June 18, 2010
Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………
Defense contractor Blackwater is up for sale. Its assets are impressive. The company currently owns over 50 percent of all Congressmen.
Bad news for Al Gore. Tipper's divorce attorney called Google to find out how much half of the Internet is worth.
Gary Coleman's death should cause us to reflect on a life too short.
In his commencement speech at Kalamazoo Central High School, President Obama told the graduating seniors, "Don't make excuses." He said it's better to just blame someone else.
South Carolina Democrats are crying foul after an unknown, unemployed man facing a criminal charge won the Senate primary. After all, technically he is not yet a felon.
Serious Sarah’s Silly Sayings…………………..
June is Fight The Filthy Fly Month
June 20 is . . . . Ice Cream Soda Day
June 21 is . . . . Cuckoo Warning Day
June 21 is . . . . Summer Solstice
June 21 is . . . . Go Skate Day
June 21 is . . . . National Hollerin' Contest Day
June 22 is . . . . National Chocolate Eclair Day
June 23 is . . . . Take Your Dog to Work Day
June 23 is . . . . Swim a Lap Day
June 24 is . . . . Museum Comes To Life Day
June 25 is . . . . Log Cabin Day
June 25 is . . . . National Catfish Day
June 26 is . . . . Beautician's Day
June 26 is . . . . Forgiveness Day
June 26 is . . . . National Chocolate Pudding Day
Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………………….
LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME: "Police Find 14 Sheep Crammed into Car" - New Zealand Press Association headline
Advice From John Kerry: "Flip-Flop Do's and Don'ts for the Summer" - WTOP-FM Web site (Washington)
Question Nobody Is Asking: "If Helen Thomas can win the Helen Thomas Award for Lifetime Achievement from the Society of Professional Journalists, why can't James Taranto win the James Taranto Award for Lifetime Achievement from the Society of Professional Journalists?" - Don Surber, Daily Mail Web site (Charleston, WV)
Too Much Information: "Helen Thomas: Celebrated for Her Sex, Not for Her Accomplishments" - BigJournalism.com
Redundant Story of the Day: "Hezbollah Lauds Helen Thomas" --YnetNews.com (Israel)
Headlines Wanna Hickey would like to see……………………..
Headless Body Found In Topless Bar
It's a bit early for Iceland volcano headlines. We should wait awhile for the dust to settle.
BP to Start Cleaning Spill With Spare Cash
World Cup Appearance Gets Ivory Coast Its First Newspaper Mention of the 21st Century
Beckhams Again Somewhat Newsworthy as World Cup Begins
Punctual Paul’s Perilous Puns………………………
One of the famed art museums in New York recently opened a month-long exhibit of Origami works from several of the great Japanese masters. To help finance the exhibition, it's been located in a separate area, with an admission fee. Even season passes to the museum proper won't get you in to this exhibit. Taking their cue from Cable TV, it's clearly Paper View.
As Franz Kafka awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed into a raging bull elephant. He charged around his room with his trunk sticking straight up making loud trumpeting noises. The picture of the lady in furs came crashing down, the vase of anemones tipped over. Suddenly afraid that his family might discover him, Franz stuck his enormous head out of the window overlooking the courtyard. But it was too late. His parents and sisters had already been awakened by the racket, and rushed into his room. All of them gasped simultaneously as they stared at the great bulk of Franz's rump. Then Franz pulled his head and turned toward them, looking sheepish. Finally, after an awkward couple of minutes, in which no one spoke, Franz's mother went over and rested her cheek against his trunk and said, "Are you ill, dear?" Franz let loose a bloodcurdling blast, and his mother slipped to the floor. Franz's father was about to help her but noticed the anemones tipped over on the table. He picked them up and threw them out the window, saying, "With Franz like this, who needs anemones?"
What happened to Al and Tipper Gore is very sad. The wedding vows they took more than 40 years ago have become an inconvenient troth.
A man who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the band. Finally the captain said: "Either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. It's up to you: Sync or swim!"
Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……………………..
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
There is great need for a sarcasm font.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Gratuitous List of the Greatest April Fool’s Day Hoaxes…………………
#10: Planetary Alignment Decreases Gravity
1976: The British astronomer Patrick Moore announced on BBC Radio 2 that at 9:47 AM a once-in-a-lifetime astronomical event was going to occur that listeners could experience in their very own homes. The planet Pluto would pass behind Jupiter, temporarily causing a gravitational alignment that would counteract and lessen the Earth's own gravity. Moore told his listeners that if they jumped in the air at the exact moment that this planetary alignment occurred, they would experience a strange floating sensation. When 9:47 AM arrived, BBC2 began to receive hundreds of phone calls from listeners claiming to have felt the sensation. One woman even reported that she and her eleven friends had risen from their chairs and floated around the room.
Simply Suzy’s Semiserious Sayings…………………..
Q ~ How do you feel about hyperbole? A ~ Super fantastic!
Q ~ So you think God is a paradox? A ~ Well, he is and he isn't.
Q ~ What is a distraction? A ~ A distraction is..oh look! A bird.
Q ~ What does paranoid mean? A ~ Why do you ask? Say, who sent you anyway?
Q ~ What does a dominatrix do for a living? A ~ Beats me.
Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings…………………
(And Job Search)
Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
That’s about it for this week from your embedded community activist. Did you know those semi-educated idiots, led by our “Blame Bob” boy governor, O’Malley, has spent $49,472,672.00 to buy 1,062 slot machines of our tax money to be GIVEN to the owners of the new casino in western Absurdistan? And that’s just the first order! And on the national front, the Congressional Budget Office Now says Obamacare will exceed ONE TRILLION DOLLARS in ten years rather than saving money.
But, on the other hand……………….
Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, you are dreadfully like other people.
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