June 11, 2010

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………..

 

WIN SOME, LOSE SOME: President Barack Obama signed the Daniel Pearl Freedom of the Press Act. Inspired by the murder of journalist Daniel Pearl, who was killed shortly after 9/11 while investigating terrorists in Pakistan, the law promotes freedom of the press around the world.  "This legislation, in a very modest way, I think puts us clearly on the side of journalistic freedom," the president said. You may not have heard about the signing ceremony, attended by Pearl's widow and son: the White House restricted media access to the event. (New York Times)

 

Bad news for Al Gore. Tipper's divorce attorney called Google to find out how much half of the Internet is worth

 

Sir Paul McCartney played at the White House last night. He dedicated the Beatles song "Michelle" to the First Lady. Isn't that lovely? And then for Joe Biden, he played "Fool on the Hill."

 

A top adviser to President Obama, John O. Brennan - deputy national security adviser for homeland security and counterterrorism, is the contact person within the White House for communications with the Free Gaza Movement over plans to challenge Israel's blockade of the terrorist Hamas-controlled Gaza Strip, according to a reputable source close to the Netanyahu government.

 

The fact is, Mexico has two big exports: Oil, and their second biggest export is poverty to the United States -- from which, in remittances sent back to Mexico, they get $21 billion a year


Merry Mary’s Moments of Merriment…………………

 

A new study found that the average child is more likely to own a cell phone than a book. I guess that would explain why he's average

 

We are born naked, wet, and hungry.  Then things get worse!

 

Some people can tell time by looking at the sun, but I've never been able to see the numbers.

 

I've had it up to *here* with saluting

 

Men are like the Weather.   Nothing can be done to change them.


Serious Sarah’s Serendipitous Sayings…………………….

 

June is National Papaya Month

 

June 13 is . . . . National Juggling Day

 

June 13 is . . . . Kitchen Klutzes Of America Day

 

June 13 is . . . . Blame Someone Else Day

 

June 13 is . . . . Sewing Machine Day

 

June 14 is . . . . Pop Goes The Weasel Day

 

June 15 is . . . . Smile Power Day

 

June 16 is . . . . National Hollerin' Contest Day

 

June 17 is . . . . Watergate Day

 

June 17 is . . . . Eat Your Vegetables Day

 

June 17 is . . . . World Juggler's Day

 

June 18 is . . . . International Panic Day

 

June 18 is . . . . Go Fishing Day

 

June 18 is . . . . National Splurge Day

 

June 19 is . . . . World Sauntering Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

The Wrong Tool For The Job: "Russian Policeman Kills Himself Scratching Nose with His Gun" -  Pravda headline

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Did You Plug the Hole With a Blue Dress Yet, Daddy?" - Human Events

 

Oh No, Another Beer Summit: "Obama, Brewer to Discuss Immigration" -  Press TV (Iran)

 

We Blame Global Warming: "Snow Cover Sets New Winter Record" - Local (Sweden)

 

Breaking News From Stardate 1514.0: "Kirk Didn't Tell the Whole Story" - Chicago Sun-Times

 

Too Much Information: "Butt Test Shows U.S. Cigarettes High in Chemicals" - Reuters

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Carter Condemns Israeli Raid on Gaza-Bound Ships" - Associated Press


Headlines Barry M. Deep would like to see…………………

 

Producers Furious After Counter Terrorist Agents Arrest Bombing Suspect at 11:30, With 30 Minutes Left for Plot Twist

 

BP Fires Keystone Kops Disaster Recovery Service, Signs Up With Beavis-Butthead Crisis Consortium

 

Helen Thomas Retires to Spend More Time Being a Cranky Old Broad


Particular Paul’s Punctual Puns………………

 

An actor of German descent was stranded far up in a wild country when his touring company went broke. This was in the days when performers were generally regarded as criminals to be shunned, not as celebrities to be shined up to, and he found neither supper nor shelter as penniless and pathetically he wandered the lonesome roads. Finally, however, he came upon a lioness playing with her cubs outside their den. Assuming his most pitiable air, he approached the matriarch and inquired in the most ingratiating of tones, "Mother, can you lair a mime?" Alas, his accent betrayed his origins, and with a great roar the lioness sprang at him. The terrified thespian barely scuttled away with his life. "Why did you do that, Mommy?" one of the cubs asked. "He seemed nice." The mother drew herself up to her full moral height. "What I'm going to say I want you never, ever to forget as long as you live," she growled, "A Hun is the lowest form of roomer."

