January 28, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Workers Party…………………

 

"Three Supreme Court justices — Samuel Alito, Antonin Scalia, and Clarence Thomas — did not attend the State of the Union address. Taking their place was Steven Tyler, Jennifer Lopez, and Randy Jackson."

 

I missed the middle section of Obama's State of the Union address when I took a break to read "War and Peace," but I gather he never got around to what I was hoping he'd say, which is: "What was I thinking?"

 

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

 

Washington, DC is the most well-read city in the nation. Nearly every resident at one time or another has been read his rights.

 

It snowed in 49 states, but not in Florida. However, they're still waiting for the results from Broward County.

 

Police are looking for a man in Phoenix who robbed a bank and told the teller he wanted the money in twenties, forties and sixties. Authorities believe he could be one of President Obama's economic advisers


Marvelous Mary’s Mirthful Merriment………………..

 

You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.

 

It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ashtrays for Mother's Day

 

I used to be a heavy gambler, but now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.

 

Fish & Game officials are investigating why hundreds of blackbirds suddenly fell from the sky near Little Rock, Arkansas. Eye-witnesses reported that several hours earlier they had begun packing up their cares and woes while singing low and waving

 

Bears look very cuddly on TV, but in real life, they’re very dangerous and unpredictable — like Katie Couric.


Sumptuous Sarah’s Serene Sayings………………

 

February is... National Blah Buster Month

 

This is National Smart Sitter Week

 

February 1 is. . . Serpent Day  

 

February 1 is. . . Robinson Crusoe Day

 

February 2 is. . . Groundhog Shadow Day

 

February 2 is. . . National Lack of Mental Health Day

 

February 3 is. . . Cordova Ice Worm Day

 

February 4 is. . . Create A Vacuum Day  

 

February 4 is. . . Dump Your Significant Jerk Day

 

February 5 is. . . Disaster Day  

 

February 5 is. . . Weatherman's [Rob Roblin’s] Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………………….

 

I'LL JUST BET: "Breast Implants Catch Eye of Argentine Tax Agents" -   Reuters headline

 

So Much for Civility: "Obama Speech Could Provoke Fight on Deficit" - Reuters

 

We Blame Global Warming: "The End Is a Little Closer for Venus" - FoxSports.com

 

Separate but Equal: "Huffington Post to Add African-American Section" - Associated Press

 

It Was in Repute?: "Camel Racing Thrown Into Disrepute" - Daily Telegraph (London)

 

Everything Is Spinning Out of Control: "Congress: Getting Back to Normal" - FoxNews.com

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "Michelle Obama Going on Oprah Winfrey Show Thurs." - Associated Press


Headlines Doug Hole would like to see……………………

 

House Votes to Repeal Obama Memorial Service Speech

 

Despite Gripping Algebra II Classes, High School Junior Still Finds Time to Think About Sex

 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death   No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! 

 

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant   See if that works any better than a fair trial! 

 

War Dims Hope for Peace    I can see where it might have that effect! 


Participant Paul’s Particular Puns………………………..

 

A Texas woman who couldn't afford new curtains decided to dye her old ones. She got out a vat, mixed some brilliant blue dye, and set to work. While the woman was hanging her curtains on the line, her little white lamb fell into the vat. He was fished out unhurt and went scurrying off to dry in the sun. A passing motorist observed the bright blue lamb, thought he'd discovered a new species, and came up offering twice the market price. The woman decided she had a pretty good thing going. The next day she dyed a second lamb. It, too, sold almost immediately at a fancy price. From this start she developed quite a business buying, dyeing and selling lambs. She became the biggest lamb dyer in the state of Texas.

 

This guy goes into a bar where the band has just finished a set. When they return, the singer says, "We'll now start taking' requests..." and our man wanders up and timidly asks, "Could you play 'Jupicka'?" The singer looks confused, talks with the other band members, and they ask the guy if he could sing a bit of it for them. So he sings, "Jupicka fine time to leave me Lucille."

 

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended but the malady lingers on."


Hippy Hazel’s If Your From Baltimore……………..

 

The murder rate is higher than the graduation rate.

 

You can go 1 inch beyond the city line and know that you're out of

The city.

 

You don't wash your clothes, you "warsh" them.

 

You can pronounce "Havre de Grace." (Not the French way, the Baltimore way.)

 

You've gotten lost and ended up in the projects.


Disgusting David’s Delirious Delights…………………….

        (And current excuses)

 

I have to floss my cat.

 

I've dedicated my life to linguini.

 

I want to spend more time with my blender.

 

The President said he might drop in.

 

The man on television told me to stay tuned.


Harry’s 100 Hoaxes…………………….

 

The Predictions of Isaac Bickerstaff.  In February 1708 a previously unknown London astrologer named Isaac Bickerstaff published an almanac in which he predicted the death by fever of the famous rival astrologer John Partridge.  According to Bickerstaff, Partridge would die on March 29 of that year.  Partridge indignantly denied the prediction, but on March 30 Bickerstaff released a pamphlet announcing that he had been correct: Partridge was dead.  It took a day for the news to settle in, but soon everyone had heard of the astrologer's demise.  Thus, on April 1st Partridge was woken by a sexton outside his window who wanted to know if there were any orders for his funeral sermon.  Then, as Partridge walked down the street, people stared at him as if they were looking at a ghost or stopped to tell him that he looked exactly like someone they knew who was dead.  As hard as he tried, Partridge couldn't convince people that he wasn't dead.  Bickerstaff, it turned out, was a pseudonym for the satirist Jonathan Swift.  His prognosticatory practical joke upon Partridge worked so well that the astrologer finally was forced to stop publishing his almanacs, because he couldn't shake his reputation as the man whose death had been foretold.


Sappy Suzie’s Salacious Stutterings………………….

 

You're so ugly, every time you go out you get chased by the dog catcher.

 

You're so ugly, you can't hail a bus.

 

You're so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step in the lake, the water parts.

 

You're so ugly, you give Freddy Krueger nightmares.

 

You're so ugly, they let you park in handicapped spaces.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems………………

 

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

 

The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

 

The economy is so bad Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

   

The economy is so bad Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

 

The economy is so bad the Mafia is laying off judges.


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings………………….

 

Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

 

Your children get only one childhood.

 

All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

 

Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

 

If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.


That’s it for this week from your embedded community activist.  (Notice how the newzies have stopped using embedded reporters since Obama was elected?)  The People’s Democratic Republic of Absurdistan’s principle city, Absurdia won a %52.7 million grant for their “Race to the Top” submission to improve the quality of education in said city.  More than half will fund a new system for teacher evaluation and compensation.  I’m betting the rest will go to the North Avenue school system managers and the union…….. Any takers?


But, on the other hand…………………..

 

The value of consistent prayer is not that He will hear us, but that we will hear Him.


Return to the Friday's Musings Main Page 

 

Return to the A-1 Associates Main Page