6/25/2010

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party……….

 

In China, many Honda strikers returned to work after the company raised wages 11 percent. This agreement is known as the Honda Accord

 

Women have been doing so well this election year that Senator Arlen Specter is considering a sex change.

 

The government announced today that they're making big changes to the No-Fly list. Apparently, asking terrorists to be on the honor system has not been working

 

In Italy for thirty years under the Borgia's they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed; they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock!

 

Obama meets Toto!  The Netherlands offered 13 (thirteen) large oil recovery ships but Obama said, no thanks, you might need them if you have an oil spill.  So, if the White House is on fire, don’t call the DC fire department, they might be needed elsewhere!


Merry Mary’s Meticulous Merriment……………………….

 

No trees were injured in the creation of this email, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

 

I used to have trouble choking down the pills I have to take for controlling my cholesterol, but it's a lot easier now that I wrap them in bacon.

 

When fighting with clowns Go for the jugglers.

 

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

 

We now see that Tiger Woods drives very well on the fairway but doesn't fare very well on the driveway.


Scrappy Sarah’s Semi-Serious Sayings……………

 

June is Fight The Filthy Fly Month

 

July is National Baked Beans Month

 

This is Take A Kid Fishing Week

 

June 26 is . . . . Beautician's Day

 

June 26 is . . . . Forgiveness Day

 

June 26 is . . . . National Chocolate Pudding Day

 

June 27 is . . . . Cool Sun Glasses Day

 

June 28 is . . . . Paul Bunyan Day

 

June 29 is . . . . Camera Day

 

June 29 is . . . . Waffle Iron Day

 

June 30 is . . . . Meteor Day

 

July 1 is . . . . . Canada Day

 

July 1 is . . . . . International Joke Day

 

July 1 is . . . . . Creative Ice Cream Flavor Day

 

July 1 is . . . . . Build A Scarecrow Day

 

July 2 is . . . . . I Forgot Day

 

July 2 is . . . . . World UFO Day

 

July 3 is . . . . . Chimborazo Day

 

July 3 is . . . . . National Toe Jam Day

 

July 3 is . . . . . Air Conditioning Appreciation Day

 

July 3 is . . . . . Stay Out Of The Sun Day

 

July 3 is . . . . . Compliment Your Mirror Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines……………………..

 

THE FORECASTERS AGREE: "Our Summer Will Be Cooler ... Unless It's Not" - Minneapolis Star Tribune headline

 

Breaking News From 1994: "Bill Clinton Aims to Help Democrats Keep Congress" - Reuters

 

Breaking News From 1998: "Man's Lie Lands Him in Trouble" - Daily News (Durban, South Africa)

 

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life: "Official: Oil Spill Hasn't Reached Great Salt Lake" - Associated Press

 

What Would We Do Without Experts?: "Experts See How-Not-To Book Emerging From Gulf Oil Spill Cleanup" - The Washington Post

 

Redundant Stories of the Day: "Obama Faults GOP for Blocking His Agenda, Hurting Jobless" - Boston Globe


Headlines Anna Prentis Would Like To See…………………………

 

Violence Erupts at Editorial Convention Alliteration/Assonance Summit; Dozens Disconcertingly Dead

 

Despite Failure of Teen Sailor's Around-the-World Attempt, Family Confident They Can Still Make a Buck Off It

 

Terror Alert Level Reduced to "Partly Threatening"

 

General Summoned to the White House to Explain "Lost" Finale

 

Musicologist: Vuvuzela Just a Long-Ass Kazoo

 

World Cup Surprise: Pinko Commie Sport Doesn't Favor America


Particular Paul’s Punctual Puns……………………..

 

A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors register. A group of Nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the visitors registry, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother stops him and admonishes him saying, "Wait till the nun signs Shelly!"

 

You may have heard the sad story of one of Hollywood's most famous movie heroes.  He was a renowned oenologist, and invested a goodly part of his earnings in one of the first wineries in Napa Valley.  However, he also like to "partake of the grape" to excess occasionally.  On one of those occasions he fell off his horse, and thereby became the first wine-stoned cowboy!

 

There was once a herd of llamas that lived next to a herd of cows, separated only by a small fence. The cows would trick the young llamas into coming over near the fence, then when they got close enough, the cows would grab them and pull them over to their side. At that point, they would kick the llama around, using him like a soccer ball. They did this for a few hours every day until they tired of it. The moral of the story? "Llamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cow toys."


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems…………………….

      The economy is so bad that:

 

My ATM gave me an IOU!

 

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

 

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

 

I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.

 

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if

they meant you or them.


Simply Suzie’s Stutterings………………..

 

Q ~ What does condescending mean?  A ~ Sit down and I'll explain it to you in simple terms you can

understand.

 

Q ~ What's a novel?  A ~ Well, you see, it's kind of a long story.

 

Q ~ What is perception?  A ~ What's it to you?

 

Q ~ Is that a cul-de-sac?  A ~ No way.

 

Q ~ Do you ever wonder what eternity means?  A ~ All the time.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings………………..

 

He who hesitates is probably right.

 

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are  XL.'

 

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

 

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

 

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.


That’s it for this week from your embedded community organizer, still circling the Lisbon Beltway (Rt. 666) just a short drive from Absurdia, the principle city of The People’s Democratic Republic of Absurdistan where the voters elected representatives passed a “bottle tax” of .02 per bottle for soft drinks, etc. Another reason to shop in the County! Besides the fact that almost ALL supermarkets have moved out except for a few that were forced to stay.


But, on the other hand…………………..

 

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”


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