January 14, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party…………..

 

Due to the recession there are now 15,000 less lawyers.   Nobody ever talks about the good things that happen because of the recession.

 

According to a group that monitors government waste, the Republicans’ reading of the Constitution cost taxpayers $1 million. Only politicians could spend money reading.

 

Keith Olbermann was suspended from MSNBC for giving money to Democratic candidates. If only he had given his money to prostitutes, like Eliot Spitzer, he would have a primetime show on CNN.

 

Borders bookstores are struggling to stay in business. This could be the first time in our country that borders are actually closed.

 

Why does President Clinton still get a pass from America's feminists? Because being a liberal is more important than being a sexual predator.

 

We have a new Speaker of the House, John Boehner. His new slogan: "Four more tears


Marvelous Mary’s Meticulous Merriment…………………

 

I tried to find the new Oprah network, but my universal remote tried to kill itself………….

 

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

 

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

 

A group of sociologists did a poll in Arizona about the new immigration law. Sixty percent said they were in favor, and 40 percent said, 'No hablo English.'"

 

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

 

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.


Sappy Sarah’s Serenity Serenade……………..

 

This is Coffee Gourmet International Month

 

This is Man Watcher's Week

&

Bald Eagle Appreciation Week   [Coincidence?]

 

January 16 is...Hot and Spicy Food International Day

 

January 16 is...Appreciate a Dragon Day

 

January 16 is...National Fig Newton Day

 

January 16 is...National Nothing Day

 

January 17 is...Pig Day

 

January 17 is...Judgment Day

 

January 18 is...Creole Heritage Day

 

January 18 is...Winnie the Pooh Day

 

January 18 is...Eagle Days

 

January 19 is...Penguin Awareness Day

 

January 20 is...Cheese Day

 

January 20 is...National Butter Crunch Day 

 

January 20 is...National Hugging Day

 

January 21 is...Hat Day

 

January 21 is...Rid The World of Fad Diets and Gimmicks Day

 

January 21 is...Squirrel Appreciation Day

 

January 22 is...National Answer Your Cat's Question Day

 

January 22 is...National Blonde Brownie Day  

 

January 22 is...National Compliment Day

 

January 22 is...National Handwriting Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines………………..

 

AND HIS HANDS UP: "Man Answers Mesa Police Knock with Pants Down" -   Arizona Republic headline

 

Especially in Detroit at Night: "Walking Faster May Lead to a Longer Life" - WebMD.com

 

Question Nobody Is Asking: "Why Do People Keep Fainting Around Bill Clinton?" - Salon.com

 

We Blame George W. Bush: "Fairbanks Teens Accused of Theft Blame Boredom, TV" - News Miner (Fairbanks, AK)

 

The Constitution Explains the NY Times -  Now That Would Be News: "The NY Times Explains the Constitution" - PowerLineBlog.com

 

It's Always in the Last Place You Look: "Police Find Drunk Man at Church" - Free Lance-Star (Fredericksburg, VA)

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Obama Threatens to Veto Healthcare Repeal" - TheHill.com


Headlines Chip Munk Would Like To see……..

 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

 

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

 

Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man

 

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

 

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

 

Autos Killing 110 a Day - Let's Resolve to Do Better


World’s Greatest April Fool’s Day Hoaxes……………

 

#24: Drunk Driving on the Internet.   1994: An article by John Dvorak in PC Computing magazine described a bill going through Congress that would make it illegal to use the internet while drunk, or to discuss sexual matters over a public network. The bill was supposedly numbered 040194 (i.e. 04/01/94), and the contact person was listed as Lirpa Sloof (April Fools backwards). The article said that the FBI was going to use the bill to tap the phone line of anyone who "uses or abuses alcohol" while accessing the internet. Passage of the bill was felt to be certain because "Who wants to come out and support drunkenness and computer sex?" The article offered this explanation for the origin of the bill: "The moniker 'Information Highway' itself seems to be responsible for SB 040194... I know how silly this sounds, but Congress apparently thinks being drunk on a highway is bad no matter what kind of highway it is." The article generated so many outraged phone calls to Congress that Senator Edward Kennedy's office had to release an official denial of the rumor that he was a sponsor of the bill.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems……….

      You are so old that:

 

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

 

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

 

You sing along with elevator music.

 

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

 

You can't remember where you read this list.


You Know You Are From Baltimore If……………

 

You could pick crabs before you could walk.

 

From snow to hurricanes to heat waves, you've seen every kind of weather imaginable.

 

695 gets you everywhere.

 

You stress the "Oh" in the U.S. National Anthem.

 

It's "DC", not "Washington"; "Hopkins", not "Johns Hopkins", and "goin' downa' ocean" means you're off to Ocean City, Bethany, or

Rehoboth.


Simply Suzie’s Salacious Sayings……………

 

You're so ugly, you make onions cry.

 

You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.

 

You're so ugly, I took you to see the zookeeper and he said, "Thanks for bringing him back."

 

You're so ugly, you mother had to get drunk before she breast fed you.

 

You're so ugly, you went to a freak show and got a permanent job.


Detestable David’s Disgusting Doggerel……………

 

Airline virus:  You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

 

Freudian virus:  Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

 

Public Television virus:  Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

 

Elvis virus:  Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self-destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America


Particular Paul’s Unctuous Puns…………….

 

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

The hippie couple were somewhat distressed that their son didn't also turn out to be a flower child, "Some daisy disappoints us, but he's still orchid, and we love him.

 

Our three children like to spin in our home office chairs. One of the chairs makes this annoying popping noise whenever they are spinning in it that is not conducive to productive thought processes. We have told the children time and time again NOT to spin in the chair. Either they forget or it is an act of defiance, but they continue to spin in the chair from time to time, leading us to believe that this is an act of swivel disobedience


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings……………

 

Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

 

Always choose life.

 

Forgive everyone everything.

 

What other people think of you is none of your business.

 

Time heals almost everything. Give time time.


That’s it for this week from your embedded community organizer, marveling over the antics of the City Council of Absurdia, the principle city of The People’s Democratic Republic who just decreed, according to the Baltimore Sun, undercover officers must now where uniforms!  Absurdistan’s public schools were just rated the best in the nation which puts them about 27th in reading and 33rd in math among the other nations.  Let’s all thank Jimmy Carter and his “Department of Education” which has proven as effective as his “Department of Energy” which promised to relieve our dependence on foreign oil.


But, on the other hand……………

 

Forgiveness is a strong move to make, like turning your shoulders sideways to walk quickly on a crowded sidewalk. It's your move.


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