July 16, 2010

 

Pushing back the frontiers of ignorance……………………..

 

The Stupid Party’s leader, Michael Steele is bound and determined to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in November.

 

Our elected leaders in DC have mandated “doggy bathrooms” in all airports across the country.  You can’t make this stuff up!

 

President Obama demanded amnesty for illegal’s Thursday, the same day he slapped a tax on tanning salons. What fun. Only a Democrat would subsidize brown people who want to be Americans, then turn around and tax Americans who want to be browner people.

 

Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask who knew that we were the first country to elect a president fluent in Yoda-speak.


Merry Mary’s Mercurial Merriment………………….

 

My generation is right after the "Great Generation." I guess that'd be the "Still Way Better Than Your Punk-Ass Generation" Generation.

 

Men are like government Bonds. They take so long to mature.

 

He said I was average - but he was just being mean.

 

I find any joke about the Gulf oil spill to be in poor taste. A joke should always be refined. In fact, I find most BP jokes downright crude.

 

At a time when many thought that news out of the Gulf of Mexico couldn't get any worse, BP announced today that the oil in the Gulf needs to be changed every three months.

 

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?  A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.


Savory Sarah’s Stupendous Selections…………………………..

 

This is National July Belongs to Blueberries Month

 

This is also National Hermit Week

 

July 18 is . . . . .National Ice Cream Day

 

July 18 is . . . . .National Caviar Day

 

July 18 is . . . . .National Splurge Day

 

July 18 is . . . . .International Panic Day 

 

July 19 is . . . . . Flitch Day

 

July 19 is . . . . . Teddy Kennedy drowned Mary Jo Kopekne day

 

July 19 is . . . . . World Sauntering Day

 

July 19 is . . . . . Cow Appreciation Day

 

July 19 is . . . . . Shark Awareness Day

 

July 19 is . . . . . National Raspberry Cake Day

 

July 20 is . . . . . Ugly Truck Contest Day

 

July 20 is . . . . . National Ice Cream Day

 

July 20 is . . . . . Take Your Dog To Work Day

 

July 20 is . . . . . Toad Hollow Day of Thank You

 

July 21 is . . . . . National Junk Food Day

 

June 21 is . . . . . Cuckoo Warning Day  

 

July 21 is . . . . . Pick Up Some Litter Day

 

July 21 is . . . . . Vegan World Day

 

July 21 is . . . . . National Tug-Of-War Tournament Day

 

July 22 is . . . . . Rat-catcher's Day

 

July 22 is . . . . . Health & Happiness with Hypnosis Day

 

July 23 is . . . . . Hot Enough For Ya Day

 

July 23 is . . . . . Let It Go Day

 

July 23 is . . . . . Monica Lewinski's Birthday       [Let’s buy her a new dress!]

 

July 23 is . . . . . National Vanilla Ice Cream Day

 

July 24 is . . . . . Amelia Earhart Day  [Did she find her luggage?]

 

July 24 is . . . . . Virtual Love Day

 

June 24 is . . . . .Museum Comes To Life Day  


 

Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………………

 

ONLY EXPERTS CAN SPECULATE ON SUCH MOTIVATIONS: "Psychologist Says Rage May Have Sparked Manitoba Teen's Deadly Gun Attack" - Calgary (Alta.,   Canada) Herald headline

 

Breaking News From 1493: "Spain Returns Home With Newfound Confidence of Being a World Force" - Canadian Press

 

Justice Thomas Has the Foggiest Idea Who Olbermann Is -  Now That Would Be News: "Keith Olbermann Calls for Justice Clarence Thomas to Resign" - NewsBusters.org

 

Answer to a Questions Nobody Is Asking: "Socialism Is the Answer" -- ClassicalValues.com

 

The Lonely Lives of Scientists: "Scientists Expected Obama Administration to Be Friendlier" - Los Angeles Times

 

Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "'Zombies' Crash on I-84 Near Lloyd Exit" - KGW-TV website (Portland, OR)

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Radical NAACP Leftists Propose Resolution Condemning Tea Party Racists" - BigGovernment.com


Headlines Needa Cuppa would like to see…………………….

 

Larry King to End "Larry King Live," Devote More Time to Philandering, Turning to Dust

 

LeBron's Head Stuck in Airport Security Scanner

 

Van der Sloot to Star in Reality Show: "The Real Housewives of Miguel Castro Prison"

 

Inconsolable Lindsay Lohan: 90-Day Sentence Is "Two Months of My Life I'll Never Get Back"

 

10th Russian Spy Opened to Reveal Smaller Spy, Opened to Reveal Even Smaller Spy

 

Pro Golfer Shoots Under 60; Still Misses Record of 18 Set by North Korea's Kim Jong Il


Punctual Paul’s Particular Puns………………………

 

A New Hampshire carpenter was called upon to put up a bulletin board in a church vestry. Since the walls were marble, he tried to glue the frame on the wall rather than nailing it, but ran into problems until he tried making the frame out of burr oak. That adhered quite successfully, leading him to admonish his young assistant,  "If it ain't burr oak, don't affix it."

 

Did you know that some insects lose the distal portions of their extremities due to poor blood supply. It is particularly true that you can observe insects who lack toes in taller ants.

 

The Italian phone company didn't worry when invoices to the capital weren't sent out all at once - because Rome wasn't billed in a day

 

A Filipino contortionist was hired by the circus. He was known as The Manila Folder.

 

The golfer after missing the 12 inch putt used course language.


Simply Suzie’s Sumptuous Servings……………………

      And best office answering machine messages

 

I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.  Please be prepared for my mood.

 

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.  If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

 

Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

 

I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation.  Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

 

Thank you for your email.  Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.


Continuing the 100 greatest April 1st Hoaxes……………………………

 

#13: Kremvax   1984: A message distributed to the members of Usenet (the online messaging community that was one of the first forms the internet took) announced that the Soviet Union was joining Usenet. This generated enormous excitement, since most Usenet members had assumed that cold war security concerns would prevent such a link-up. The message purported to come from Konstantin Chernenko (from the address [email protected]) who explained that the Soviet Union wanted to join the network in order to "have a means of having an open discussion forum with the American and European people." The message created a flood of responses. Two weeks later its true author, a European man named Piet Beertema, revealed it was a hoax. This is believed to be the first hoax on the internet. Six years later, when Moscow really did link up to the internet, it adopted the domain name 'kremvax' in honor of the hoax.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems…………………………

 

In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.

 

In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.

 

In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.

 

In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants.  Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.  For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

 

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs....'

 

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

 

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

 

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.


Greetings from EARTHQUAKE CENTRAL!  Just a very few miles up the road from Olney a 3.6 on the Richter Scale woke us at about 5:02 am – yeah, I know, I should have been up anyhow!  No damage was seen in Absurdia, the principle city of The Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan but I’m sure they will be applying for “earthquake relief” just like Haiti – and look how well our feckless President resolved that situation.


But, on the other hand……………………

 

“Yesterday is a dream, tomorrow but a vision. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well, therefore to this day." ~Sanskrit proverb


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