January 7, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party……………..

 

A professor at Utah State University is now studying people who suffer from what he calls a compulsive obsession with morality and religion. They had these people when I was a kid. They were called parents.

 

"The Governator," meanwhile, leaves California $28 billion in the hole, his former presidential ambitions an absurd joke and the state's GOP in tatters.

 

Just-released New York 2009 report: Hate crimes against Jews: 251. Hate crimes against Muslims: 11.

 

Parting gut buster: "Deficit reduction has been a high priority for us. It is our mantra, pay-as-you-go." - outgoing Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Lusional)

 

Christine O’Donnell is being investigated for using campaign funds to pay for personal expenses. I think it’s a witch hunt.


Merry Mary’s Meticulous Merriment……………………..

 

The East Coast blizzard was so bad, the Eagles-Vikings game was canceled. The decision was made after Eagles QB Michael Vick said he wouldn't even send a dog outside in that weather

 

Two people won the Mega Millions lottery. If you missed the drawing, the winning numbers were...not yours

 

So I finally get up the courage to join Weight Watchers, and then those sick bastards keep sending me food!

 

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means you've already met your New Year's resolution

 

Yesterday, I saw a bumper sticker that said "My Kid's Smart Phone Made the Honor Roll at St. Patrick's Elementary."


Serendipitous Sarah’s Insightful Sayings…………………………

 

December is... Bingo's Birthday Month  

 

This is Celebrate Intolerance Week

 

December 9 is . . . National Pastry Day

 

December 10 is . . . Nobel Prize Awards Day       [How phony has this become!]

 

December 10 is . . . Festival For The Souls Of Dead Whales and Live Sardines

 

December 11 is . . . National Noodle Ring Day  

 

December 12 is . . . National Ding-a-Ling Day

 

December 12 is . . . Day Of The Horse

 

December 12 is . . . International Shareware Day        [Steal some for yourself]

 

December 13 is . . . Ice Cream Day

 

December 13 is . . . Cocoa Day

 

December 13 is . . . Violins Day

 

December 14 is . . . National Bouillabaisse Day  

 

December 15 is . . . Day of the very good looking beautiful people        [Just for ME!]

 

December 15 is . . . National Lemon Cupcake Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………..

 

TIRED OF THE SHAG CARPETING: "Missouri Home Damaged by Lawnmower Fire in Bedroom" -  AP headline

 

Poor Jill!: "Biden Says Gay Marriage 'Inevitable'" - Associated Press

 

Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "Joe Biden Poised for Larger Role in Obama White House" - Boston Herald

 

We Blame Christine O'Donnell: "Former CIA Director Calls Homegrown Terror Threat 'a Witch's Brew'" - TheHill.com

 

Good Thing It Was Abandoned or Someone Might've Been Hurt: "8 Killed in Fire in Abandoned New Orleans Building" - Associated Press

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Do Dogs Need Sweaters?" - Slate.com

 

Finally, Some Good News: "President Obama: No Shirtless Pictures" - TheHill.com


Dirty David’s Delirious Dishing’s………………

 

Public Television virus:  Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

 

Elvis virus:  Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

 

Congressional virus #2:  Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

 

Star Trek virus:  Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

 

Health Care virus:  Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.


Participant Paul’s Perpendicular Puns……………….

 

President Obama vowed on Wednesday to fight next year for the passage of the just-rejected bill that gives U. S. citizenship to the children of illegal aliens. They must attend two years of college or serve in the U. S. military. The name of the bill is No Juan Left Behind

 

A king was obsessed with history. He collected artifacts, dressed in royal threads from bygone eras, and lived by ancient traditions. One day the king issued a royal proclamation, but he wrote it in the language of 1000 years ago, rich in antiquated spellings, obsolete words and defunct structures. The general population, of course, couldn't understand it, and a legal battle ensued. The courts ruled that all royal proclamations must be written in modern, currently accepted prose, claiming "We can't have archaic and edict, too."       

 

My father got a belt sander for Christmas one year, but his fingernails were so long that they kept getting in the way. My mother was helping him cut them late that night when  "I saw mother trimming sanders' claws."

 

I was buying stamps today at the post office and was given the choice of flags which I wavered on and another stamp which featured a white heron-type of bird. I made my decision and went with Old Glory but instantly wished I had chosen the other one, which would come in particularly handy when RSVP’ing to invitations that I would be unable to accept, because with a mere glance at the envelope the host could realize that I was sending my egrets.


Simply Suzie’s Scrumptious Sayings…………………

 

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.

 

I know why you look like a horse, because I saw your mother grazing in the field.

 

You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo - first I peeked, then I booed.

 

You're so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies.

 

You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell, when people see you they run for the border.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems………………..

      The joys of growing older

 

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

 

Things you buy now won't wear out.

 

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

 

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

 

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.


William’s Winsome Wisdom………………..

      Worlds thinnest books

 

Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton

 

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates

 

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

 

THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry

 

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC


Hairy Harry’s Hilarious Hoaxes…………….

 

The Skyforest Orange-Bearing Pine Trees   1950: Motorists driving along the scenic Rim of the World highway near Lake Arrowhead in Southern California discovered that the pine and cedar trees lining the road had all grown oranges overnight. The transformation was the work of the residents of the nearby town of Skyforest, led by the cartoonist Frank Adams. They had crept out during the night and strung 50,000 oranges in the trees along a one-mile section of the highway. The fruit was left over from the recent National Orange Show in San Bernardino.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings………………

 

Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

 

Over prepare, then go with the flow.

J

 

 

Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

 

The most important sex organ is the brain.

 

No one is in charge of your happiness but you.


That’s it for this week from Absurdia, the principle city of The People’s Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.  And some of the folks in Absurdia are not the only United States haters.  The principle burghers of Bedford VA (Dem’s all) have approved a statue of Joseph Stalin in their city park. The man who was responsible for the deaths of MILLIONS OF HIS OWN CITIZENS!     And, if you wonder why cities are going broke, the threat of closing down Broadway theaters in NYC has resulted in the stage hands earning up to $422,000 per year.


But, on the other hand………………….

 

The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!  It is never too late to become what you might have been.


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