February 4, 2011

 

Pushing back the frontiers of the National Socialist Party………………………….

 

Tampons fall under taxable items with ObamaCare.   Republicans warned you there'd be strings attached

 

Two years into Obama’s first term in office, unemployment is higher, the national debt is higher and there are more soldiers serving in Afghanistan. When asked about it, Obama was like, ‘Well, technically that is change

 

In Japan, they have developed a new green machine that turns regular paper into toilet paper. Kind of like what Obama did with the dollar

 

The Postal Service announced plans to close an additional 2,000 branches after losing $8.5 billion. Maybe in retrospect, making people wait in line while you slowly finish your bag of fiery hot Cheetos isn't such a good idea."

 

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

 

Washington, DC is the most well-read city in the nation. Nearly every resident at one time or another has been read his rights.


Marvelous Mary’s Meticulous Merriment…………..

 

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up...what did he go back to?

 

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

 

I wonder how many people a year get lost in a Ford Explorer or trapped within a Ford Escape.  I have plenty of time to think about things like that since this is the third day I've been buried under this snow bank in my Chevy Avalanche.

 

It was different when we were kids. In second grade, a teacher came in and gave us all a lecture about not smoking, and then they sent us over to arts and crafts to make ashtrays for Mother's Day

 

I used to be a heavy gambler, but now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.


Sappy Sarah’s Strident Submissions…………………………

 

February is... International Twit Award Month

 

Love May Make the World Go 'Round, But Laughter Keeps Us From Getting Dizzy Week

 

February 6 is. . . Lame Duck Day  

 

February 6 is. . . Pay A Compliment Day

 

February 7 is. . . Charles Dickens Day  

 

February 8 is. . . Kite Flying Day 

 

February 8 is. . . Laugh and Get Rich Day

 

February 9 is. . . Man Day

 

February 9 is. . . Toothache Day

 

February 9 is. . . National DAV (Develop Alternative Vices)

 

February 10 is. . . Umbrella Day

 

February 11 is. . . White Tee-Shirt Day

 

February 11 is. . . Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk Day

 

February 11 is. . . Be Electrific Day

 

February 11 is. . . Satisfied Staying Single Day

 

February 12 is. . . Darwin Day

 

February 12 is. . . National Plum Pudding Day

 

February 12 is. . . Lost Penny Day


Happy Hilda’s Hilarious Headlines…………..

 

WHAT ELSE IS NEW? "Police Search for Moron" -  KUSA-TV (Denver) headline

 

The Latest Installment in the 'Left Behind' Series: "Left Unprepared for ObamaCare Ruling" - Washington Post website

 

Do as I Say, Not as I Do: "Obama: Future Egypt Gov't Must Respect the Will of the People" - Ha'aretz (Israel)

 

He Wants to Find Out What Comes After Trillion: "Obama Turns Attention to Supercomputing" - ComputerWorld.com

 

Would You Buy a Used Czar From This Man?: "Obama Tries to Sell Agenda, Presidency" - Roll Call

 

Answer to Question Nobody Is Asking: "Tweeters' Digest: What TV Celebs Tweeted During the State of the Union Speech" - Los Angeles Times website

 

Redundant Story of the Day: "As Deficits, Debt Soar, Obama, Congress Fail to Confront Them" - McClatchy Newspapers


Headlines Eaton Wright and Liv Good would like to see……………..

 

Snooki Careens Toward Obscurity at Alarmingly Slow Pace

 

Egyptian Internet Uptime Still Better Than Comcast

 

Pissed-Off Punxsutawney Phil Gnaws Hole in Doppler-3000 System

 

Study: 78% of Americans Hope Egypt Settles the Hell Down Quickly So News Flashes Don't Interrupt the Super Bowl

 

Viral Cat Videos Unhelpful in Explaining Middle East Situation


Paltry Pete’s Particular Puns…………………

 

Some people don't have the Vegas idea of how to quit gambling.

 

Last year we toasted the New Year at home. My wife had rye and I had whole wheat.

 

A farmer brought a bucket of milk to church so it could be pastorized.

 

When it comes to helping you out I will stop at nothing.

 

A friend was complaining to me that when he used his cell phone outside his service area, he would be assessed a large roaming charge. He knew he would be charged, but he was upset that he had to wait until his bill came weeks later to see how large the charge would be. I told him that he should not be surprised. After all, roam wasn't billed in a day.


BillGoats Black Balled Burps………………..

 

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

 

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

 

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

 

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

 

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.


Gentleman Jim’s Generic Gems………………….

      The economy is so bad that:

 

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

 

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

 

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

 

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

 

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!


Happy Harry’s Hundred Hoaxes…………………

 

#27: Diseases of Brunus Edwardii.  1972: The Veterinary Record, the weekly journal of the British veterinary profession, contained an article about the diseases of Brunus edwardii, which was described as a species "commonly kept in homes in the United Kingdom and other countries in Europe and North America." The article warned: Pet ownership surveys have shown that 63.8 percent of households are inhabited by one or more of these animals, and there is a statistically significant relationship between their population and the number of children in a household. The public health implications of this fact are obvious, and it is imperative that more be known about their diseases, particularly zoonoses or other conditions which might be associated with their close contact with man.  For months afterwards the correspondence section of the Veterinary Record was dominated by letters about Brunus edwardii, most of which offered new observations about the species. The article proved so popular that it was eventually published in a special edition by Whittington Press, although it was reported that the British Library later had difficulty deciding how to classify it, as fact or fiction. Brunus edwardii is more commonly known as the "Teddy Bear".


Simply Suzie’s Scrumptious Sayings……………….

 

You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.

 

You're so ugly, when you went to the zoo they refused to let you out.

 

You're so ugly, you can't get a date off the calendar.

 

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor the doctors went on strike.

 

You're so ugly, your last name is Link and your first is Missing.


Dirty David’s Disgusting Excuses………………..

 

I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.

 

I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.

 

It's my parakeet's bowling night.

 

It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.

 

I'm building a pig from a kit.


Hazel the Hon sez you are from Balmere if……………….

 

You know that The Power Plant is not for the production of Electricity.

 

You're pissed off that we have to share our only airport with DC (I mean, don't they already have 2?)

 

You remember when the Orioles were good.

 

You say "wuder", not "water".

 

On September 11, when you heard terrorists destroyed the World Trade Center, you thought they meant the tower by the Harbor.  (Like Martin O’Malley did!)


Lucky Larry’s Liturgical Leavings………………….

 

Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

 

The best is yet to come...

 

No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

 

Yield.

 

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.


That’s it for this week from your embedded community activist, lurking on the outskirts of the DC cesspool, near Absurdia, the principle city of the Peoples Democratic Republic of Absurdistan.   This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address occurred on the same day. "It is an ironic juxtaposition of events; one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication while the other involves a groundhog."


But, on the other hand…………….

 

We are not human beings on a spiritual journey, we are spiritual beings on a human journey


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