it up.


Sappy Sarah’s Serendipitous Sayings……………………

 

June is Turkey Lovers Month

 

June 6 is . . . . . National Applesauce Cake Day

 

June 6 is . . . . . National Doughnut Day    [Not in Irvington]

 

June 6 is . . . . . National Gardening Exercise Day   [Get out there & exercise your garden]

 

June 6 is . . . . . National Yo-Yo Day

 

June 7 is . . . . . National Chocolate Ice Cream Day

 

June 8 is . . . . . Name Your Poison Day

 

June 9 is . . . . . Donald Duck Day

 

June 10 is . . . . National Yo-Yo Day

 

June 10 is . . . . Iced Tea Day

 

June 11 is . . . . King Kamehameha Day

 

June 11 is . . . . National Hug Holiday

 

June 12 is . . . . Machine Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines………………….

 

STOP THE PRESSES! "Dog Injures Nose" -  Salisbury (Wiltshire, England) Journal headline

 

Idea No. 1: Don't Throw Away $787 Billion on a 'Stimulus Bill': "Biden: $787 Billion Stimulus Bill Created 'New Ideas on How to Spend Government Money Wisely'" - CNSNews.com

 

Seeing as How She Squandered the Old One: "Pelosi Calls on Cornell Grads to 'Build a New Prosperity'" - Ithaca (NY) Journal

 

We Blame Global Warming: "Our Summer Will Be Cooler . Unless It's Not" --Star Tribune (Minneapolis)

 

A Question Nobody Is Asking: "Will Obama Stand Up for U.S. and Our Allies?" - RealClearPolitics.com

 

Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "Obama Channels His Inner John McCain" - FoxNews.com

 

News You Can Use: "How to Shoot Someone From a Mile Away" - New York Post

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Pelosi Blames Bush Administration for BP Oil Spill" - Washington Examiner


Headlines Stan Still would like to see…………….

 

Actor Gary Coleman Dead at 4'2"

 

Lakers Surprise Suns With Intentional Rebound, Effort

 

Hallmark Still Searching for Balance Between Memorial Day Solemnity, Profit

 

BP Execs Relieved as Acme Oil Well Stopper Package Arrives


Punctual Paul’s Particular Puns…………………………

 

When Yves Montand married Carmen Miranda, the wedding ceremony combined many of the traditions of both of their heritages. Carmen's hair was worn up and held in place by beautiful, ornamental combs. After the vows, Carmen pulled out the combs, let her hair down, and combed it out as an act of submission, thereby concluding the ceremony and becoming his wife. Or, as the related tradition says, "She'll be Carmen Miranda Montand when she combs."

 

Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.

 

More than five million American women are overweight. These, of course, are round figures.

 

A New York executive had been commuting for years. As the price of gas kept creeping up and the push for "planet green" was on, he found a carpool to participate in. Everything was fine in the carpool except when they were in the Lincoln Tunnel he would become terrified. This went on and on and got progressively worse.   He felt he had to do something so he saw a Psychologist who after listening to the story told him what he had was very common..."What you have is carpool tunnel syndrome..."


Happy Harry’s Horrendous Hoaxes……………………

 

Nixon for President!   1992: National Public Radio's Talk of the Nation program announced that Richard Nixon, in a surprise move, was running for President again. His new campaign slogan was, "I didn't do anything wrong, and I won't do it again." Accompanying this announcement were audio clips of Nixon delivering his candidacy speech. Listeners responded viscerally to the announcement, flooding the show with calls expressing shock and outrage. Only during the second half of the show did the host John Hockenberry reveal that the announcement was a practical joke. Nixon's voice was impersonated by comedian Rich Little.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems…………………..

 

I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... Couldn't cut the mustard.

 

My best job was a Musician, but eventually found  I wasn't noteworthy.

 

I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

 

Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.  Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

 

I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.


Simply Suzie’s Sumptuous Selections………………….

 

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then crap on your car.

 

A penny saved is a government oversight.

 

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

 

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings…………………..

 

CHEER UP!!! There's a yuppie somewhere who just pulled a hamstring in one of those sissy aerobics classes.

 

CHEER UP!!! Remember that nasty old nun who used to hit your knuckles with a ruler?  She's 75 years old now, and she has arthritis.

 

CHEER UP!!! If your woman isn't faithful, you're not alone. Don't forget that even Popeye was two-timed by Olive Oyl (in almost every episode, in fact!)

 

CHEER UP!!! The worse things get, the less you have to lose!

 

CHEER UP!!! You'll be happy to know that your local newspaper is made of 50% recycled material. That's 1% recycled paper; 49% recycled news articles.)


That’s it for this week from your embedded community organizer still circling the Lisbon Beltway (Rt. 666) and just a shout from Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where the Democratic City Council is somewhere between 120 and 200 MILLION dollars upside down and desperate!   Also, our esteemed Congressman – Elijah Cummings (D) just took a taxpayer funded trip to New Orleans to inspect the oil spill (and probably came back with a large collection of beaded necklaces.)


But, on the other hand……………….

 

This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind... let it be something good."


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