January 21, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party………………

 

Members of Congress should be compelled to wear uniforms just like NASCAR drivers, so we can identify their corporate sponsors.

 

At the Senate swearing-in ceremonies, there were 14 Bibles, six Torahs, two Qur'ans, a Book of Mormon, a Boy Scout Handbook and a copy of the 2011 NASCAR schedule.

 

Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House. Fox News said it was a gathering of the world’s most powerful communist — and the president of China.

 

Belly Laugh of the Week: "I think the media and the politicians have behaved pretty well so far." --Time Magazine's Mark Halperin on the Tucson shooting

 

"Mental illness is the only disease that has an influential lobby devoted to not treating it." --National Review editor Rich Lowry

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger says that being governor of California cost him at least $200 million in lost movie roles. Moviegoers everywhere say it was every penny


Marvelous Mary’s Meticulous Merriment………………….

 

Debt-plagued MGM has green lighted a new James Bond film that will be released in 2012. The new film will be entitled "The Man With the Golden Prostate.

 

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.

 

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

 

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.

 

Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate make a balanced diet.

 

More than 13 inches of snow fell on Tennessee. For many, the only way to stay warm was to burn favorite son Al Gore's book on global warming.


Scrappy Sarah’s Serendipitous Sayings…………………

 

This is National Clean Up Your Computer Month

 

This is National No Name Calling Week – You jerk!

 

January 23 is...Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day

 

January 23 is...National Pie Day

 

January 23 is...Rid the World of Fad Diets and Gimmicks Day

 

January 23 is...Measure Your Feet Day  

 

January 24 is...National Peanut Day

 

January 24 is...The Most Depressing Day of the Year

 

January 24 is... Eskimo Pie Patent Day

 

January 25 is...Opposite Day

 

January 25 is...Observe The Weather Day

  

January 25 is...A Room of One's Own Day

 

January 26 is...Fun at Work Day

 

January 26 is...National Popcorn Day

 

January 27 is...National Chocolate Cake Day

 

January 27 is...Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day

 

January 27 is...Lewis Carroll Day

 

January 27 is...Thomas Crapper Day  

 

January 28 is...National Kazoo Day

 

January 28 is...Clash Day

 

January 28 is...Rattle Snake Round-Up Day  

 

January 29 is...National Puzzle Day

 

January 29 is...National Cornchip Day

 

January 29 is...Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day

 

January 29 is...Freethinkers Day

 

January 30 is...Inane Answering Message Day

 

January 30 is...Escape Day

 

January 31 is...National Backwards Day

 

January 31 is...Fun at Work Day

 

January 31 is...National Popcorn Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines………………..

 

GOOD! "Gun in Pants: Man Shoots Self in Rear after Threatening   Girlfriend" -  Billings Gazette headline

 

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter 

 

I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 

      

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers   Now that's taking things a bit far! 

 

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over   What a guy!   


Headlines Doug Graves would like to see…………………

 

Starbucks to Offer New Larger "Kidneybuster" Size

 

David Duke to Publish Edition of "Huckleberry Finn" With Extra N-Words, New Foreword by Michael Richards

 

Jackson Doc: Michael Begged for Dangerous Sedative, so Like Any Good Doctor I Caved to Demands From the Drug-Addled Brain of an Addict

 

MySpace Surprises Tech Insiders by Having Staff to Slash

 

Northern Tier, East Coast Still Reeling From Onslaught of Typical Winter Weather

 

Climatologists Threaten to Withhold the Sun Until Someone Listens to Them


Particular Paul’s Perilous Puns……………………

 

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. How was he killed?" asked one detective. With a golf gun," the other detective replied. A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

 

Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, I find him very annoying. I think I might be lack-toes intolerant.

After a visit to the Proctologist, I wonder what made him choose that specialization. Maybe he started Medical School wanting to be a top doctor, and just ended up at the bottom?

 

Sign in a vegetarian restaurant: "All we are saying is give peas a chance."

 

Once upon a time Old King Cole issued an order to his cooks. "From now on," he decreed, "chopped cabbage must be mixed with mayonnaise." To this day his decree is known as Cole's Law.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems…………………..

 

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

  

It's so bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

  

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

  

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

  

The economy is so bad Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.


Serious Suzie’s Scrappy Stutterings……………..

 

You're so ugly, the police sketch artists are afraid to draw you.

 

You're so ugly, when you get sick they call the vet.

 

You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.

 

You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.


Dirty David’s Delicious Delights……………….

 

Nike virus:  Just does it.

 

Congressional virus #2:  Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

 

Star Trek virus:  Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

 

Health Care virus:  Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.


The Top April Fool’s Day Hoax’s………………

 

#25: 15th Annual New York City April Fool’s Day Parade:   2000: A news release sent to the media stated that the 15th annual New York City April Fool's Day Parade was scheduled to begin at noon on 59th Street and would proceed down to Fifth Avenue. According to the release, floats in the parade would include a "Beat 'em, Bust 'em, Book 'em" float created by the New York, Los Angeles, and Seattle police departments. This float would portray "themes of brutality, corruption and incompetence." A "Where's Mars?" float, reportedly built at a cost of $10 billion, would portray missed Mars missions. Finally, the "Atlanta Braves Baseball Tribute to Racism" float would feature John Rocker who would be "spewing racial epithets at the crowd." CNN and the Fox affiliate WNYW sent television news crews to cover the parade. They arrived at 59th Street at noon only to discover that there was no sign of a parade, at which point the reporters realized they had been hoaxed. The prank was the handiwork of Joey Skaggs, an experienced hoaxer. Skaggs had been issuing press releases advertising the nonexistent parade every April Fool's Day since 1986.


Hazel the “Hon” your from Baltimore if………………..

 

You've had relatives imprisoned at Ft. McHenry.

 

Half your high school graduating class went to College Park.

 

The opening of a Wegman's was the greatest thing to happen to your City in ten years.

 

You put Old Bay on everything.

 

You hate the Yankees, the Steelers, and especially the Colts.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings………………

 

However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

 

Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

 

Believe in miracles.

 

God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

 

Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.


That’s it from your embedded community activist, lurking about in search of some sense of responsibility among our elected leaders, to no little avail.  On the national front, the House of Representatives voted to eliminate Pelosi’s gigantic hoax of a health bill with more votes than she had to pass it originally.  On the local front here in Absurdia, the principle city in The People’s Democratic Republic of Absurdistan, we read that we have the best school system in America.  A study by The Educational Trust says that a full one-quarter fail the Army’s entrance exam – and that’s just the ones that want to join up!


But, on the other hand…………….

 

The smallest deed is better than the grandest intention.


 

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