 

In the Bronx, N.Y., lived a rich cat who was a bit of a snob, though she did deign to chat on occasion with her neighbor, an alley cat. One day, she announced that she was about to have an operation, but she didn't mention what it was for. Two weeks later, her humble friend saw her again and inquired politely how she was feeling, then dared to ask what kind of operation she had had. "Oh, I am quite well now, thank you," the rich cat replied, stiffly. "I had a hysterectomy." "For heaven's sake!" the alley cat exclaimed in exasperation, "Why can't you call a spayed a spayed."


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems…………………

      The economy is so bad that:

 

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

 

African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!

 

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

 

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

 

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.


Sappy Suzie’s Salacious Sayings………………

 

CHEER UP!!! Miss Manners has finally been discredited. It's rude to tell other people what to do!

 

CHEER UP!!! Sigmund Freud has been discredited, too. It's lewd to tell other people about their poor.

 

CHEER UP!!! Every three minutes, somewhere in America a suburban housewife backs the family car through the garage door.

 

CHEER UP!!! No matter how bad things get, your folks still have your old bedroom ready, and you're welcome to go back home.

 

CHEER UP!!! The time you spent reading this email could've been spent more productively.  But you're not bothered because you're one of those well-adjusted people who really doesn't give a crap.


World’s Greatest Hoaxes………………….

 

#7: Alabama Changes the Value of Pi

1998: The April 1998 issue of the New Mexicans for Science and Reason newsletter contained an article claiming that the Alabama state legislature had voted to change the value of the mathematical constant pi from 3.14159 to the 'Biblical value' of 3.0. Soon the article made its way onto the internet, and then it rapidly spread around the world, forwarded by email. It only became apparent how far the article had spread when the Alabama legislature began receiving hundreds of calls from people protesting the legislation. The original article, which was intended as a parody of legislative attempts to circumscribe the teaching of evolution, was written by physicist Mark Bo slough.

 

#8: The Left-Handed Whopper

1998: Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version."

 

#9: Hotheaded Naked Ice Borers

1995: Discover Magazine reported that the highly respected wildlife biologist Dr. April Pizza had found a new species in Antarctica: the hotheaded naked ice borer. These fascinating creatures had bony plates on their heads that, fed by numerous blood vessels, could become burning hot, allowing the animals to bore through ice at high speeds. They used this ability to hunt penguins, melting the ice beneath the penguins and causing them to sink downwards into the resulting slush where the hotheads consumed them. After much research, Dr. Pizza theorized that the hotheads might have been responsible for the mysterious disappearance of noted Antarctic explorer Philippe Poisson in 1837. "To the ice borers, he would have looked like a penguin," the article quoted her as saying. Discover received more mail in response to this article than they had received for any other article in their history.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings…………………….

 

In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked- off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end.  But the fare was only a dollar.

 

In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.

 

Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.

 

Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray- haired, liberal 80-year-old guys.  It was a bunch of gray- haired, liberal 60-year-old guys.

 

Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight.


That’s it for this week from your embedded community activist.  News from the Al-Jazira web site:  Yesterday, a seven (7) year old boy was executed for being a spy by those blood-soaked troglodytes of that “peaceful religion,” Islam (Worst lie George Bush ever told!)  47% of workers in Maryland work for the GOVERNMENT! No wonder the recession took so long to hit Maryland.


But, on the other hand………………….

 

We mutter and splutter, we fume and we spurt,

We mumble and grumble, our feelings get hurt,

We can't understand things, our vision gets dim,

When all that we need is a moment with HIM.


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